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Original poster

Boyfriend of 4 months is, I think deliberately causing me to be insecure.

62 replies

nolovelost · 03/11/2021 08:09

So he is very lovely with me, compliments me a lot, is very thoughtful and caring and supportive when needs be.

I feel like he deliberately mentions women a lot, like in general, because it doesn't feel natural. He really emphasises on it. When he's been out and about and talking to women he knows. It feels like he's looking for a reaction and not just a casual thing to mention, because it is a LOT! He'll say a woman is attractive on TV but it's all the time!

We've had a few minor issues before which we've spoken about, to which he's said that he's glad I've brought them up and that he'll make a conscious effort to improve, so he is approachable etc.

I get that most men appreciate other women and even comment from time to time but it just seems over the top.

I need help with whether I should do anything about it. It's quite off putting.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 03/11/2021 14:13

Plus it's good to get a male view on this, thank you.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 03/11/2021 16:18

I'm going to give him ONE chance.

Come on OP. You've given him more than one chance already. It just makes it harder to disentangle yourself later on. He gets a chance to give you a guilt trip, talk until you start doubting yourself, love bomb you etc... why put yourself through all that? He makes you feel insecure. Why give him another chance to make you feel that way? It should be enough for you to know it's not worth it. You don't stick around for people who undermine you, hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad about yourself. End of.

Original poster
nolovelost · 03/11/2021 19:26

I thought most people would say that I'm being jealous and insecure, and that saying people on TV are attractive is fine.

But from the responses that I'm getting, it seems that people agree with me because it's all the time, and it seems that it could be goady/deliberate and him wanting to provoke a reaction.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/11/2021 19:30

@nolovelost

Thank you all so much for your comments. I agree he's doing it for a confident boost for himself, but to be honest, I am sick of it. I'm going to say something like, it feels like you're testing me and it's putting me off (which it actually is). I'm going to give him ONE chance. My ex was exactly like this and it wore me down, I'm not going to let it happen again.

To the poster who asked specifically what is was, there are too many examples but just attractive comments. We see each other mainly at the weekend, sometimes in the week but it happens a couple of times each time. He talks about his ex a lot from last year too which irritates me, so I'll ask him if he still likes her.

Why are you trying to change a man you've been dating 4 months?? Just bin him off for goodness sake
EarthSight · 03/11/2021 19:35

@nolovelost

So he is very lovely with me, compliments me a lot, is very thoughtful and caring and supportive when needs be.

I feel like he deliberately mentions women a lot, like in general, because it doesn't feel natural. He really emphasises on it. When he's been out and about and talking to women he knows. It feels like he's looking for a reaction and not just a casual thing to mention, because it is a LOT! He'll say a woman is attractive on TV but it's all the time!

We've had a few minor issues before which we've spoken about, to which he's said that he's glad I've brought them up and that he'll make a conscious effort to improve, so he is approachable etc.

I get that most men appreciate other women and even comment from time to time but it just seems over the top.

I need help with whether I should do anything about it. It's quite off putting.

Thanks.

Sometimes it's not the action that's important - it's what's driving it.

I would be put off by this too. It doesn't really say much about his empathy does it? Why would he deliberately want to cause you to feel a negative emotion if he cared about you. Not really good for the future. At this point he should really be trying to impress you, unless he's one of those awful, insecure, pick-up artist types who like negging women to make them feel insecure. Read up on that. Usually it's a backhanded compliment but maybe they do this as well and he's read tips online.

The again he could be a bit of a wanker anyway.

Maybebaby8 · 03/11/2021 19:45

My DP used to do this, it would piss me off. In the end I got so fed up with it and told him how it made me feel. He was horrified and apologised. I think he did it without really realising he was doing it. Now he doesn't do it and if he does it doesn't really bother me as it's a once in a blue moon. So all I would advise is just mention it to him, his reaction will tell you all you need to know

Pinkbonbon · 03/11/2021 19:50

Narcissists and similar often do this shit in order to make you feel 'not enough'.

A partner should make you feel more secure, not more insecure. Ditch him fast before he drags you down. And you don't need any other reason than 'I'm just not feeling it' at 4 months in. Don't give him an opportunity to mindfuck you out of it.

PollyPeePants · 03/11/2021 19:52

Sounds very tiresome!
Could you start doing it to see if he noticed how bloody annoying and inappropriate it is?

Original poster
nolovelost · 03/11/2021 19:57

Thank you for all the further comments. I will not start doing it myself as that's not me and I don't play games. I'd rather be vocal and honest. Dump him if I need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 03/11/2021 20:42

I'm also reading and taking on board the comments about the DH/DPs that have been the same but have taken it on board and improved. So I'm going to see what he does. But I'm fully aware and experienced with narcisism, negging etc, and won't be going there again.

OP posts:
Pinkbucket · 03/11/2021 21:02

It would turn me off that he’s not aware enough to realise that the objectification of women is a big issue that has worked against women for centuries and that he wants to continue behaving that way
I’d be asking him about women he respects ( seeing if it’s only women he’s attracted to ) and asking him what qualifies he thinks are important in women
I mean do you really want to commit to someone down the track who’s going to value you less and less over the years simply because you are female and age and he believes a woman’s looks are he primary value
This is something I’d absolutely need to know before investing one more minute
Good luck

category12 · 03/11/2021 21:30

@beastlyslumber

If you're feeling insecure four months in then I'd say throw this one back. At four months it should be exciting and feel like he's only got eyes for you. Obviously you'll both notice other attractive people but do you bring it up every time you see someone you vaguely fancy? I doubt it.

Just not worth it, OP.

This.
Yousexybugger · 04/11/2021 08:11

Interesting to hear this is typical narcissistic behaviour as I didn't know. I strongly suspect my ex whom I mentioned had a lot of narcissistic tendencies for other reasons.

OP, you're not being jealous and insecure at all. If you've had enough, this is a good enough reason to dump someone as it is so thoughtless.

sallyanne33 · 04/11/2021 11:19

He may well be negging you. But, regardless, the fact that he’s happy to objectify women like that all the time shows that’s he’s probably a misogynist and for that reason I’d put him in the bin.

layladomino · 04/11/2021 11:20

When you raise this with him, can I suggest that you stress that it is irritating and off-putting and immature and that's why you want it to stop. You might also say that you've got the impression that he's trying to make you feel insecure for some reason.

I think you're more likely to get a positive outcome if you stress these aspects rather than telling him it's making you feel insecure (as if that's what he was aiming for, you're telling him he's succeeded).

Original poster
nolovelost · 04/11/2021 12:09

Thank you for the further comments, much appreciated.

@layladomino that's exactly what I'm aiming at saying, immature/childish, off putting and pushing me away. I'm not going to say that it makes me insecure, because really I'm not a massively insecure person, it's just frustrating and irritating like you say. I'm going to sound serious and sound like the strong person that I like to think I am.

Love your comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 04/11/2021 12:40

Plus, like you say, I don't want him to think that!

OP posts:
wobblywinelover · 04/11/2021 12:51

This is totally disrespectful and immature. Do men still do this crap? I'd be getting rid. The more that women put up with this sort of stuff the more some men will do it. A short sharp trip to dumpsville might make him see the error of his ways. Sorry op sounds like another narcissist or just an over excited teenage boy. Neither attractive 🤢

QuestionNumberOne · 04/11/2021 12:57

This is absolute bullshit and I’m surprised at all the posters defending him.

It’s rude and disrespectful to you. Of course you feel insecure.

Complete dealbreaker.

ILoveShula · 04/11/2021 13:41

Hmmm....Mr Spock... Blush

TheFoundations · 04/11/2021 15:22

'It puts me right off you when you make comments about other women.'

That's it. That's all you need. Once, and make sure he heard you. Then the responsibility is 100% on him for whether you dump him or not.

But to be honest, if you're staying with someone you think is deliberately trying to make you insecure, you have some questions to ask of yourself, too. Anybody with a healthy level of self esteem would have left him by now.

Original poster
nolovelost · 04/11/2021 15:29

@TheFoundations I completely agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
nolovelost · 04/11/2021 20:21

This is doing my head in waiting to speak to him. He's not close by and I'm due to see him Saturday which is going to be make or break, depending on how I feel when I've spoken to him.

He's asked me twice now what he can cook for me and being really sweet. I can't not respond to it again. I can't say that I'm already busy at tea time as I've already said I'm free but what if I decide that I want to finish things, what can I say about the meal thing? I can't say 'yeah I'll have such a thing', he goes and buys expensive food and I finish it!!

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 04/11/2021 20:38

Just dump him. But if you really can't find the courage to do that, text and tell him not to go to any trouble with the meal, you can just get a take out when you're there.

beastlyslumber · 04/11/2021 20:41

But really, it can't be make or break depending on how you feel when you see him. Because when you see him, he'll be all sweetness and light and you'll feel bad about ending it and you'll tell yourself you're overreacting and you have to give him a chance.

You have to decide based on what you want in a relationship. What are your standards? What kind of a person are you looking for? Base your decision on that.

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