Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

[angryandscared1]

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore.

If you are scared of him, OP. Take yourself and your baby to the chemist and when you ask for the map, ask them to help you. Our chemist, and many others are designated 'safe spaces' for those who might be at risk of domestic violence. He raped you, that's one of the worst sort of violence someone can commit.

www.gov.uk/government/news/pharmacies-launch-codeword-scheme-to-offer-lifeline-to-domestic-abuse-victims

OP your priority is to get yourself and your baby to a safe place. Leave and go to somewhere public - a shop, a supermarket, a pub. Call your family and get someone to come and pick you up and you need to tell them what's happened.

Get yourself and your baby somewhere safe.

@angryandscared1

He's now saying he regrets every time he's had sex with me and he's shouting at me

Which is also a form of violence. He's bullying you.

You know this is not good.

OP worrying about not being able to cope with the baby isn't a reason to put up with this. I had those same thoughts but actually once I left I had a massive boost in energy and mental clarity because I wasn't locked in a horrible mental loop worrying about him. It will seem huge to you right now but it's nothing you can't do. Women have been raising children on their own since the beginning of time and been doing bloody good jobs of it. And honestly it doesn't seem that hard now because compared to how bad it was before this is easy and peaceful and predictable and safe. You absolutely can do it.

So sorry @QueeniesCroft

Thing is, if you stay with him, he's going to do this again.

You've asked him repeatedly not to shout - he still does.
You've asked him repeatedly not to be rough during sex - he still is.
You've asked him repeatedly not to hold your throat during sex - he still does.
He's now moved it up a notch to rape.

Each time he's crossed your boundaries, you've given him more chances, and he continues his behaviours - and in fact they worsen.

@angryandscared1

I basically said to him why do you do it, does sexual violence honestly turn you on? He said not sexual violence, just rough sex. Well where's the line?!? I honestly can't even be around him.

The line is clearly where either one of the consenting partners feels comfortable. This is why people into things like BDSM have safe words. You have previously communicated to him where your line is; he has repeatedly crossed it & worse. Despicable

He's now saying he regrets every time he's had sex with me and he's shouting at me

Please get out of there OP. When you get an opportunity, leave with the baby.

His response is telling you everything you need to know about him.

EVEN IF last night was a misunderstanding ...

(which of course it wasn't, as you were very clear you wanted only gentle sex, and with a condom. He knew exactly what you were consenting to)

.... but even if it was some sort of misunderstanding, any half-decent man would now be beside himself that he had physically hurt you, made you frightened of him, made you doubt if you can trust him ever again. He was be apoligising, begging your forgiveness, trying to assure you it would never happen again. He'd be angry at himself and upset that you were upset.

But he isn't even doing that. He's angry.

So - he disregards your boundaries
He is rough when you said you want gentle
He doesn't use a condom when you say that's essential
He minimises what he's done
He isn't sorry he's hurt you / scared you / shown you you can't trust him....

and he thinks he's the victim?

Op him shouting at you is domestic abuse in its own right and will be impacting on your baby. He is angry that you have stood up for yourself and is trying to silence you with his aggression. Vile man. You need to get out of this situation today. He knows he has raped you and he is becoming reckless and desperate to shut you up. Please leave the house with your baby or call 999.

OP I sincerely hope that all our well-meaning posts here are not making you feel under even more pressure. But if you were my relative - hell, if you were even a casual acquaintance - I would be driving straight round to your house to collect you & the baby & keep you safe.

Your friend will feel the same.
If you cannot contact her, PP above made a great suggestion re: the chemist.
Your partner knows exactly what he did to you, & is now raging at you about it to intimidate you into going along with him & pretending all is ok.
It is NOT ok. He puts his hands round your throat. It is one of the most extreme 'danger alerts' on any register. Please make getting to a safe space your absolute priority today.

I am feeling very upset for you from this post OP. In some ways it seem worse than rape by a stranger when you clearly know what's happening and the fact that is wrong. Here you are questioning yourself and your part in this and wondering if you are to blame which is an awful situation.

From what you say you gave him clear instruction so he doesn't have any excuse. The hand on the throat thing should be by mutual consent before any relationship, you don't just do this sort of thing without asking someone or discussing it or that is a road to major problems. You said be gentle, he wasn't. You said use a condom, he didn't. he wasn't bothered about causing you physical pain. He's putting his lack of sex (poor little boy) above your mental and physical wellbeing. These are massive red flags. A relationship should have respect, simple as.

He's now saying he regrets every time he's had sex with me and he's shouting at me

Of course he is!
He tried the ‘playing it down’ act
Now it’s the aggressive act.
If you don’t submit the aggressive act it will be the apologetic act - where he’s extremely sorry and starts crying saying he never meant to hurt you.
If you still don’t fall for it then he’ll try the manipulative act - where he’ll blame you for breaking up the family and bring your child into it.

I'm so sorry. How dare he. He is a monster. He is angry because you had the strength to confront him, when he should be grovelling. If he really loved you he would be horrified by your pain. You have been incredibly brave and wise to document your assault by posting it here. because he is going to try to rewrite your memory, he is going to try to make you doubt yourself and minimise his crime.

Please, just take your baby and get out of there. Please call your friend and tell them.

@angryandscared1

His explanation was "I like rough sex" and that's what he thought it was. I said I didn't consent to that. He said he was sorry and it won't happen again. And then just went quiet appears to be sulking.

Really? It sounds like he likes assaulting women. You said no to certain things. He totally ignored them and I'm imaging he enjoyed deliberately doing it rough when you asked for gentle and getting thrills off that.

Whether you class it as rape or not, it certainly was a degrading experience, intentionally so by the sounds of it, and you can at least call it sexual assault which is bad enough. It's a massive betrayal of trust, dignity and safety.

Rape, by the way, isn't always committed by men who plot such things for hours before they do them. It's also done in a very casual way. You have what they want, and so they take it, and use your body how they want it as if you were an object. It doesn't matter what you want, doesn't matter about your welfare. The sex is done to you, instead of with you.

He didn't like you standing up for yourself so he's tried to shut you down. He is probably scared at this point that you'll go to the police (fear is sometimes a new experience to some of these men and he might get very aggressive as a result).

Get out as soon as you can. There's many reasons way - dignity, safety, broken trust, degradation, dominant selfish behaviour. You don't even have to say the word 'rape'.

OP, I’ve read this thread on and off all day. You need to leave. You deserve better. You really do. Do you have anywhere to go tonight?

This is all standard tactics from abusive men. He has a range of options that he will try next if he doesn't get what he wants. Remember what he says to you and use it to inform what you do next. Once he has stopped shouting he will probably either sulk until you try and patch things up or will love bomb you so that you doubt your own interpretation of the events of the last 24 hours.

This is Abusive behaviour .There is no excuse for rape .If you can confide in your friend ,it will help you .You have done nothing wrong at all . Please note that yes he is helping with baby .However he is not a good man if he hurts you on purpose . Whatever you feel about being a single mum it will be better than being abused .Take baby steps ,confide in your friend ,get MAP ,look at Solicitors and see if you can get Ducks In A Row .Sending love/hugs to you xx

Yes, asking the Chemist for help is a great idea. You can ask for ANI: www.gov.uk/government/news/pharmacies-launch-codeword-scheme-to-offer-lifeline-to-domestic-abuse-victims
If you think you're in immediate danger please don't hesitate to ring 999. You can make a silent call that will be transferred to the police and they can trace you by pressing 55 after 999. It's easier for them to trace you by calling on a landline, but it's also possible on a mobile.

He's scared, he knows he has raped you, was violent, he needs to frighten you into silence. He knows if your report it he's screwed.
He is shouting to frighten you into silence
You need to leave. You need to send him a message saying you repeatedly asked him to be gentle, you had to ask him to get his hand off your throat, you asked multiple times for him to use a condom.

Get it in writing.

You were very very clear on your boundaries and what was acceptable to you.

He DID NOT CARE and thought about himself only. And then he's made you feel as if it's your fault.

I really hope you have the balls and means to end this awful relationship. Sooner rather than later.

OP, love, I know it's hard but you must leave him. If you don't, then as far as he's concerned you're giving him the message that all of it - the rape, the violence, the shouting - is ok. He will do it again. Babies are hard but living with a man like this is harder. Babies get better, men like this get worse.

As a PP said, the fact that he's used the 'I got carried away' excuse knowing it's one trotted out by men who kill their partners is utterly chilling.

His explanation was "I like rough sex"
But you don't.

He should care about what you want and what you enjoy.

Hello OP - we're so sorry this has happened to you. You're getting some good advice on the thread but please consider speaking to someone in real life too. Your GP could be a good place to start. Please take a look at the NHS website for some links about domestic abuse and here for rape and sexual assault specifically.

Best wishes from MNHQ.