Who pays for what?

[beanypie]

Need some advice! DH was a high earner. His salary steadily increased from about 80k to 130k, which he was earning for the last 4 years or so. I work part-time and earn roughly £17k a year. However I have only earns this much over the last 5 years. I also do all the housework/cooking/childcare etc…. DH pays for the mortgage and utilities etc and I pay for all the non utilities such as clothes/uniform/ pet insurance/dental bills/Christmas and birthday presents/ trips and school expenses etc. DH feels I should contribute more toward the utilities etc. What are people’s thoughts on this?!

We pay both wages in to a joint account, from which all household bills are paid. We also move 'spending money' in to each of our own accounts monthly. So we get the same money to spend on ourselves. DH earns more than me. He suggested this as we work equally hard and why would he want to have more to spend on himself than I have??

@beanypie

I did propose that if I worked more hours he would have to take on household chores etc. He said he wouldn’t do it! 😂

Not funny

What are people’s thoughts on this?!

Well, when I read your OP, I found myself putting my head back and whisper-screaming, "FUUUUUUCCCKK" So that might tell you.

You have a massive massive DH problem. While I agree with all the others that it should be a joint pot, I accept that doesn't work for all families. But it is outrageous you're paying as much as you are - I assume this means he has money for the gym and for lovely trips with his friends while you're stuck at home seeing friends for a cheap pizza no more than once a month?

tell him quietly and calmly that as he wants you to contribute more you will be working more. If he wants to pay you for the household and childcare tasks you do, that's fine. Alternatively, you'll work more and he can do more of the childcare and household tasks or pay someone to do his share.

Be calm. Be firm. And honestly, if he responds badly, consider whether this is a relationship you want to be in because financial abuse is still abuse, even if it's not the physical type we all think of.

You're married it's both your money.

It should all go in one pot and you both have the same amount each for spends

I don’t understand how a married couple just doesn’t share all the money.

In my opinion there should be no “my money , your money” in marriage. It’s all the family money.

What does he mean contribute more to bills? All of that money is the family money and no one should be counting coins between a married couple. Do people who are married not share money?

I’m amazed that men like this are even able to get wives.

I did propose that if I worked more hours he would have to take on household chores etc. He said he wouldn’t do it!
Well then you won't be paying any more into the kitty. Simples. Unless he wants to hire someone to free up your time - but I'm guessing that would be a lot more expensive than having a live-in skivvy.

As you are married with dc I think you should both put your wages into the same pot. Take out the bills, food, kids clubs, childcare EVERY SINGLE BILL AND HOUSEHOLD EXPENSE, plus some into joint savings for unexpected expenses and holidays. Then split the remaining money 50/50 each so you have exactly the same spending money.

I doubt if you are paying for all that that you have any possibility of saving any money?? You don't mention food, I sincerely hope he pays for that!
He is disgraceful expecting you to pay towards utilities.
We have a similar set up although I earn roughly double what you do, and my DH pays mortgage, all bills, car insurances and some food. I pay for most of food, pet food and insurance, kids activities and clothes etc and that takes up almost all my salary it seems.

I actually think you're already paying for too much, proportionately.

Do you have joint savings?

You say you've only earned this much over the last 5 years. Why? Did you earn more? Less? SAHM?

He can matter-of-factly state he's not doing any housework so you can do the same about paying more.

Wow.

What a prick he is.

You might want to read about financial abuse.

Married with kids means you share everything including finances.

Can't believe people do anything else !
Otherwise what's the point in being married?

My OH earns significantly more than I do but that's because I supported his career and put mine on the back burner for our family. He wouldn't be earning what he does if it wasn't for me. I see it as our wages. We've already discussed pension sharing and what would happen if we split (we won't) so we're clear how we both stand financially.

And fuck proportional contribution, that would mean he had £££ more spending money than me. Total power imbalance in a relationship and not healthy.

We don't equate earnings with worth, we appreciate eachother. Frankly he got lucky and does a job he loves which pays well. Doesn't mean he's any more worthy or important than a road sweeper FFS.

We put all of ours into one pot. We don't pay for anything individually.

He's being an absolute arsehole.

The first thing that struck me was that you already fund a big chunk of household costs:

I pay for all the non utilities such as clothes/uniform/ pet insurance/dental bills/Christmas and birthday presents/ trips and school expenses etc

Those ought to be collated with the other house/utility costs/groceries/holidays etc. There are then two ways of dealing with it. Either you then pay proportionately in line with income and keep what is left for your own personal saving/spending. Or you both pool ALL of your money, pay all household/family costs from that and either split or at least have joint free access to what is left as disposable.

I expect if he paid a proportionate share of everything (88.5% though I appreciate that will need some adjustment for higher rate tax but roughly) he would actually be paying more than he is at the moment.

The disposable income is also a huge issue though. Let me guess, he doesn't share his with you, at least not freely? And your "disposable" income from your £17k salary also ends up being spent on treats for kids and not just you? There are two problems with that. Firstly, his standard of living is much higher than that of his own wife. Secondly, he gets a huge benefit from your non-income generating contributions: primary parenting for your joint children, nice meals cooked, housework and chores done. I'm guessing the mental load and care of the pets falls to you too. He has even told you he "won't" do that stuff as he doesn't want to! The quid pro quo ought to be that in return he shares his disposable income, rather than has a go at your for not paying a bigger share of the bills.

I am not someone hugely in favour of joint accounts. (We have one for household stuff but keep our own disposable income separate but we both work FT and there is much less disparity between our incomes.) But where there is a huge discrepancy and one partner is making a huge non-income contribution by agreement, the total income really ought to be more fairly shared.

Would you be better off if you divorced his arse? You'd probably get over 50% of the assets and he'd have to pay you over £20k a year in child maintenance. This isn't a "LTB", I am just saying it is a point you could make (if it is a good one haha) to show it is him being unreasonable, not you.

Working in any £130k job is massively stressful - depending what he does it can take a huge amount out of anyone both mentally and physically (as is running a house which I do appreciate).

He may not want to earn so much and cut his salary (and stress) and do more in the house but that would mean you making up the difference I guess.

You’d be better off speaking to a divorce lawyer! He’d probably have to contribute more if you split up.

You are married and have children. Why doesn't all the money go into one pot?

My dh is a high earner and my sole contribution is PIP as I'm too disabled to work but he earns too much for any other claims - we don't need them.

All our money goes into one pot and everything is paid out of that. On average my pip pays for our cleaners and taxis if I need to go anywhere, so everything else is paid by him. But he doesn't see it that way, we're married, a team, and all money is our money. I do most non-cleaning household stuff including shopping and cooking. When they were at school I did all child admin but the youngest is 17 now so they're at a stage that they manage themselves.

To be honest your husband sounds like a dick. To earn that much and be looking to ge5 you to pay more is just selfish.

I would assume that on 17K a year, your spending on the dc amounts to a higher percentage of your monthly take-home pay than his covering all the household bills does. You earn about 13% ish of his income. You should pay 13% of the total joint expenses (and he pays 77%). Best way to do that is you both pay the correct proportion into a joint account and then pay all household/child/pet/etc. expenses out of that.

He is a financially abusive arse. Go full time and divorce the cunt.

Look him straight in the eye and ask him what a full time nanny and housekeeper would cost him.
Point out you earn, what, a sixth of his income?
Remind him you can go back to full time work but he will have more bills to pay for childcare.
He is an absolute knob.

He doesn't seem to understand what marriage is. He shouldn't have married you if he didn't agree that you now share everything equally. There is no problem with having everything as "his" and "yours" in a relationship. But he has made a legally binding contract that if "he" brings in 130 K and "you" bring in 17 K, then you both have 147 K to share between you equally, and if he didn't agree with the structure of marriage then he shouldn't have entered into one.

Imagine earning over 9k a month and asking your partner to pay more, you are not with a real partner, I earn less than 2k and I would not push my partner to pay any more than she is able.
Disgusting.

It should all be one pot and is spent on whatever is needed. Big purchases have discussions. I know this is a deeply unfashionable view on MN but I don't understand people who can have children together but won't share their finances.

You can't look purely at the finances without knowing the broader situation.

What's his view on your career? Does he like his job? Is it stressful/hard etc?

Male suicide and depression is often caused by the pressures of needing to support s family financially. These pressures are greater than they ever were so nunoign to conclusions is somewhat short sighted.

Jumping to*