Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Boyfriend of 4 months is, I think deliberately causing me to be insecure.

62 replies

nolovelost · 03/11/2021 08:09

So he is very lovely with me, compliments me a lot, is very thoughtful and caring and supportive when needs be.

I feel like he deliberately mentions women a lot, like in general, because it doesn't feel natural. He really emphasises on it. When he's been out and about and talking to women he knows. It feels like he's looking for a reaction and not just a casual thing to mention, because it is a LOT! He'll say a woman is attractive on TV but it's all the time!

We've had a few minor issues before which we've spoken about, to which he's said that he's glad I've brought them up and that he'll make a conscious effort to improve, so he is approachable etc.

I get that most men appreciate other women and even comment from time to time but it just seems over the top.

I need help with whether I should do anything about it. It's quite off putting.

Thanks.

OP posts:

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 08:29

Difficult one. Are you being overly sensitive or is he being insensitive.

If it upsets you then he should stop. It's not hard for him to keep his mouth shut. He's not sitting there with a bunch of teenage mates.

If he does it again tell him nicely that you would prefer that he didn't do at all. He can think it.

If he tries to minimise your feelings, tell you you're being silly, keep your boundaries and insist that he stops.

I hope though, that this isn't just item 1 on the list of things you want him to stop doing, otherwise that list will grow and it becomes controlling on your part.

In this instance though he can and should stop if you're uncomfortable with it.

Keeps doing it. Then dump.

Lampan · 03/11/2021 08:31

Why would you put up with someone who is nasty enough to deliberately make you feel insecure? If you think he’s doing it on purpose he’s clearly not very nice. You are worth more than someone like this.

Triffid1 · 03/11/2021 09:23

It doesn't actually matter whether it's deliberate or not. He does something that you don't like and you are only four months into the relationship. So it's time to accept this isn't going somewhere because you have a different view on what is and is not appropriate.

muldersspeedos · 03/11/2021 09:27

Sod that. Yes, he's doing it to make you insecure. Get rid.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:32

Us men can be immature dicks sometimes and insensitive.

You should judge a person by their actions. If he does something, you ask him to stop and doesn't. Red flag. But sometime men (and women) need it spelt out.

Younger people also play games.

As I mentioned before though. If you are constantly asking him to stop this, don't do that. That would become tiresome and I personally would think you are just trying to change and control me.

In this instance though, not a problem asking him to respect your feelings.

pleaseleaveme · 03/11/2021 09:41

My now partner of 2 years was like this when we started going out. He lived on his own for years and literally spent his time commenting on people on tv. It was weird. He was just in his own too much I think!
Anyway I got sick of it and told him that he was shallow and needed to get a life. It undermined me I felt .
He was mortified and that did the trick.
Now if he passes an odd comment, I kick right back and comment on a male tv actor and pile it on eg wow he is utterly divine , imagine waking up to him every morning .... It shuts him right up.
Maybe it's habit op. Only you'll know that as time goes on.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:49

@pleaseleaveme

My now partner of 2 years was like this when we started going out. He lived on his own for years and literally spent his time commenting on people on tv. It was weird. He was just in his own too much I think! Anyway I got sick of it and told him that he was shallow and needed to get a life. It undermined me I felt . He was mortified and that did the trick. Now if he passes an odd comment, I kick right back and comment on a male tv actor and pile it on eg wow he is utterly divine , imagine waking up to him every morning .... It shuts him right up. Maybe it's habit op. Only you'll know that as time goes on.

. . . My ex used to do it (woman) but when I did it she got annoyed. I felt like she was doing it to get a reaction too. I didn't mind but when it becomes all the time it's just annoying

pleaseleaveme · 03/11/2021 09:53

I didn't feel like he was doing it to get a reaction but he was being disrespectful I felt so I knocked that on the head .
He wasn't even aware of what a dick he was being !

WingsOfGahan · 03/11/2021 10:01

Some people are like this and some are not, and it will bother some people more than others. I was with a bloke who commented like this constantly. My husband does not comment like this; the commenty one got dumped, not married.
I'm not sure you can change him, nor should you try, really, but you are fully entitled to not like this.

Colourmeclear · 03/11/2021 10:03

Talk to him about it. If he does it more he's an ass, if he does it the same amount and says "oh sorryyy, I'm not allowed to say things like this" he's an ass. If he listens to your dislike of it and genuinely tries to respect your point of view than you're good to go.

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 10:05

If someone makes you feel insecure 4 months in stop wasting your time

BrilliantBetty · 03/11/2021 10:11

He'll say a woman is attractive on TV but it's all the time!

How annoying. I'd say really bluntly 'it is quite odd how you constantly want to tell me how attractive women are. Do you think it's necessary? It gets a bit boring and I'm starting to wonder if you're trying to make a point about something'

Babdoc · 03/11/2021 10:14

I think a lot depends on motivation. If he is deliberately undermining your confidence by slavering over other women, he needs dumped.
But DH and I were equally comfortable to do this. I had a massive crush on Mr Spock from Star Trek - it didn’t bother DH at all, he even got me the video of the episode where Spock has his shirt off, as a joke birthday present. And I didn’t mind DH ogling Ming’s daughter in Flash Gordon! We both knew it was harmless, and we adored and fancied each other to bits, right up to DH’s untimely death.
Only you can judge your partner’s motivation, OP - we haven’t met him. But it sounds as though your gut feeling is warning you it isn’t just innocent.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 10:24

@Babdoc

I think a lot depends on motivation. If he is deliberately undermining your confidence by slavering over other women, he needs dumped. But DH and I were equally comfortable to do this. I had a massive crush on Mr Spock from Star Trek - it didn’t bother DH at all, he even got me the video of the episode where Spock has his shirt off, as a joke birthday present. And I didn’t mind DH ogling Ming’s daughter in Flash Gordon! We both knew it was harmless, and we adored and fancied each other to bits, right up to DH’s untimely death. Only you can judge your partner’s motivation, OP - we haven’t met him. But it sounds as though your gut feeling is warning you it isn’t just innocent.

. . . Ooooh Ming's daughter. Loved the eye makeup. Drooooool.

Not so hot on Spock though ya weirdo 😂

CookPassBabtridge · 03/11/2021 10:24

Weirdly a lot of them do it because they themselves are insecure/low self esteem and are testing your reaction. They need an ego boost and to see you get jealous so they feel wanted. It's totally backwards because it actually pushes most people away. It might work on really needy people.

JudgementalCactus · 03/11/2021 10:24

Hmmm... this could go either way. Can you give us specific examples of the type of comments he's made? And how often do they happen? Once a week I could understand, but mentioning other women daily would be a no-no.

gannett · 03/11/2021 10:32

OP says she'd be fine with the occasional comment but this is fairly constant so I don't think she's overreacting.

I wouldn't waste time second-guessing whether he's doing it deliberately or just filling space with bad chat. I wouldn't tell him that it's making me feel insecure either. I'd tell him he's being BORING and his chat is DULL because he keeps going on about how attractive people on TV are all the time. And that he needs to cut that out and raise his conversational game.

If he's doing it deliberately he'll probably push back in which case it's time for you to end this one. If he's just being thoughtless he'll hopefully get the hint and be less boring.

beastlyslumber · 03/11/2021 10:35

If you're feeling insecure four months in then I'd say throw this one back. At four months it should be exciting and feel like he's only got eyes for you. Obviously you'll both notice other attractive people but do you bring it up every time you see someone you vaguely fancy? I doubt it.

Just not worth it, OP.

BobLemon · 03/11/2021 10:44

Ugh. You’ve already had to have other conversations about things he’s does? This sounds a drag. Get out before it gets any deeper!

todaysdilemma · 03/11/2021 10:59

Why does he need to comment on women's appearance SO much?? Assuming it is their appearance, and not, "wow, she's so smart/love how she has been playing this season/amazing talent" etc...

That would put me right off tbh, because it would mean he can't see beyond a woman's looks. That would make me question if he is like that at work with his colleagues too - like those creepy men we complain about on MN who ogle at work. And it's a total lack of social awareness too of knowing your audience - very unattractive in a grown adult.

DeclineandFall · 03/11/2021 11:07

He's insecure. He's trying in a cack handed way to make you jealous so you know what a catch he is. Tell him to stop it because it's putting you off him. If he's a good man he will.

WingsOfGahan · 03/11/2021 12:00

Who can be bothered though? Maybe the poor bless poppet is insecure but it's time to shape up or ship out.

Original poster

nolovelost · 03/11/2021 13:38

Thank you all so much for your comments. I agree he's doing it for a confident boost for himself, but to be honest, I am sick of it. I'm going to say something like, it feels like you're testing me and it's putting me off (which it actually is). I'm going to give him ONE chance. My ex was exactly like this and it wore me down, I'm not going to let it happen again.

To the poster who asked specifically what is was, there are too many examples but just attractive comments. We see each other mainly at the weekend, sometimes in the week but it happens a couple of times each time. He talks about his ex a lot from last year too which irritates me, so I'll ask him if he still likes her.

OP posts:

Yousexybugger · 03/11/2021 13:50

@BrilliantBetty

He'll say a woman is attractive on TV but it's all the time!

I'd say something like this OP, as you say, give him one more chance.

I dated a man earlier this year for 6 months, every time we met he commented on some other woman being hot. Sometimes multiple. Some celebrities, some women he knew. I don't think I ever did except maybe once or twice about Sean Bean.

He complimented me a lot, so I'm not quite sure what his jib was, whether it was thoughtlessness or trying to provoke a reaction.

He also talked about exes a lot. I think that was partly to aggrandise himself and show that he had been out with a string of interesting sounding women.

I understand Babdoc's point, but mine wasn't the same as joking about each other's one celebrity crush. It was persistent and would suggest he had a bit too much of an interest in women other than me (or that's how I saw it).

Whatever the reason, it was bad manners and I actually wish I had raised it, dispassionately so would suggest that you do. His reaction will tell you a lot.

KintsugiForever · 03/11/2021 13:57

I dated a guy like this as well this year - on and on about his past conquests. Even said he doubted any of his exes had ever found anyone else better in bed than him. I told him it was tiresome and unnecessary (I never went on about my past in that way), he said he'd take it on board but never did. He's therefore an ex!

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread