Who pays for what?

[beanypie]

Need some advice! DH was a high earner. His salary steadily increased from about 80k to 130k, which he was earning for the last 4 years or so. I work part-time and earn roughly £17k a year. However I have only earns this much over the last 5 years. I also do all the housework/cooking/childcare etc…. DH pays for the mortgage and utilities etc and I pay for all the non utilities such as clothes/uniform/ pet insurance/dental bills/Christmas and birthday presents/ trips and school expenses etc. DH feels I should contribute more toward the utilities etc. What are people’s thoughts on this?!

Tbh he is horrible and greedy. Imagine being happy to leave your wife with sod all, just so you can have more. Vile.

Make sure that if you stay with this asshole, you keep sone of your money asside and save incase you have to leave him fast.

It's not his £130k. It's family money.

One pot, you both have access, if he doesn't like it, tell him to go off and build a new family or be on his own.

Why did you use the past tense? Saying he was a high earner not that he is?

The marriage vows generally have a bit in them saying ‘all that I have I share with you’, and if you divorced this is certainly the way the law sees it. How does he see your marriage?.

@Purplewithred

The marriage vows generally have a bit in them saying ‘all that I have I share with you’, and if you divorced this is certainly the way the law sees it. How does he see your marriage?.

I am not sure what you mean by that, do you mean that because of this the op should be sharing all her earnings with him?

Think the OP could work full time and/or change career to boost earnings to pay 50%. He should then take a step back and share the housework and childcare.

More even split of responsibilities, both in the house and in career/financially.

Things don't work if one person is doing the majority of either role IME.

Absolutely mental. I earn 130k, my DP earns 50k and the way we split things is pretty much based on that ratio. I don’t know what your mortgage and utilities come out as but I am pretty sure he is not contributing what he should.

Basically add everything up, so food ,utilities ,kids clothes, all other bills such as pet insurance etc you mentioned, presents, school trips and anything else kid related

Then proportion costs accordingly to salary

Then see what he says

LTB take half his £130k and then he'd have to do his own house work

I do not understand how married couples don't just put everything in one pot. You are married, you are a unit. Put it all in one pot, pay everything out of that pot and then have the same amount of personal spends each month transferee to your personal accounts. Personal spends being for stuff you want to spend on yourself.

I pay for all the non utilities such as clothes/uniform/ pet insurance/dental bills/Christmas and birthday presents/ trips and school expenses etc

And that's crazy - how come the children's stuff is entirely your problem?

He's not just stiffing you, but he's stiffing the kids. On his income, trips, classes music lessons and extra tuition if needed is easy - why on earth doesn't he view these things as something he should be responsible for?

We don't have quite the same discrepancy as you as I earn more than you but we allow a £500 saving buffer each and a spends allowance then the rest is split 70/30

We have a similar ratio of income, but no where near the amount of the OP. DH earns about a 3rd of her DH's salary and I earn about a 3rd of the OPs. My DH pays for absolutely everything. My money is only used by me when DH isn't around to pay. And even then he worries about me having enough.

Your DH is taking the piss OP. Start billing him for domestic duties.

Tell him no. Tell him, when he steps up to enable you to earn more. Just like you did so he could progress his career, then you will talk.

He's a pisstaking greedy twat.

@CecilieRose

I would find it pathetic for a man on 130K to be asking me for money for utilities when I was providing free childcare, housework, etc. I'd be tempted to find a full-time job, contribute what he asks for the utilities and then let him see how much a full time childminder/nanny costs, and a cleaner. It's a lot more than the measly £100 a month or whatever 'your' share of the utilities is.

Stop letting him bully you, OP.

This ^ He sounds like an absolute douche

Yes I agree with pp- a person on over 10k a month should be able to pay the bills the self (or there is something wrong)

He should not be asking you for money. He should be giving you money for the children too.

Ensure you are named on the mortgage deeds and utilities.

He should be paying you for all the childcare/wife work that you do.
Do some research & find out how much he would have to pay you if you divorced him.

OP I suggest that you set up a joint account, and set up a direct debit from each of your personal accounts, to both pay the same percentage of your incomes into it (for example he pays 50% of his pay each month and you pay 50% of yours each month).

Then all expenses come out of the joint account.

He needs to recognise rhat you’re a team contributing in different ways and your contribution has economic value too.

Is your name on the mortgage? If not I suggest you go on the Land Registry to register your ‘home rights’ over the property so that it can’t be remortgaged/sold without your knowledge. Any occupant spouse can do this, you don’t need his permission. Why do this? Wellt o be honest your DH doesn’t sound very nice and I want to make sure if you break up he can’t sell the house until you and the kids have somewhere to go.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all your comments. I take on board the comments about relationships not being one-sided etc. However, as with all our stories, there’s so much more to it! He’s had huge debts over the years (£65k) and, in my opinion has a drinking problem too. I am making plans to get out, but just wanted views on whether my not contributing to utilities/mortgage (my name is on the mortgage) would be deemed fair. Thanks again for your support.

So he is on £130k and you are on £17k and he thinks you need to pay more

What an arsehole

He sounds stingy and horrible.

All the money should be in one account and once all your outgoings are paid you share the rest.

Marriage is meant to be about sharing and my money and your money is not sharing