Please give your opinions on how this could pan out...

[Squeezedtillipop]

you know, hive mind.

Both divorced, both in 50s. He works from home, I’m financially independent. Six kids between us, mid teens and tweens. My kids live with me, his are with his ex. He lives two counties away, near the kids and sees his kids EOW but their relationship isn’t great tbh. Youngest has ASD and can’t cope with some things, eldest is too busy.

My kids are settled in school here and I’ve no plans to move them. He says he’s only living where he is to see his children and that isn’t going well as I say, and he says he feels stuck. I’m not ready to have him move here or similar, and much as my ex husband is an arse, my kids don’t need a new Dad.

He keeps saying that he can’t live where he is indefinitely as he’s stuck there just for the kids, and is lonely. He’s ex forces and doesn’t have much of a local network where he is. We are really happy when we are together, we (or rather he) can’t get his head around the logistics of it all.

If you had to predict how this goes, what happens next?

You seem happy with the status quo so it's really on him, isn't it?

I assume he's hinting about moving in with you? You can reasonably say no to that and hold the line.

He's not stuck where he is indefinitely, how old is his youngest? Once they all finish school he's at liberty to move wherever he pleases, surely?

I guess the ideal is that he holds out for a few more years where he is, then moves to your area but not actually into your house (unless you've changed your mind by then).

His youngest has just started seniors so he’d have another 5-7 years there.

Yes I’m in no rush, but then there’s a bit of me that thinks that’s sort of putting off life, and meanwhile he’s all alone most of the time.

I think my ideal is two semis - me and the kids in one and him and his children when they stay, in the other. And an adjoining door at bedroom level!

How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other?

If he's only seeing his kids eow then I don't see why he can't move wherever, unless it's about commute time to work? Sounds like he needs to pick somewhere he likes and try it out, and start building a social network.

I do think you should be clear with him that you don't want anyone moving in with you and the kids until they are much older/ever.

He tries to bums rush you into letting him move in with you and the voika, you gave a Cocklodger.

Sorry but the way he talks bout feeling stuck because he has to be near his kids is a massive red flag op. He should be near his child. He doesn't get to opt out of parenting because they have asd.

And you have a settled family where you are anyway. So even if everything is all well and healthy, he is probably right that the logistics can't work.

Sounds to me like he’s hinting heavily to move in with you and looking for an excuse to see his kids even less than he already does, living close to your kids but only seeing them EOW is a pretty pathetic effort on his part.

I’d give this one a swerve.

*voila you have

I’d always be a bit wary of a guy in such a rush to move in.

But the real red flag is how keen he is to put his kids behind him.

Whoa I think I may have given the wrong impression here! He’s v v keen to see his kids but the EOW was what was arranged with the ex wife. He sees them in the week too but the one with ASD won’t stay and prefers to be with his mom. I get that - one of mine was a bit like this.

I suppose he could move somewhere commutable to the kids but I think he can’t fathom where and seeing as it’s very “on” with me then it seems to make sense to make our lives easier by his being closer.

My children see their Dad EOW too and never mid week btw.

He is far from keen to put his kids behind him - he’s moved heaven and earth to live where he is. He bought the ex wife out of the family home which I think has been painted to the kids as “daddy took our house” somehow but he did that for continuity for them.

How long've you been seeing him @Squeezedtillipop ? Obviously if it's not been all that long, that makes his keenness to move near you a bit more weird.

From what you've written it appears he would like to move in together, either in your place or buying a place together? I disagree that he sounds like a cocklodger. He's working full time, has assets and is clearly a responsible dad.

You are keen to leave things as they are? He stays over (EOW) when your dc are at their dad's I'm guessing and you want to live separately.

Can you put a time scale on when you might want to progress the relationship and commit fully? Never? In five years?

To be honest, think your attempts to make him sound better are making him sound worse?

So his ex has twisted the situation to the kids to turn them against him. Edging into crazy ex territory here.

And if the concern was continuity for the kids, I he didn’t they continue living there rather than just seeing it EOW, and where’s the continuity in him selling it and moving away now? Something’s not tracking here.

@me4real not long, under a year. We are both rather long in the tooth though.

@SmileyClare if it was just me I’d be happy to throw myself in, we get on so well and I’m happy being around him. It’s the children who are rightly the complicating factor, and whilst they’ve all met and it was fine, I’m very cautious about foisting him on the kids, or involving the pressures of his living with kids who aren’t his.
Yes he has a good career and about the same assets as me.

@NadiaVulvokov the talk of selling it and moving away is driven by the fact that he’s only in that region for the children and yet eldest is too busy to see him and youngest prefers to stay at his moms. Middle one and he are very close.

If it's only been under a year, I'd wait and revisit this in another year? I mean, if it ain't broke don't fix it. You say he complains of being lonely where he is and not having a network of friends. That's not on you to "fix".

That said, if in the future you move in together then you do need him to step into a father role to your dc of some description. If he's prepared to take that on then that could work so don't rule that out completely.

Oh, well, it’s fine then if it’s only one child he’s close to. One close relationship with a child shouldn’t carry much weight in his decision making.

It won’t make any difference to that one child, they’ll totally understand that it would have been worth dad staying if all three kids had been keen on him, but they by themselves just aren’t enough to stick around for.

He bought the ex wife out of the family home which I think has been painted to the kids as “daddy took our house” somehow but he did that for continuity for them.

Well Daddy did take their house if they are now only in it EOW!?

How long have you been together?
It sounds like you are resisting living together and joining as a family which I actually think is admirable and better for your kids. Having another person added to the household is always going to be a minefield and likely to be extra-emotional with teenagers! I'd hold off for a few years until yours are grown.

Do your EOW's match up?
Surely you just go to him once a month and he comes to you once a month when the kids aren't there?

How long ago is it since he left the forces?
Is he searching for structure in his life?

How long ago did he buy the family home?

That now doesn't seem to have been such a good decision for him, could it have been a way of controlling his Ex and the family?

When you say you are financially independent, do you mean you are working?
What sort of interests and life plans do you share?

Yep. Turn right and continue. I miss him, but we are in contact a lot and we get long weekends together by ourselves which is lovely. But nothing to be gained by rushing. I think he’s looking for a solution to feeling a bit lost. I’m not going anywhere, but as you say, that’s on him not me.

@NadiaVulvokov no one has said that.

Actions count not words.

Sound like he talks a good game but the reality is a bit different.

@girlmom21yes we have every other weekend together plus bits of school hols as they fall, and the odd visit mid week if he’s working this way.

Why did he end up with the house if he only has his dcs eow? Why not do the decent thing if continuity was so important and let his ex stay?

He's coming across as a bit of a victim, but his actions indicate things are wrong in his life are due to things he's done.

@AdaColeman he came out 4.5 years ago. I don’t think things were great even before then but all being at home together finished them off and they divorced soon after. He bought her out of the house but she actually only finally moved relatively recently. And you’re right, it hasn’t worked out how he had hoped.
Re future plans we have talked about a lot of things as you’d imagine but of course the kids are the dominant factor. I’m quite a contented home bod type really so I have no huge ambitions that are pressing. He’s much more impatient by nature I think.