Is there anything you’ve had to massively compromise on in life because of your relationship?

[Redapplegreengrapes]

I was thinking about this yesterday.

DH just isn’t into animals. Doesn’t like dogs or cats, so we don’t have any pets.

Of course it’s something ‘small’ but it does annoy me given that he hasn’t had to compromise on his hobbies or interests since meeting me. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

@HeadNorth

Most of these don't sound like compromises - they sound like sacrifices and entirely one way. Why is it always the women who have to make the sacrifices?

I am in a long marriage and have made many compromises over the years, but never the sort of sacrifices made here. Family, friends, career - these things matter and shouldn't be given up lightly - nor should someone who loves you want or expect you to.

Hear hear. DH and I both have ‘important’ long-hours jobs. One of the first things we talked about when deciding whether or not to have a child was how we would BOTH be able to work flexibly. We both decided to have a child. It wasn’t some unilateral decision. My career is every bit as important to me as DH’s is to him — arguably more, as I’ve stayed in the field I originally studied for, and he’s moved around into a far higher-paying field.

How did the people who lost their careers have this come about?

I ended up declining an offer for a fantastic life-changing role because DH turned out to basically be unemployable in that location. Then we considered a move abroad but DH's parents had never set foot on a plane and that became a deal breaker. Yes I progressed elsewhere but slowly.

Then when we had DS the nature of DH's job and shift patterns meant I had to be available for nursery drop off and pick up every day (wfh not a common option then and slow broadband) so felt I couldn't go for senior leadership team type positions. Believe me, we both looked for opportunities for DH to move upwards/sideways etc but it's a job that will be overtaken by technology soon. He did eventually make a move and get off shifts but by then I was ten years off the ladder. I still work and enjoy my current role but it's low pay.

Gave up a job I loved and moved 300 miles away as he applied for and got a new job there without my agreement. I was 6 months pregnant and at the time couldn’t see another way. In retrospect I should just have stayed where I was happy. It’s worked out in the end but I probably lost about 5 years of career progression as my job was quite are specific so I had to do a different kind of work.

@GoodnightGrandma No, she doesn't have dual nationality yet, I need to look at the UK side. She could only have it up to 18 anyway as there's currently no agreement between our two countries. We're going to the UK just the two of us in a few weeks, just for a weekend.

My ex was like this! Hated dogs so I replaced him with one he's the best! Makes less mess too haha

Yes I think sacrifice is the right word in my circumstances, but it's done now.
If I think about it too much I just get pissed off.
I don't want to spend the rest of my married life being resentful.

I should add in the interests of transparency, I didn't give up a career. I had to leave uni so never got the opportunity to establish the one I wanted.
If dh had been prepared to compromise I could have finished and then who knows..?

Could you back to uni now?

No I'm too old and can't afford it.
There was a short window when I might have been able to go back but my dc got sick for a few years so that was that.

@Redapplegreengrapes

I think forcing a dog onto someone would be wrong - dogs are a lifestyle thing.

He would agree to have cats but I just can’t be doing with him moaning about them

Is he in charge then?

I compromised my peace of mind, being respected in my own home, happiness, health, having children, and then even compromised having a voice (I developed a stutter from living under the pressure). Haven’t stuttered since I walked out 18 months ago. Can’t believe I took that shit for so long.

I compromised on marriage, adoption and so much more.
Somehow I have let him make all the decisions in our lives.

So many things.

But the acquiescing to his choice of colour in the home (black, tan, cream, brown, greys) stands out. Might seem a frivolous one, but after I left, the sudden emergence of colour in my home made me happy.

DH won't let us get a dog, or any other pets aside from the 2 cats we have already.

I'd love a dog. Would compromise with another pet instead, but no.

@Rhootintootinboo Sorry you went through all that.

City living. I love the hustle and bustle, DH can't stand it, and his WFH job comes with a lot of equipment, so we live in the suburbs. It's fine, he's worth it.

I don’t have a partner so my compromise was not having another child.
Because I can’t afford one.

But we have several pets and every room in my house is painted a different shade of my favourite colour. If a boy lived here they would want it repainted.

Ideally I would have liked to live abroad for a bit but DP is older with adult DC and elderly parents who I know he can’t leave. DP says he’d also like to live abroad, but realistically I know he’d be miserable that far away from them.

I have had to compromise on DP’s ridiculously expensive & very time consuming hobby. Money isn’t the issue, he pays for it out of his own disposable income, but it takes up more of his free time than I would wish, including several full weekends every year.

He has had to compromise on pets. He would love to have a couple of cats but I’m allergic to them so it’s a non-starter.

Being able to make all the decisions regarding my children. I know this sounds very self centred but I find it very difficult to think that I don't know what's best for them. I love adventure and want to go travelling with them when they are 7 and 9, DP says absolutely no. It's too big a thing for me, but not worth leaving over and he still would have a say so even if we were separated. Deep down I don't think I'd ever be happy being tied to someone, I'm essentially selfish and really struggle to compromise if I have my heart set on something (like homeschooling.)

I dunno if it's really a compromise, but I never thought I'd end up with someone who isn't as into music as I am. I would probably have gone to see a lot more bands live/concerts/operas if I'd married someone into music.

But then, he's really into films, and I'm not so much, and not at all into horror, so he's probably seen less films than he'd like because of me. Also he's barely been skiing (which he did growing up) because I have a duff hip which makes it a bit of a no-no for me. So if anything he's probably given up more!

He'd like to move to another country ideally as well, but I've said not even a consideration while my DM's alive (which won't be to a ripe old age, due to various health conditions). Might consider it after that, though still probably a no unless this country goes to hell so badly that it's worth leaving everything we know because of it.

Fucking other men, mostly.

Not moving back to my home country after the kids were born. Therefore living my whole adult life in a country I didn’t plan to stay in for life. Missed a lot of seeing my parents so he wouldn’t miss seeing his. It’s easy to miss the reasons why decisions were made with hindsight though and I know why we ended up here. For those who want cats with an allergic partner. My son has allergies and carries an epi pen. He is allergic to cats (tested) but dr said he could have cats as you get used to it and the allergic symptoms reduce - take anti-histamine until symptoms settle. We now have two cats and he’s fine.

I've compromised on everything.

I now live abroad in a country not of my choosing, in a city not of my choosing within that country. In order to work I need to not only learn, but master the language plus spend at least another 4 years studying. I have virtually no friends and my family consists of one person who lives in NZ.

My physical health is bad, my mental health is - well, broken.

I've also had to compromise on having anybody who cares about me around me (he doesn't really) and I've had to give up all physical desire and intimacy as well as sex, because he doesn't want that in his life (and I even wish that he were having an affair, but it's not that, he just has no sexual attraction and no real sexual drive - that was hidden from me for some time and I was told it was my fault he didn't want to touch me..).

My DH has a career that has gone from height to height, is in excellent health (biking, marathon runner, skilled skier) and will at some point leave this country to go work in another country while I have to stay living here (because I'm divorcing him) - unless he agrees I can move the kids somewhere else. But I now have nowhere else to go.

And all this makes me feel like I'm a prize idiot. So I've also compromised my self worth (couldn't have been that high anyway but at least there was some!!).

I did get a cat though when he didn't want one. So I guess he's at least had to compromise on that (I do all the work though).

No. He's supportive and has made it possible to do more things. I hope I do the same for him; I certainly try to.