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Original poster

Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

772 replies

angryandscared1 · 06/11/2021 08:01

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore. Sad

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2021 14:12

Well done on confiding in your friend.

I know you probably can't stop him from coming today, but please try very hard not to engage in conversation/debate with him. There's nothing to be gained and so much to lose by allowing him to justify his behaviour or to try to soothe you with his lies.

You ARE a good mum. The reason you are so exhausted is because he is forcing you to put so much of your emotional energies into worry and fear over his outrageous behaviour and 'sexual beliefs'.

Is there any way you could have someone come in to relieve you, even for a bit? It doesn't have to be a nanny, au pair, or 'professional' child minder. Maybe a local teen or senior who could come in for a few pounds to rock the baby or just 'be there' while you get a break or a nap.

HelloTreeWindow · 09/11/2021 14:15

I think @AcrossthePond55 has a great idea. There are local endorsed services where you basically borrow a grandparent, someone who will literally come and hold/rock a sleeping baby for you for an hour or two. They won’t do child care/housework but give you a break/have a chat/sleep and they get companionship that they might be missing in their lives. Same with younger babysitters, you just tell them to wake you if the baby wakes/cries and they sit and do nothing.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/11/2021 15:12

You don't to be there with him - hand the baby over and go out and get some time for yourself

Kozmak · 09/11/2021 15:44

This reply has been deleted

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Marygoround22 · 09/11/2021 15:57

Definitely rape. Bona fide rape. Absolutely nothing else it could be I'm so sorry.

PickupaPenguin8 · 09/11/2021 16:54

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

You don't to be there with him - hand the baby over and go out and get some time for yourself
I shouldn’t think being out alone in Winter feeling exhausted and upset is much of a break.
Yogawankonobi · 09/11/2021 17:03

@angryandscared1

I have told my friend. She is shocked, fuming with him and upset I didn't tell her sooner. She told me I always have a place to go if I need to. He is coming back today and I don't know what to expect. I feel sick but I need a break from the baby, I can't do it all on my own like this all the time, I'm not a good mum because I'm so exhausted. Sad
I’m glad that you confided in your friend.

You are a good mum.

RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 17:13

OP glad to hear you've told your friend and she's supporting you.

billy1966 · 09/11/2021 17:28

Well done for telling your friend.

He has absolutely sexually assaulted you and committed a crime.

You really need support.

Have you contacted your GP?

Please contact your GP and tell them you have been assaulted.

You are a great mum.
All mums feel awful from exhaustion.
You are doing your best.
Be kind to yourself.

You are utterly traumatised by what he has done.
Anyone would be.

He is worried for himself.
He doesn't care for you at all.
He needs reporting.

He is a very bad man.
Flowers

Original poster
angryandscared1 · 10/11/2021 08:34

So the latest is I confided in my sister ... and she promptly called him for "his side". Resulting in him managing to convince her he did nothing wrong and this is all because of my "postnatal depression". My sister also said to me (and I quote) "rape / abuse are not words that should be thrown around lightly".

Right.

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 10/11/2021 08:36

@angryandscared1

So the latest is I confided in my sister ... and she promptly called him for "his side". Resulting in him managing to convince her he did nothing wrong and this is all because of my "postnatal depression". My sister also said to me (and I quote) "rape / abuse are not words that should be thrown around lightly".

Right.

Oh my gosh that is shocking

Please listen to the wise people on here
They are speaking the truth and saying it for what it is

Dirty bastard

category12 · 10/11/2021 08:38

I see why you haven't legged it to your family if that's an example of their typical behaviour.

Your sister is wrong.

Please speak to Rape Crisis.

billy1966 · 10/11/2021 08:38

Wow.

You poor woman.

With a sister like that, who needs enemies.

Unbelievable.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 10/11/2021 08:40

Ouch! Your sister sounds like a gem...

I would also speak to Rape Crisis too. You can get proper impartial advice on how to deal with this.

bootdilemma21 · 10/11/2021 08:44

@angryandscared1

So the latest is I confided in my sister ... and she promptly called him for "his side". Resulting in him managing to convince her he did nothing wrong and this is all because of my "postnatal depression". My sister also said to me (and I quote) "rape / abuse are not words that should be thrown around lightly".

Right.

Oh god, I've been following this and relating so much to everything you said. And this is exactly what happened when I confided in my family. My sister and her partner who are both police officers. Years ago now but they still think of him fondly. I have had to rely on friends for support and accept that they just don't really believe my side of it. But I DID leave him and it was the best decision I ever made. Not going to say it was easy but it was the right decision. Thanks
category12 · 10/11/2021 08:44

And honestly, I am so so sorry that someone else who ought to be someone you can trust and who should be supportive has let you down so badly.

And not only that, but had the audacity to go to your dh about it. Angry

Beamur · 10/11/2021 08:45

Your sister is a fool. He's hardly going to fess up is he?
Hope you get some RL support from someone less blindsided..

Original poster
angryandscared1 · 10/11/2021 08:48

My sister was in an abusive relationship until very recently, she finally left him after months of me and the rest of the family telling her she was in an unsafe situation. She had marks on her arms and was regularly in tears telling me what he had done to her. I pointed out to her that I was nothing but supportive when she was in an abusive situation herself - she replied "I wouldn't say I was being abused, it's not the right word". Hence her comment to me "you shouldn't throw those words around lightly".

Her perception is skewed, right? It must be.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/11/2021 08:49

Yes, her perception is way off.

Suspiciousmind20 · 10/11/2021 08:50

So sorry that was your sisters response. That’s truly awful. Please talk to Rape Crisis to get some proper advice. Flowers

Alcemeg · 10/11/2021 08:51

Blimey OP! Yes, it sounds as though your sister thinks you can't call a situation abuse unless someone almost murders you, and you can't call it rape unless it's a stranger in an alleyway with a knife to your throat.

Well, so that's one person who's not going to help you, unfortunately. What a shame that her own lousy life has given her such low expectations from it. No need for yours to follow the same pattern!

Beamur · 10/11/2021 08:53

Yes, your sisters perception is way off. Not entirely her fault if she's recently out of an abusive relationship herself though..

Original poster
angryandscared1 · 10/11/2021 08:55

She did follow up with "I'll support you in whatever way you need", but she just strongly objected to my labelling of it as abusive. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
bootdilemma21 · 10/11/2021 08:56

@angryandscared1

My sister was in an abusive relationship until very recently, she finally left him after months of me and the rest of the family telling her she was in an unsafe situation. She had marks on her arms and was regularly in tears telling me what he had done to her. I pointed out to her that I was nothing but supportive when she was in an abusive situation herself - she replied "I wouldn't say I was being abused, it's not the right word". Hence her comment to me "you shouldn't throw those words around lightly".

Her perception is skewed, right? It must be.

Yes, definitely skewed. So sorry. Please stop trying to convince her. It will be exhausting and upsetting. Just turn to people who you know will be supportive and please call Rape Crisis. I had some counselling which was incredibly helpful in getting my head clear about it all.
whatsthecraic91 · 10/11/2021 09:07

@angryandscared1

So the latest is I confided in my sister ... and she promptly called him for "his side". Resulting in him managing to convince her he did nothing wrong and this is all because of my "postnatal depression". My sister also said to me (and I quote) "rape / abuse are not words that should be thrown around lightly".

Right.

I actually can't believe your sister said this!!! He's a manipulative bastard