Avoidant men

[cocochanel99]

I have ended another relationship with an avoidant man. It is just one after the other. I meet most of these men online but some in real life. I do not think I am attracting them - perhaps I give them too much of my time yes. I am looking for my life partner to settle down with. My girlfriends are in the same position. We are all mid to late 30s. It is one peter pan man after the next. I have no idea how most women end up married, based on our experiences. I cannot face dating again. How can I meet mature, settled men who are ready for a meaningful relationship? Any thoughts/advice/support?

Which dating site?

As a man, I'll say this. Women will say this and that about men and men will say this and that about women.

Obviously there are good and bad in both species.

Maybe give online dating a miss, naybe try to understand the men you are choosing. Do you sleep with them?

Try not sleeping with them, wait months, good men will wait. After having one night stands all the time I wanted to try something different and not sleep with a women straight away. Try that, you'll weed out the week.

Weak

I think there are lots of men on the internet looking for casual arrangements, from what friends and acquaintances tell me of that dating scene. I found my boyfriend when I wasn't looking, and in the middle of lockdown. It wasn't online. I am no dating guru, but I still think there is something in that old saying about love coming along when you are not looking. I would stop holding the 'Happy ever after' objective up and chasing it. If the mumsnet board tells us anything, it is a work of fiction for many, and many live terrible lives in that work of fiction. Half the population are single and many are happier for it. I would never, ever live with a man again. However, I do entertain boyfriends for weekends away. So many single parents juggling so much, so many unhappily married people, so many divorce battles, so much cheating. It is best to sit at the sidelines and weed out the worst of the bunch, and save yourself for the best. It took me until 50 to find someone I could tolerate, have fun with and have the confidence to tell him I will never marry him (he recently proposed). Don't rush in to any old relationship...remember that old saying, marry in haste, repent at leisure!

So I have recently broken up with my very own Peter Pan man over lack of commitment. I was talking to a girlfriend about men and how they can fear commitment and her words were 'men copy their friends' (when it comes to settling down and getting engaged).

And I think she's right. Men tend to 'jump on the bandwagon' so to speak when they see their friends around them choosing to settle and when one proposes to their girlfriend, they all shortly follow suit.

My Peter Pan man ex is in his early 40s. Although at the time it didn't really ring any alarm bells, but most of his friends are single. Most of them have never married and seem likely never to. I'm starting to think that this avoidance thing is almost like a 'pack mentality'.

Have any of the guys you've dated had friendship groups like this? Or are their friends mostly in relationships?

I think where you live can also impact whether someone is ready to settle – I have lived in London and now in another European capital city and men tend to be quite 'free spirited' so to say.

I have to say though, that I think the fact that you don't put up with that sort of behaviour is refreshing. I think there are plenty of women putting up with men like this out of fear of being alone...

I don't have any advice on where to find the decent men, but I have hope they're definitely out there – for all of us!

@scoobydoo1971

I think there are lots of men on the internet looking for casual arrangements, from what friends and acquaintances tell me of that dating scene. I found my boyfriend when I wasn't looking, and in the middle of lockdown. It wasn't online. I am no dating guru, but I still think there is something in that old saying about love coming along when you are not looking. I would stop holding the 'Happy ever after' objective up and chasing it. If the mumsnet board tells us anything, it is a work of fiction for many, and many live terrible lives in that work of fiction. Half the population are single and many are happier for it. I would never, ever live with a man again. However, I do entertain boyfriends for weekends away. So many single parents juggling so much, so many unhappily married people, so many divorce battles, so much cheating. It is best to sit at the sidelines and weed out the worst of the bunch, and save yourself for the best. It took me until 50 to find someone I could tolerate, have fun with and have the confidence to tell him I will never marry him (he recently proposed). Don't rush in to any old relationship...remember that old saying, marry in haste, repent at leisure!

👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

1MillionDollars These are men who claim they are looking for a life partner or long term relationship. I always date for at least a couple months before doing the deed. But eventually, sooner or later, they reveal themselves to be avoidant. Then I dump. It can take months. Often a year. Sometimes two years. I just don't know how to spot them quickly, as many will say they are looking for marriage etc but they are clearly not!

curiouscat123 Interesting, yes the latest one had a group of friends, all are single or dating, none married, except for one who is divorced. Hope you are ok after your break up. I am feeling strong, but I know it can take a few weeks for it to really hit, so I am preparing myself. Like you, I live in London, but have lived on mainland Europe too. I don't know of many married people my age, even though mid to late 30s.

TBH, I think you might struggle, don’t want to sound flippant, but most men who want to settle, have a family etc do it in their late 20s early 30s, those who don’t want to settle just don’t.
Your other option might be divorced men (but a lot of those might well be older than you, 40 +), but those men may well have emotional baggage and actually be quite wary of getting involved with any one, especially if they feel like their divorce was unhappy

I think just stop looking. Focus on just you and being happy. You don't need a man or woman for that. It's possible that women worry about the old biological clock, if you didn't have that pressure there is nothing stopping you as a previous poster mentioned from meeting someone at 50.

Why are you in a rush so to speak?

@cocochanel99

curiouscat123 Interesting, yes the latest one had a group of friends, all are single or dating, none married, except for one who is divorced. Hope you are ok after your break up. I am feeling strong, but I know it can take a few weeks for it to really hit, so I am preparing myself. Like you, I live in London, but have lived on mainland Europe too. I don't know of many married people my age, even though mid to late 30s.

One other thing I noticed you mention marriage, I can’t think of a particular reason any man over 35 would want to get married these days

See attachment theory, where you get this “avoidant” label, is just a theory at best and irrelevant psychobabble at worst.

My suggestion is to not try to psychoanalyze people that for whatever reason are not into you. Learn to spot the signs of incompatibility more quickly and move on. Don’t become exclusive after a handful of dates. There are good men out there. And good women.

AnaViaSalamanca but they are avoidant. even the ones I dated in my 20s haven’t been able to maintain a long term relationship or marriage.

1MillionDollars I want a family

@cocochanel99

I think what you might need to do is work out why you seem to be choosing avoidant men. Are they avoidant or are you choosing them.

Not all men are avoidant, how comes you are meeting them all?

Having a family puts subconscious pressure on yourself to find a man. Maybe step back a little from looking.

I'll quote Zero Effect.

When you loose your keys. You go looking for your keys, out of all the things in the world you are looking for one thing. Instead of looking for that one thing, you should look for everything.....

I honestly don't think that online dating is the way to go. You only have to look at some of the threads (horror stories) on here about it. Do you go out for hobbies, interests etc?

1MillionDollars I honestly don’t know they are avoidant until dating for months and years. They all say they want marriage etc but when it comes to actual progression, they step away. I’m attractive, stable, fun and have a good social life. I am laid back, I don’t pressure etc. My girlfriends are in the same situation so it’s not just me. It’s not like we all go for one particular type of man either. We are professionals in London.

shakingmytambourineatyou yes online dating is terrible
I do have hobbies although have taken a back seat due to covid

@cocochanel99

I did online dating a little bit 12 years ago. I think it was different then but I found it bloody AWFUL.

Maybe it's as another poster said snd how I used to think and you hear people saying.....

You get to a certain age and all that are left are the dregs.

Online isn't working, try something else. Hobbies/groups, pubs etc The old fashion way

Hi OP, first off: the biological clock is a myth. There’s no data to support a drop off in fertility at 30.

You are so right to be choosy and it’s interesting what you say about men/pack mentality with being single. I think the married ones in their group spend less time with them so they end up gathering more singles but that’s a good one to watch out for.
As for you being attracted to avoidant men. I know for me this mimics the intermittent attention my parents gave me, and something draws me to this type of bond. It’s great you can spot this early on and drop.

I don’t have any words of wisdom other than to enjoy each day, plan things, travel whatever makes you happy and focus on being the partner you’d like to meet. I think you’ll attract your match that way.

I have never dated an avoidant man.

I never ever thought I would marry or have dc because it seemed a bit of a hassle and interfering of my life’s plan which was all about my career.

Are you possibly too nice and accommodating ? I am by my own admission a bit difficult and selfish. Never tried to please men especially. Nothing was a specific plan I just didn’t change how I was for anyone.

Why do you think your fun, what do you like doing?

@LucentBlade

I have never dated an avoidant man.

I never ever thought I would marry or have dc because it seemed a bit of a hassle and interfering of my life’s plan which was all about my career.

Are you possibly too nice and accommodating ? I am by my own admission a bit difficult and selfish. Never tried to please men especially. Nothing was a specific plan I just didn’t change how I was for anyone.

Why do you think your fun, what do you like doing?

. . . That's a good policy.

Well, OP, you sound fabulous - but what is an avoidant man? They are avoiding you? What does that mean?

Sorry to state the obvious but it's not coincidental that you're meeting so many avoidant men...the ones who are still single in their late thirties are very likely to be avoidant! The others have all settled down by now. Of course it's not all of them - some will be out of relationships that broke down for whatever reason, or widowed, or made a long distance move for work or something, but there is a high, high chance that an eligible seeming, attractive man in his late thirties is avoidant if he isn't already partnered.

My advice is non-Brits. DP is from an EU country and imho guys from other cultures have been far less neurotic about commitment than most British guys.

@Berkeys

My advice is non-Brits. DP is from an EU country and imho guys from other cultures have been far less neurotic about commitment than most British guys.

Which country? I noticed the same when I lived on the continent - Portugal. Men seemed very happy to be 'official' very early on and call me their girlfriend. Quite a contrast to here!