Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

[angryandscared1]

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore.

Try reading the thread, it WAS rape, and no its NOT a "harsh word". It's the truth.

OP, I have a lot going on in my life, it's chaos but if either of my sisters contacted me to say they needed me or a place to stay or a hug I would move heaven and earth to accommodate them. Please consider speaking to them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, he violated you when you were most vulnerable despite you clearly saying no.
I want to wrap you in a hug. I can't believe he's in the force.

I would do literally anything for my sibling if they were in a situation like yours. I would be heartbroken and furious for them and I would help them. I'm quite busy and I wouldn't think twice about stepping up to help. Please reach out to your siblings! I'm sure they would be horrified if they knew what you were going through and that you didn't reach out because you didn't want to be a bother.

Op I have a lot going on (doesn't everyone?? But I would walk over hot coals for my siblings or jump on a plane if they needed me. Please speak to your siblings.

Not everyone has siblings like that. The OP may not be comfortable sharing with her family now (or ever)
Telling her what you would do doesn't really help, she needs to speak to a rape crisis person for advice.

OP, as previous posters, if my best friend needed me for something this serious, I would be dropping everything! Please, reach out to someone for RL support - you are important!

He did rape you as you didn't consent to sex without protection. He sounds truly awful 😢

Just remember that you're in a very vulnerable state now and you're essentially grieving, as you've been physically and mentally hurt by someone you thought cared for you. People grieve in different ways, some people find it helpful to talk, others withdraw and need time to process their feelings first. But don't ever feel that you're a burden on anyone if you approach them for help. The fact you feel like this shows that you have concern for others which unfortunately is something that your partner hasn't shown for you. Also don't allow your partner to make you feel like he's the only one who can relieve your grief - this is what some men will try to do by essentially 'love bombing' you after harming you.

Try and picture in your head someone you've been in love with in the past that you stopped loving for whatever reason. Realise that the intensity of emotions that you first feel for someone often disappear when they hurt you or you fall out of love with them. Then you see them very differently. At some point this will happen with your partner and you'll see him differently, you may already do. If not, in the future you will, you'll look at him and you'll feel no love, just repulsion and disdain. He certainly doesn't deserve your love.

Are you ok OP? I hope your day has been better and you are feeling a little stronger now.

Hope things are ok at home and your partner hasn't been back.

Let us know how you are when you feel up to it.

please speak to your friend or family you need support x

Are you Ok, OP? Hoping you are with someone who is supporting you through this. Take care of yourself and DC - you are the ones that matter now.

Go to your family please - he will wear you down - he knows what he did is wrong but for what reasons - to protect himself and his job.
Don’t let him in to see the baby if you feel unsafe.
Call the police if you do let him in and feel threatened by him.
I’m so sorry you have experienced this.

I have told my friend. She is shocked, fuming with him and upset I didn't tell her sooner. She told me I always have a place to go if I need to. He is coming back today and I don't know what to expect. I feel sick but I need a break from the baby, I can't do it all on my own like this all the time, I'm not a good mum because I'm so exhausted.

Go to hers with the baby and ask if you can have a break and a sleep while she has baby for a bit.

Do that first, before you hand the baby over to him.

Oh and you are a much better mum than he is a dad. Good dads don't rape their babies' mums.

So sick of seeing endless evidence that the kind of men who want to become policemen are generally thoroughly bad apples :(

I'm glad your friend knows. Well done, it must have been hard to get the words out.

Your current exhaustion is totally understandable, & does not make you a bad mother. It makes you a good mother who has been through a horrible experience & is coping bravely.

You know you don't have to see him, don't you?
That you owe him nothing?
That you don't even have to be in when he is due to come back?

All mums get exhausted, @angryandscared1… that has nothing to do with whether or not you’re a good mother. Please stop with the guilt trip Darling. Don’t let him get into your head.

Just remember that good men don’t rape women.
Good husbands don’t rape their wives.
Good fathers don’t rape the mothers of their children.

Well done op. You need to think about childcare and legal advice
You are a good mum, you were abused, you are traumatised. Don't see him, let your friend or family help with baby for a while. Keep talking, keep breathing. You can do this, you are inching toward support. Explore your options, you have some and rescourses are available. Don't put up with his behaviour for you or your child. He is a danger be serious about it. It's not easy but you can do it, many others have, reach out for help, don't be a domestic violence statistic you deserve better. Good wishes, don't lose your anger

coming back to this thread l am so heartened by your update op, please take the good advice here.

I'm so glad you've confided in your friend.

Raising kids is hard. It's easier than raising kids with a bloke who is bullying and assaulting you. You may not realise yet, but you've been spending energy keeping him sweet. You'll feel better when you don't have to.

Glad you have spoken to your friend, OP. It's not surprising you're exhausted. Looking after small children/babies is exhausting!

It's great that you have the option of staying with your friend, should you want to do that. Take good care.

Well done for telling your friend, that really is huge and breaks the whole narrative of keeping you silent and ashamed. I promise it will help hugely.
All mums are tired, especially when they are doing most of the care. It will be hard being on your own but so much better that be scared and broken down by living with a rapist for an hour of help a day.