Avoidant men

[cocochanel99]

I have ended another relationship with an avoidant man. It is just one after the other. I meet most of these men online but some in real life. I do not think I am attracting them - perhaps I give them too much of my time yes. I am looking for my life partner to settle down with. My girlfriends are in the same position. We are all mid to late 30s. It is one peter pan man after the next. I have no idea how most women end up married, based on our experiences. I cannot face dating again. How can I meet mature, settled men who are ready for a meaningful relationship? Any thoughts/advice/support?

@CecilieRose

I suppose when it comes down to it, it depends whether you want to spend your time out enjoying your life (and meeting potential partners/friends), or trawling through dating apps/dates to find someone who doesn't choose to spend their time trawling through dating apps/dates.

A lot of people who would have been out and about 20 years ago trying to meet someone are now sitting at home in their bedrooms, swiping on apps

You're right. A lot, but not all. Personally I prefer people who don't spend large chunks of their time sitting at home swiping through apps, but it's all about preference. Whatever floats your boat, as they say!

@TheFoundations I agree with you. I actually saw it as a red flag when I was on apps and men would respond immediately and write paragraphs. Didn't they have anything better to do? Even more of a red flag if they got aggro with me for taking a while to reply - controlling and not understanding I have a busy life.

The way I see it, apps just aren't fun. They're bad for mental health and they encourage sitting at home scrolling. I'd rather be out and about enjoying my life, doing things and meeting people.

@CecilieRose - if I know now what I knew about dating sites and apps I wouldn't have tried them - or wouldn't have tried them for as long as I did.

But sadly when you get to a certain age, unless you go to a certain hobby or something if you go out to pubs etc - sometimes you'll meet someone, sometimes you won't. And yes, lots of people stick in their own groups. I have met men on nights out with friends but then again I also haven't done too. I also recall meeting men on nights out in a bar - but half the time - they know what you want if you're a woman of a certain age - and either they're interested in the same thing or they're not. Sometimes I've met decent enough men when but got slightly panicky because you never know if you're meeting men with issues/avoidant men etc.

Doesn't help that I'm slightly fussy but that's another thing!

@Gonnagetgoing what have you learned that would put you off using apps if you could go back and change the past? Just out of interest.

I think this is a pretty basic thing and not just for women. Some of my SiLs friends have decided its all too much trouble. They wanted family, home etc same as other but found dating a problem, just not meeting the right girls. Tried OLD and had strict criteria 'breathing and not someone I'd be embarrassed to introduce to friends and family'. A couple of them have settled for dogs.

In days of old we met people at work or clubs, these days not so much.

@Berkeys

My advice is non-Brits. DP is from an EU country and imho guys from other cultures have been far less neurotic about commitment than most British guys.

I have to say that I've been thinking this. British men are just absolutely hopeless I've given up with them.

Can someone define 'avoidant men' to me or provide links please so I can see if this is what's going on with a guy I've recently met

@Tisahardlife

Can someone define 'avoidant men' to me or provide links please so I can see if this is what's going on with a guy I've recently met

I wouldn't take this as gospel -- it's just a pop psychology version of John Bowlby's theory, like the wide prevalence of 'narcissists' on here, when what is meant is 'someone who behaves in ways I don't like'.

The theory is that there are different 'attachment styles' based on how you related to your parents/carers in early childhood -- avoidant, anxious, disorganised and secure. Google will get you a lot of Marie Claire-style articles.

@CecilieRose - what have I learned that would put me off apps/sites?

Basically its a numbers/faces game and quite shallow - which is great but it requires a lot of effort, knockbacks etc. Some men are mostly interested in woman for e.g. sex so you get the dick pics etc - and also most of the apps/sites are exactly the same, quite cold and formulaic and moneymaking and you get a lot of men and women on the same apps/sites. I know that I myself and other friends (most who are more shy) have found that apps/sites can make it easier to message people online rather than go out and meet people - so it can make you more shy.

I recall speaking to a man (just friends) I met when out and he said he didn't like apps as it felt so cold and almost meat market, he said contrary to what lots of men want he said if he wanted to find someone to settle down with he said with apps and going to bars he said he found it hard enough, especially if some women had long lists of what they wanted - e.g. gym bodies etc. someone else I know who's ex army said that again, lots of women were interested in him from that side and his gym body and less for his personality.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky - not always true re non Brits - good friend of mine who's French has had Spanish boyfriends and though some want to commit some don't want to commit either.

@Tisahardlife

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/attachment-theory-and-the-4-attachment-styles#:~:text=There%20are%20four%20main%20adult,%2Davoidant%20(aka%20disorganized).

@CecilieRose In the one post, in response to short men, you say people can’t help who they’re attracted to however in another you say people should pay attention to deeper qualities and it’s wrong and shallow not to? I think that’s where people are experiencing dissonance in your comments?

@TossaCointoYerWitcher age is not the same at all. I'm 36. I don't look it at all. The same men who would dismiss me for being too old on an app would have no problem approaching at a bar. That's why it's stupid. It's not having one physical thing you're really not into. It's dating much younger just because you can. And as stated, that's not a physical thing.

[quote Gonnagetgoing]@Shehasadiamondinthesky - not always true re non Brits - good friend of mine who's French has had Spanish boyfriends and though some want to commit some don't want to commit either.[/quote]
To be fair I'm a pretty avoidant woman, if a boyfriend was trying to get me to marry him I'd run a mile but then I think I'd have the decency to say sorry that isn't happening rather than leading him on.
I lived in Germany for quite some time and I found German men to be a lot more family minded.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky - I’ve known a few German guys too, one settled down later in life and one was nice enough but a bit serious.
I met a few French guys as my parents have a holiday home there, some of those are nice too and are family minded but the last one I met (neighbour) lived in the country and was a wood cutter and I really couldn’t see myself settling down with him - I’m a city girl too!