Esther Perel and her take on men

[Tenloaves]

Her take on men as I understand it that is ... .

I don't know how to phrase this post without bringing the wrath of Mumsnet down on my head but hoping it's possible to have a measured discussion.

I have been listening to Esther Perel's relationship podcasts of late and she seems quite sympathetic to the position of men; even men who have been unfaithful or behaved badly in other ways.

Happy to be corrected but her position seems to be that being male, and living and working alongside other males, inevitably involves a lot of competition, potential aggression, even ridicule, from other males, a lot of pressure to "succeed", to provide, solve problems, having been socialised to keep doubts, fears and worries to themselves.

EP is a highly intelligent, skilled, multi-lingual, well travelled, experienced therapist so I am wondering if she is right and we (females) should be more sympathetic to the position of men?

The high suicide rates of young males seem to support her position.

To be clear, I am not saying she is right for sure, I believe that women still very much come off second best in a world still largely designed for males, and I am personally struggling with a DH who is all about "doing" rather than communicating, which lead me to listen to her podcasts in the first place. I suppose, put simply, what I am asking overall is, are we too critical of men?

This is the episode I meant.
I couldn't listen until the end but I didn't think EP was at all challenging of the males behaviour
player.fm/series/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/s2-ep-7-ive-had-100-conversations-with-you-in-my-head

It’s difficult to judge a person by one but they said. With E.Perel you have so much that she has written or spoken about. And most of it is about relationships - how people maintain them and how different couples deal with infidelity. It’s based on years of experience.
And yes - her first instinct is to try to understand driving forces behind people’s actions. Understanding something is different from justifying it.

@NiceGerbil

Men do cry. Male role models cry.

Footballers are forever cuddling each other / crying if things go bad. The fans as well. Men cry on soaps. Men cry in the pub when telling you something personal. Men cry when their babies are born, they lose a loved one. Talking on telly about addiction abuse.

Yes I know in general that boys get various messages and they are strong. It's not true that it's not seen, and even role models do it.

I've seen Arnie cry in films he's fairly butch surely?

The difference is that whatever has happened in the film (and I hope you aren't talking about the one where he is pregnant and being a 'comedic' overemotional woman for laughs), Arnie then redeems himself by shooting the bad guy by the end of the film.

I think she is correct that men are victims of toxic masculinity. I also think presenting a theory that helps to identify why men behave as they do is potentially useful, as it can be a step towards change. However, if she is soliciting sympathy from women for this, rather than presenting it to men to encourage their reflection and change, its misplaced.

And the footballers rugby etc?