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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t want to be with him…

59 replies

Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:18

Will try keep this short. But the issue I’m having has been long running. I met my partner a few years back, we lived separately. I was with my teenage daughter, he was on his own. We moved in together 2 years ago (after about two years of the relationship) into a lovely house and everything seemed great initially. I love my house, my daughters boyfriend now lives with us and we have extra room for me to have my own office. I work from home 12 hour shifts daily, but wen I’m not working I’m desperately miserable. If I leave the house on my day off I’m presented by days of questioning and sulking from him. So I’ve resorted to just staying in. I’ve put on a little weight, not anything drastic and would love to go out the house on my days off to exercise but I can’t stand the fall out afterwards. My daughter and her boyfriend work hard, on their days off they often stay up late watching movies/playing video games etc as it’s their time off. They do not make excessive noise, they never wake me. But every morning I’m greeted with angry outbursts from him about how they are out of control and need to be stopped. It’s draining the life out of me, he’s ruining any chance of happiness I could ever have now he’s trying to do it with them. I don’t want to spend time with him, I don’t want to go anywhere with him, the minute I finish work I want to go to my bed and read and be on my own. I’m on a day off today and I’m utterly miserable, I am unwell at the moment have some kind of sickness bug, was up through the night throwing up, he didn’t show any concern this morning, didn’t ask how I was just complained about the noise during the nite. I’ve asked him to leave twice this year resulting in him giving me my character packing his bags, guilt tripping me and not leaving. He claims to have no where to go. He has several family members in the same area, where as I have no one. My parents are both dead, this is my home, my daughters home. I pay for everything, he does work and contributes a little. I don’t want to leave. I just want him to be gone and to rest and dare I say it be able to leave the house without any repercussions. Please help

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 03/11/2021 13:21

Is your house rented or owned? And in who's name? Have you told him the relationship is over?

Chewieboora · 03/11/2021 13:22

Tell him to go. If he doesn't, phone the police. Have you got a friend who can be with you?

MangoBiscuit · 03/11/2021 13:23

Sorry OP, that was quite an abrupt post. It sounds like a shitty situation to be in, and I definitely think you need to change it, either get out, or get him to leave.

IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 13:25

He claims to have no where to go.

This is going to sound hard, but that’s not your problem. He’s a fully grown adult more than capable of finding somewhere to stay even temporarily while he finds a more permanent base. The whole environment sounds horrible - is the house your own, would he have any claim on it!

Original poster
Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:27

@MangoBiscuit

Is your house rented or owned? And in who's name? Have you told him the relationship is over?
The house is rented. Everything is in my name. I have told him twice this year, but I always cave and let him stay. But I just don’t want it anymore. He’s making me so so unhappy
OP posts:
Original poster
Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:28

@Chewieboora

Tell him to go. If he doesn't, phone the police. Have you got a friend who can be with you?
He’s made sure that I have no one left, my friends started pulling away as I’ve changed, constantly cancelling plans. I wouldn’t want to be around me either
OP posts:
Original poster
Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:29

@IknowwhatIneed

He claims to have no where to go.

This is going to sound hard, but that’s not your problem. He’s a fully grown adult more than capable of finding somewhere to stay even temporarily while he finds a more permanent base. The whole environment sounds horrible - is the house your own, would he have any claim on it!

The house is rented, he would have no claims on anything. He doesn’t have his name anywhere here, only doctors etc. He has brothers, sisters, his elderly dads. He just claims to have no where. Last time I asked him to leave, I was even looking at other properties for him.
OP posts:
Chewieboora · 03/11/2021 13:29

I would reach out to a few friends and explain. I did and they understood Flowers It is so hard but your friends will probably be really relieved you are getting away from him.

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2021 13:30

Tell him its over and he has to leave. Do not engage. Do not back down. Tell him if he's not gone by x time you'll have the police remove him. Then follow through if he still refuses but hopefully it won't come to that.

Chewieboora · 03/11/2021 13:30

Think you will need to get the police involved. It will be awful but only for a short time, then after you can have peace in and out of your own home.

Billybagpuss · 03/11/2021 13:34

You will be far happier with him gone, what did you mean by ‘giving me your character’ I assume it’s a typo and he attacks your character until you’re the one apologising?

Everything is in your name you are quite within your rights to throw him out. If you do it today, it’s not raining and he can’t accuse you of malicious damage when you put his stuff on the doorstep.

Good luck, you can do this 💐

Original poster
Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:34

@Chewieboora

I would reach out to a few friends and explain. I did and they understood Flowers It is so hard but your friends will probably be really relieved you are getting away from him.
Thanks chewieboora, I feel like I’m being so harsh. I’m only 34 he’s in his early 50s. I feel like I didn’t know him before we lived together, he smokes weed everyday, won’t eat or sleep unless he has it. Can be very short with me, I don’t even engage anymore. The only time I’m happy is wen I’m working and I don’t need to fake conversation with him. This morning was the final nail in the coffin, he was roaring like a loonatic about the noise (me being sick all night) and all I could say was u need to control ur breathing… I’m so done
OP posts:
akissbeforebed · 03/11/2021 13:35

He’s made sure that I have no one left, my friends started pulling away as I’ve changed, constantly cancelling plans. I wouldn’t want to be around me either

Don't give up on your friends yet, they may be just waiting in the wings for you to come back to them.

Billybagpuss · 03/11/2021 13:35

And I will second @Chewieboora reach out to your friends and apologise and explain, I bet they’ll support you.

IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 13:36

Your friends will see him for what he is - that’s why he’s isolated you. Get in touch, explain what’s happening and ask for their support. If they are any kind of friends they’ll be delighted you’re losing such an unpleasant man and will have your back.

Otherwise it’s the police, he really has no right to stay there when you’ve told him to leave.

KissedintheDark · 03/11/2021 13:36

Tell him he has to leave and give him one day to arrange it.
Then when he inevitably ignores the deadline lock him out
of the house the next time he goes out and put his stuff outside
in bags.

Leave a key slightly turned in the locks so he can't get back in.
Then go grey rock - no replying to him on any media/phone/email etc.
Do not acknowledge him at all no matter what.

You can do this, OP. You're a strong woman with her own home and a full time job - take back what is yours.

ftw163532 · 03/11/2021 13:36

Have you been able to contact Women's Aid for support? What you're describing is classic domestic abuse.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 03/11/2021 13:37

Jesus. Change the locks when he's out and don't let him back in. He's awful.

Then do the Freedom Programme so you can set better boundaries for yourself in relationships in the future.

And I hope you feel better soon!

I bet your friends will all come back if you contact them and explain what's been happening. I bet they'll be delighted that you've got shot of your 'partner'.

Original poster
Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:37

@Billybagpuss

You will be far happier with him gone, what did you mean by ‘giving me your character’ I assume it’s a typo and he attacks your character until you’re the one apologising?

Everything is in your name you are quite within your rights to throw him out. If you do it today, it’s not raining and he can’t accuse you of malicious damage when you put his stuff on the doorstep.

Good luck, you can do this 💐

Sorry giving me my character is a Glasgow phrase, he basically calls me every name under the sun, says he should have listened to everyone and never went near me. Trying to drag my character through the mud. I have had a hard life, my gran was murdered, my mum and dad were addicts and both died wen I was young. I’ve worked hard, I’m a manager for the NHS, put myself through university, brought my daughter up on my own. I’m teetotal. I’m not a bad person, but he likes to paint me as a girl who’s been around the block wen it suits him
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2021 13:39

Time to hitch up your big girl pants and kick the twat out. Ignore his ramblings and excuses. It's your house, he leaves.

Billybagpuss · 03/11/2021 13:40

I also think you need to ask him to leave immediately, I don’t think giving notice will work as he will keep trying to manipulate you to stay.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2021 13:41

You don't ask him to leave , you tell him, and if he kicks off you immediately call the police.

Original poster
Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:41

@whitehorsesdonotlie

Jesus. Change the locks when he's out and don't let him back in. He's awful.

Then do the Freedom Programme so you can set better boundaries for yourself in relationships in the future.

And I hope you feel better soon!

I bet your friends will all come back if you contact them and explain what's been happening. I bet they'll be delighted that you've got shot of your 'partner'.

The ironic thing is he doesn’t have a key to the house. As I’m basically under house arrest he knows the door will never be locked as I’ve been conditioned not to leave
OP posts:
balzamico · 03/11/2021 13:41

You are clearly amazing and a strong person to have achieved so much.
Tell him to leave and don't back down this time. You have your dd and her partner there for support. Set a deadline, email it so you have a record then either change locks or call police.
Where he goes is not your problem.

Original poster
Bush321 · 03/11/2021 13:42

@ftw163532

Have you been able to contact Women's Aid for support? What you're describing is classic domestic abuse.
No I haven’t, I thought I was just being dramatic. Didn’t think this was domestic abuse. There’s more people in greater need than I am
OP posts: