Is there anything you’ve had to massively compromise on in life because of your relationship?

[Redapplegreengrapes]

I was thinking about this yesterday.

DH just isn’t into animals. Doesn’t like dogs or cats, so we don’t have any pets.

Of course it’s something ‘small’ but it does annoy me given that he hasn’t had to compromise on his hobbies or interests since meeting me. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

No I haven't. And someone who doesn't like dogs or cats would be a huge red flag for me!

Wouldn’t have considered anyone who didn’t like cats because I had two at the time. DH is batty about them though, we ended up with five of the things.

I've always wanted a rabbit and I was never allowed own growing up and DP doesn't want one either so I'm waiting til the kids are old enough to want one because he won't say no to them

Why should you make this compromise if he’s not making any? Do you want to live your life or his? How old are you?

Not a compromise is it? It's you sacrificing something you want, and him sacrificing bugger all.

What about small furries like guinea pigs?

I’m not sure not liking pets is a reason to not have them if the other partner is keen, allergies or a phobia is different, but I know a couple of people where one doesn’t like the pet but they came with the relationship. Obviously the person who wants the animal has to do the caring for it.

He wants a dog but wants me to look after it and I’m absolutely not up for that. If he was prepared to get up for it and do 90% of the work I’d be fine with it. He’s not resentful or anything, he knows as well as I do he wouldn’t step up.

I wanted to live in a city, but dh hates hustle and bustle, so we live in a large village. To be fair we moved to Brighton for a few months, but it really didn’t work. I also wanted to go travelling after uni, but I fell in love with him and couldn’t bare the thought of time apart, not his fault at all, just fell in love way too young. We’ve been together 23 years now and I’m still in love with him.

My dfil is allergic to cats so no cats for us!

Dp came with a dog so many more uk holidays, camping, not going for long days out etc than I anticipated!

I'm not sure if its a compromise but DP is much more outdoorsy than me so I probably spend much more time in bird hides then I ever anticipated

Not having oets because he doesn't like them is not a small compromise. To me it would be a massive deal breaker. Allergies are different but just disliking -no, having pets is one of my major joys in life.

I don't think I'd give up having a cat because an in-law is allergic. Unless you live in the same house, I suppose.

I think forcing a dog onto someone would be wrong - dogs are a lifestyle thing.

He would agree to have cats but I just can’t be doing with him moaning about them

Compromised on where we live and number of children we have. Grown up reasonable compromises though.

I had to give up my job as DH’s was so much more important than mine.
I’ve lost salary and pension, and spent a lot of time on my own feeling lonely and sexually frustrated.

And I wasn’t allowed another child.
And I’ve had to watch him drink a bottle of wine every night.
And I have to put up with his little lies even though I despise lying.

Have up my career and friends to live near his family. He didn't like me having those friends. Didn't want me to do a job that would take me away from home.
Lasted 15 years.
I can't get the career back but real friends are still there and reconnecting has been a joy

Ugh that doesn’t sound good at all @GoodnightGrandma

I hope you’re in a better place @Athrawes

My career.
I often regret it but things have worked out well for us so it’s all ok. We have a good life.

It depends on what is important to the individuals. For me, not having animals would be a compromise I absolutely wouldn’t make (I have loads of dogs and adore them!) but I also didn’t want children, so if my DH did, I wouldn’t expect him to make that compromise either? Personally, I think you have to be roughly on the same page in terms of values, desires and aspirations

In some ways if I am honest we just aren’t. What’s important to me isn’t to him and vice versa.

Compromised on where we live and number of children we have. Grown up reasonable compromises though

This

In recent years I've sacrificed a lot of balance in my life and financial stability to support dh with his career change and studies. It's been very tough but it's worth it to see him grow and develop. Can't wait till he qualifies though!

I disagree though that one of you can have a pet without the other one being impacted

DP has a dog (who's now our dog) even though dp does 90% of the walks and care because the dog will mostly only accept them from her, when dp is ill or away it falls to me. Often our weekends involve some sort of long dog walk together. We can't go for super long days out eg whole day weddings, theme park trips without dog care, even things like going to dinner after work means the dogs been left for too long. We have predominantly had to do uk based holidays to bring dog with us or arrange sitters, spontaneous weekends to visit friends are hard

The dog lives in my house, sheds on my carpet, when it's ill I also have to be present. I love the bloody thing so I don't mind, but even though 90% of the dog care falls to someone else he very much impacts me
As he gets older and needs more care then the restrictions increase we've given up on going abroad this year and our finances are taking the hit from his vet care.

Obviously something like a cat would be less intense, but even our rabbit chewed the carpet and id be much more annoyed about that if it wasn't mine!

Living in my home country (the UK) (although tbf if I had been truly desperate to go back dh would have agreed and we would have made it work somehow. As it happens, Brexit etc happened and we're much better off here, and I've pretty much assimilated over the years).

I was the one who wanted the cats rather than dh, and he whinges about them sometimes, but I often find one of them firmly ensconsed on his lap/shoulder in the evenings. :)

@category12

He's very allergic, as in we'd have to change clothes before we visited and he'd never step foot in our house again
He wouldn't be able to visit grand children in their home, and only see them in a park etc, he couldn't come for Christmas Dinner etc. They also live a drive away so a visit does normally require a whole day visit rather than a quick dash to theirs or meet in a park

As he gets older we anticipate we might need to support with some care stuff, or at least have him here while he recovers from a knee op

A career.
I sometimes feel incredibly sad/angry about it, but it is what it is.

I agree you can't force a dog on someone who doesn't want one. It's not like having a rabbit or some fish, where one person can look after them 100% and they don't impact the other. A dog means regular walks / impact on time / affects where you go on holiday / if you can go out / costs a lot / leaves hairs everywhere / you can't ignore it / it wouldn't be fair on the dog either.

If you get together with someone who you know doesn't like pets, then you have the choice to stay with them and accept that (if you can't find a compromise pet) to not stay with them.

But it sounds like this is much bigger than whether or not you have a dog. It's that you seem to want very different things in life, and he is getting what he wants but you aren't??