Please give your opinions on how this could pan out...

[Squeezedtillipop]

you know, hive mind.

Both divorced, both in 50s. He works from home, I’m financially independent. Six kids between us, mid teens and tweens. My kids live with me, his are with his ex. He lives two counties away, near the kids and sees his kids EOW but their relationship isn’t great tbh. Youngest has ASD and can’t cope with some things, eldest is too busy.

My kids are settled in school here and I’ve no plans to move them. He says he’s only living where he is to see his children and that isn’t going well as I say, and he says he feels stuck. I’m not ready to have him move here or similar, and much as my ex husband is an arse, my kids don’t need a new Dad.

He keeps saying that he can’t live where he is indefinitely as he’s stuck there just for the kids, and is lonely. He’s ex forces and doesn’t have much of a local network where he is. We are really happy when we are together, we (or rather he) can’t get his head around the logistics of it all.

If you had to predict how this goes, what happens next?

@titchy she never much liked the house and couldn’t afford to buy him out so deal they cut was she gets her own new build with no mortgage. It just took longer than expected. He loves the house and is v horsey and there’s a livery attached which he runs and she wasn’t interested in.

Depending on his job why doesn’t he rent out his current house and rent something nearer you. That way if it doesn’t work out he hasn’t lost his house

I'm not sure why posters are determined to paint him as the bad guy? He sounds as though he takes being a father seriously and I don't think he sounds like a potential cocklodger at all. It's possible the ex wanted him to buy her out of the house that she couldn't afford to maintain on her own. Perhaps she wanted to downsize, move closer to her family or something.

It's good to proceed cautiously but it seems some posters have decided he's got ill intentions and is treating his ex and dc like shit.

Anyway, my advice would be to wait and be open to considering options that you're both happy with in the future.

So his job is fixed location wise then? In which case what are his plans employment wise if he moves?

(Not a horsey person but how on earth does someone who's into horses and runs a livery, not know anyone locally? )

He works from home, and doesn’t have much of a local network

Why are you trying to 'fix' his life for him?

Are you wanting posters to suggest he moves in with you and your children when you've known him less than a year!?

No one on here will suggest that.

He sounds like a lost soul who needs to grow up and sort his own shit out.

"@BrilliantBetty Well Daddy did take their house if they are now only in it EOW!? "

Dad did not " take" anything away. He paid for it. Mum could have bought Dad out ?

"@titchy Why did he end up with the house if he only has his dcs eow?"

I suspect because mum could not afford it on her own and he could not support 2 households, one of which is the larger family home.

"Why not do the decent thing if continuity was so important and let his ex stay? "

Maybe he is not made of money? Maybe they had a divorce that included a final financial settlement. Why is this all on the Dad to pay for the housing. If staying put was so essential to the children, mum could have taken it over and purchased his half of the property and all it's associated costs. He has provided continuity as he still has the family home that the children have access to. They likely will also inherit. I hate these kinds of entitled attitudes to properties when relationships break down.

Op, personally i would stay as is and remain as you are. You have not been together very long. Your children are settled and have to be yr priority. If he is lonely he needs to build a social network around him in addition to you where he is. If he wants to move away, that is also his choice. You have yr responsibilities and he has his. It looks like these responsibilities allow you both different sets of freedoms and choices.

So, in less than five years he has left a long established career, started a new career, got divorced from a long established marriage ( they have a teenager) and started a new relationship.

No wonder he is feeling lost, and looking around for someone to provide a bit of stability in his life, especially as his children don’t seem especially interested in him.

His plans all seem half baked, not really thought through, more like “it seemed a good idea at the time”.

Unfortunately for you @Squeezedtillipop, this is where you come in.
You’ve known him for less than a year, you are still at the “honeymoon” stage of your relationship. You don’t really know him at all, he will still be presenting the very best of himself to you, and hoping that you don’t spot his faults.

From his point of view, you are ideal, you have a stable secure life ~ the very thing that he doesn’t have. You get on well with all of your children, unlike him.
Moving in with you would give him the chance of a new happy secure life, your life in fact.

I’d say it was far too soon to be moving in together, it would be you and your children bearing the burden of yet more change in this man’s life.
You and your children would have to cope with all the upheaval, whilst he would gain all the benefits.
It’s notoriously difficult for service men to settle down into ordinary life, he couldn’t manage to do it with his own children and wife, so how would it be easier with your children and a woman he has known for less than a year?

@lovingnewme why am I trying to fix him? Hmm. When I read that first time, I thought “I’m not!” But maybe I am. I want him to be happy. But I also have form for being a doer and fixer of both my life and other people’s so I need to be mindful of this.

"Continuity"? How on earth... He's done some amazing mental gymnastics if he's persuaded himself that his kids living in a new house 80% of the time and staying in their old house EOW provides them with continuity! More like "total fucking confusion"!

That said, I can understand the practical and financial reasons why they've gone down that road. But he shouldn't be trying to justify it as somehow being for the benefit of the DC, because its clearly not, its for the benefit of him and his ex.

I take it the livery is not his main job, as you mentioned his work sometimes bringing him near you, and that he mainly wfh. So if he was to sell up and move (anywhere, not in with you) what would he envisage doing with the livery? Would he sell it as house + livery/Equestrian facilities? That would be a long sale in all probability.

If he's very horsey would he not want a property with facilities to move to, if he owns a horse? Do yours would not be suitable I'd assume, so he'd need to pay for livery locally too.

I'm not horsey myself but have been around horsey people a fair bit. A PP mentioned its surprising he has no local social network and I agree - horsey people tend to be very sociable Ime.

Does he have family or friends in another area? Or is he thinking of moving close to you and expecting you to fulfill all his social needs?

Ime those who have been career military and particularly those who have been in active service find it difficult to make close friendship bonds with civvies.

@AdaColeman you’re right. As a package, if you’re in his position, I’m a good bet.

I suspect there are a lot of basically decent blokes of his age, with a divorce under their belt, who would like for life to just shake down to something simple. I do think he genuinely likes and loves me, but I’m not daft and I know where some of my added value is.

It’s hard to maintain perspective sometimes. His marriage is very over, his career is what it always was, just a different employer, and we get along on a lot of levels.

I have no plans to move him in here etc and I think I’m trying to get a picture of how the future could be, mindful that my kids and my own security and independence are vitally important.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he was supposed to have the kids 50% of the time but that just “didn’t happen” somehow, as I think is often the case. Personally I think that whole bit has been badly handled.
Yes if he was to sell up it would have to be sold as equestrian/small holding type thing. And yes he would prefer somewhere with land. He doesn’t have his own horses at the moment, and the livery largely looks after itself with a bit of supervision from a paid person.

He does have friends, mostly ex service and they’re dotted all over. He has a couple of horsey acquaintances but wasn’t into the whole social scene and I think regarded it as an escape from things rather than a social thing.

He did see some active service but that was some time ago really and most of his experience is in a support function.

So, the message I’m getting from this thread is:

• just enjoy it for what it is at the moment
• hold back cos taking it forward doesn’t benefit me, only him
• he might be a twat in disguise but it’s too soon to tell
• he might want rescuing cos he’s fucked up this bit of his life with the kids etc
• proceed with caution.

Fair?

Yes I think that sounds sensible* I love a summary in bullet points

I suppose it goes without saying that you need to be upfront and honest with him about what you want, how you see things panning out and your (valid) reasons why. If he's a reasonable person then he'll respect that.

You don't have to pause all progress. You could plan a holiday together? That could reveal any hidden underlying twatiness
That said, you both appear to be intelligent decent people and I hope things work out for you.

*disclaimer: I'm not a relationship expert by any means..

@Squeezedtillipop

So, the message I’m getting from this thread is:

• just enjoy it for what it is at the moment
• hold back cos taking it forward doesn’t benefit me, only him
• he might be a twat in disguise but it’s too soon to tell
• he might want rescuing cos he’s fucked up this bit of his life with the kids etc
• proceed with caution.

Fair?

Blimey! Someone who actually listens to the advice and takes it on board! Well done op!

(I'm not being sarcastic or patronising - just cheeky!)

You sound like you're completely got your head screwed on @Squeezedtillipop and hopefully you can just enjoy the relationship unfolding and developing without any pressure

…she actually only finally moved out relatively recently.

It sounds like everyone was still living under the same roof until relatively recently. Have the children actually had enough time to adjust and establish a stable routine in both homes?

Does your Partner’s child who has ASD ever spend the night or is it always day-time contact? If he sells the family home and moves two counties over to be closer to you, how does he envision contact working for that child, who likely has a difficult time handling change? And what about his middle child whom he is close to and sees during the week as well as EOW? Wouldn’t the distance present a hardship for that child?

Surely he should stay there to be available to his children.

To add:
I didn’t mention his eldest child who is too busy to see him. That won’t always be the case. He really needs to relax, stay put, and change his ‘I’m stuck here’ mindset. All 3 children need to know that he is present, available and engaged.

I think you sound quite over invested in what his family background and situation is. You only know his side and his views. But it sounds as though he needs to be near his children for a few years at least.

Your situation is the relevant one for you- you have children at home, you've only known him a year, so you can't move in with him yet in any case. In fact you'd have to think whether you'd ever move a man in with your children - they need to come first I think. I really don't think it is in their interests to move a man in ever (and I'm speaking as someone in the same situation as you).

So for the time being you probably need to carry on as you are and stop worrying about the future.

Honestly I’m listening really hard.

@Itsnotdeep I don’t think I’m over invested in his family situation. It’s just that mine is settled and it’s his that’s the focus of this particular discussion.

I’m aware that there are 2 sides and his ex wife’s position sounds in a lot of ways, similar to how things are with my ex husband so I really do see her position on a lot of things.

@MsDogLady no he moved out a few years ago and worked away. Then covid happened and I think that fragmented things even further so his ex wife and the kids were all in the house and he was mostly absent. So now he has the house, she has her own place and unsurprisingly with that sort of a on-off contact arrangement things are not great. I think he (rather naively) thought having the family home would fix things but it hasn’t.

[quote Squeezedtillipop]@lovingnewme why am I trying to fix him? Hmm. When I read that first time, I thought “I’m not!” But maybe I am. I want him to be happy. But I also have form for being a doer and fixer of both my life and other people’s so I need to be mindful of this.[/quote]
Maybe he's picked up this and expects you to be the driving force in decisions for his life.

You could suggest to him that he uses the next couple of years to really focus on his relationship with his children. Looking at every single thing he could do to make things work better. I really think him running away from that situation to you sounds like him abandoning them.

Agree totally Waterrat.