Who pays for what?

[beanypie]

Need some advice! DH was a high earner. His salary steadily increased from about 80k to 130k, which he was earning for the last 4 years or so. I work part-time and earn roughly £17k a year. However I have only earns this much over the last 5 years. I also do all the housework/cooking/childcare etc…. DH pays for the mortgage and utilities etc and I pay for all the non utilities such as clothes/uniform/ pet insurance/dental bills/Christmas and birthday presents/ trips and school expenses etc. DH feels I should contribute more toward the utilities etc. What are people’s thoughts on this?!

Tot up how much it would cost to do all the 'wife' work and ask him to contribute half of that.

You should look at what the totals are and each pay proportionately to your income.

But really as you are married I think it should be all one pot and your DHs attitude sucks. Would he prefer you to work full time, earn more and then he has to take his fair share of housework, cooking and childcare.

Can't your money all go into one pot and you both have the same amount of 'personal allowance' each month then everything else comes out of the main pot?

I did propose that if I worked more hours he would have to take on household chores etc. He said he wouldn’t do it! 😂

Surely on 10k a month he should be paying everything?

Your wages could be saved for your dc or spends ?

What does he do with the rest of his money?

Surely all your money should go into one pot? You are married?
Are you joint owner on the mortgage?

You know you have a husband issue here that he wants you to contribute more without financially whilst not reciprocating

It isn’t funny that he said he wouldn’t do it I think you need a harsh talk actually about responsibility partnership and sharing

If you were working full-time and neither of you were prepared to do any of the household or childcare work the alternative would be to employ a housekeeper and nanny. Tell him he owes you 50% of the cost of that.

Is he kidding? You are doing all of the house and child stuff. He owes you.

What's changed that he feels you need to contribute more? Do you have access to his bank accounts? Is he wasting money in other ways and is now worried?

It should all go into one pot. If you’re paying all that out of your salary you’re likely left with little to nothing each month whilst he has plenty of disposable income. Do you have access to his earnings? What if you want a night out/haircut etc?

Maybe write down what all of your expenses add up to and divide it by 12. He probably thinks it’s less than £200 a month and doesn’t realise how expensive it all is especially if you have 2+ kids.

I would find it pathetic for a man on 130K to be asking me for money for utilities when I was providing free childcare, housework, etc. I'd be tempted to find a full-time job, contribute what he asks for the utilities and then let him see how much a full time childminder/nanny costs, and a cleaner. It's a lot more than the measly £100 a month or whatever 'your' share of the utilities is.

Stop letting him bully you, OP.

@beanypie

I did propose that if I worked more hours he would have to take on household chores etc. He said he wouldn’t do it! 😂

Why are you laughing at that? He sounds like a total prick.

Why do you not have a joint account? Everything goes in one pot, from which all bills are paid. Have you suggested this to your DH?

Agree with other posters, seems tight and mean and why doesn't he do any chores/household/childcare?

Why have you said "was a high earner" is he not anymore?

Also, who is paying for cars / fuel / travel / savings etc?

OP - is this family money paying for a pension for you?

Bill him for all your working hours at home, £20/hour would be fair for an experienced nanny/housekeeper. He'll find he doesn't have much left after that, and you'll have plenty to pay the bills and contribute to your own pension.

I'm guessing that your earning capacity is much less than his because you have been supporting him to be able to progress his career at the expense of his own.
As he's clearly said that he will not do housework/childcare etc, i think you should find out what it would cost to out source these, tell him he owes you that for the time you have been doing it, and ask how does he intend to finance it as you will now be looking for full-time work. Make sure you include reference to the number of hours you work at home - early mornings, night feeds etc.
He's clearly a prat and a tightwad.

The other thing is, put the maximum amount you can into your pension so that it doesn't even touch your account.

Get a joint account with 2 debit cards. You both pay into this a percentage of your pay. Then pay everything out of that, and each keep your own spending money accounts. You should also have something going to a savings account coming out of that which both of you have access to.

Might also be worth explaining to him, that if you leave CMS says he'll need to pay you about £1,500 a month in child maintenance (assuming 2 kids). So he could also use that to pay whatever he thinks you owe him.

And yes I agree with the others he sounds like a financially abusive prick.

Not on. I'd just tell him straight that he earns 4-7 times what you do and leaves you you do all the childcare so he should be ashamed asking you to contribute financially at all. It's pathetic.

Tbh op if you are currently left with hardly any savings and he is asking you for more, it's financial abuse. How will you cope if you have to leave him? Have you savings? Because it sounds like or might be his intention to make sure you don't.

*it might be his intention