Is there anything you’ve had to massively compromise on in life because of your relationship?

[Redapplegreengrapes]

I was thinking about this yesterday.

DH just isn’t into animals. Doesn’t like dogs or cats, so we don’t have any pets.

Of course it’s something ‘small’ but it does annoy me given that he hasn’t had to compromise on his hobbies or interests since meeting me. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

How did the people who lost their careers have this come about?

@Redapplegreengrapes

I was thinking about this yesterday.

DH just isn’t into animals. Doesn’t like dogs or cats, so we don’t have any pets.

Of course it’s something ‘small’ but it does annoy me given that he hasn’t had to compromise on his hobbies or interests since meeting me. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

But it’s not small because you only have one short life, and if that means never having the cat/dog that you would like it starts resentment, especially when the other person isn’t compromising in their life.

Yes, I’m puzzled (and appalled) by the posts from several people who say they ‘had to give up’ their careers for their spouse/DP. Why?

@Redapplegreengrapes

How did the people who lost their careers have this come about?

I had no childcare from family. I worked hospital shifts and DH worked away, so I had to become a SAHM if I wanted children. That didn’t bother me so much in the beginning , but what did really piss me off was when I got a PT job to suit the kids, he said that he wouldn’t be ringing in sick to his job if the kids were off school/nursery.

I've given up any possibility of ever going back to the UK to live. I won't be able to support my parents in their old age, I've drifted away from my best friend, and there are so many aspects of life there that I miss hugely. Even if we divorced (no reason to ATM!) I couldn't go because I'd either have to abandon my daughter or remove her from him. We have a good relationship but sometimes I think he doesn't fully realise what I've given up.

@GoodnightGrandma

And I wasn’t allowed another child. And I’ve had to watch him drink a bottle of wine every night. And I have to put up with his little lies even though I despise lying.

That sounds awful.

@LaMadrilena

I've given up any possibility of ever going back to the UK to live. I won't be able to support my parents in their old age, I've drifted away from my best friend, and there are so many aspects of life there that I miss hugely. Even if we divorced (no reason to ATM!) I couldn't go because I'd either have to abandon my daughter or remove her from him. We have a good relationship but sometimes I think he doesn't fully realise what I've given up.

Does your child have a dual passport ? Do you ever bring the child back to the Uk for a holiday without dad ?

Of course it’s something ‘small’ but it does annoy me given that he hasn’t had to compromise on his hobbies or interests since meeting me.

Depending on what his hobbies are, I don’t think it’s a reasonable comparison. Getting a dog is big deal if someone in the house doesn’t want one, I’m not sure I can think of an equivalent hobby that has equal effect on the other person.

Whether or not you’re happy to not have a pet is different question, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to say “why should I not have a dog when he still gets to go and play golf” or whatever his hobby is. Unless his hobby actually is a huge imposition on you (and my partner getting a dog would be a huge imposition on me, thankfully DH doesn’t want one either), in which case it’s reasonable to feel like it isn’t fair

I’ve not so much given up on friendships but they are harder to maintain now.

Dh likes dogs.. .used to have one. I have no dislike for them but don't want one...too much responsibility. He accepts that....our lives are too busy for one.

That’s not really what I’m saying though @SickAndTiredAgain. I have acknowledged a dog impacts on the whole house.

But DPs hobby limits where we live, type of house, and costs a not insignificant amount of money yet in conversations about money it’s never mentioned giving it up, it’s like suggesting selling a child!

Cats OTOH aren’t so much of a big deal but I just can’t take the moaning about them and not fair on the animal itself.

@Redapplegreengrapes

How did the people who lost their careers have this come about?

Circumstances really

We had a few children in quick succession and I had a child from a previous relationship so made sense for me to stay at home. He worked long hours

Most of these don't sound like compromises - they sound like sacrifices and entirely one way. Why is it always the women who have to make the sacrifices?

I am in a long marriage and have made many compromises over the years, but never the sort of sacrifices made here. Family, friends, career - these things matter and shouldn't be given up lightly - nor should someone who loves you want or expect you to.

I thought I was giving up having a cat but then we had rats 🤢 and DH discovered he isn't as allergic as he thought. We are on to cat no 2.
We have been limited in where we live as DH has v limited workplaces and I would love to take a secondment abroad I've been offered but DH has medical issues that may preclude this.

Having a dog. DH really isn't keen, he doesn't want the responsibility or to be so tied down or the extra commitment on our expenses. All very valid reasons and I can see his pint. I'm still sad though.

(I should note that DH gave up a very quick commute to work to live near my work).

@inawe

No I haven't. And someone who doesn't like dogs or cats would be a huge red flag for me!

That's a bit extreme saying it's a red flag! OP didn't say he didn't like animals she said he's not into them. There's a huge difference. I'm not an animal person so I don't have any pets. It doesn't mean I don't like them.

I'm not sure I see staying home and looking after my children as a compromise. I see it that my partner has to sacrifice time with his kids he will never get back to go to work so we can afford to live. You can get a career again pretty much any time in your life. You can never get those early years back with your children and my partner absolutely hates that he has to miss out.

Yes, so much of these so-called compromises are not, they're sacrifices.

He doesn’t much like them to be fair but I don’t think it is a red flag. It’s not as if he’d be cruel to one.

I had a cat when I met DP and anyone who didn’t like them would’ve been a dealbreaker for me. Thankfully he does like them and I don’t think either of us have had to make any big compromises

@Thisthatandtheotherthing

I'm not sure I see staying home and looking after my children as a compromise. I see it that my partner has to sacrifice time with his kids he will never get back to go to work so we can afford to live. You can get a career again pretty much any time in your life. You can never get those early years back with your children and my partner absolutely hates that he has to miss out.

Yes. My DH may see that as a compromise. I think it was the not going back to work as they got older that was the compromise.

I actually don’t regret it

I’ve just been thinking about this. I would say that DH has had to compromise more than me, but he’s happy with the choices we’ve eventually made.

He didn’t want children initially, but agreed to foster when I asked. We ended up adopting two of our foster kids.

He didn’t want animals, but somehow, 3 rescue dogs and a cat have arrived- he loves them all.

We do our own thing a lot. I love hiking; he comes occasionally, but mostly I go with friends.

None of this has been a problem because I’m respectful of him doing his own thing too.

We’ve evolved from the people we were when we met; him more than me.

I compromised on location, moving to his city rather than starting our joint life in a rural location. Then circumstances changed - severely disabled child - and now I am much happier that we are in the city, with easy access to high quality medical and educational provision.

With regards to work, it was a true compromise - we were both jobhunting when our child was born. When it became obvious that one of us would need to be a SAH parent long-term, it became a matter of who got a good job first (me) and the other would stay at home (DH). It's worked for us.