Would you dump for this? Honestly?

[EmptyPizzaBox]

This is probably going to sound a bit petty.

I went to a Halloween party with my boyfriend of a year at the weekend.

I got ready and came down stairs and he said absolutely nothing about my costume or how I looked. What he said was "there you are. Can you do my make up now?"

This is just the latest in a catalogue of things that make me feel undervalued, unappreciated and a bit shit. It didn't help that when we got to the party everyone was telling each other how good they looked and he still managed to say nothing to me. The only thing he said about the whole thing was to thank me for doing his make up.

Your friends have confirmed your suspicions as have the wise MNers! Definitely dump! Now! Before the weekend! You are worth so much more than this. Well done for identifying the red flags, well done for chatting to your friends about this and for posting on MN. You’ve got this! You were stronger before you met him and you’ll be strong again without him!

Good morning OP, happy getting rid of your crappy negging boyfriend day!

Seriously though, he sounds mean and inconsiderate, as well as image-obsessed. Who in their right mind would be annoyed at how you looked slipping and what his friends might think (why would they even think anything negative??!!) rather than concerned to see if you were ok?

I agree too that he doesn’t care about you. It’s all about him, you doing his makeup, you behaving right to prop up his image. Not complementing you or even acknowledging your costume while making the point he thinks your friend looks striking is designed to make you dance harder to keep him (with the added punch that he has thought of having sex with her and is secretly thinking you’re stupid). Nil concern about you when you fell shows he treats you with contempt. He’s emotionally abusing you, his passive aggressive comments and making you feel unimportant will only get worse. Please dump him, you will do better, let him find someone that’s just like him.

What did your friends comment on exactly? It must be quite bad for them to mention it.

Well done for recognising what is going on. Imagine being married to him, your self esteem would be in tatters.

I think you probably looked really good that night and he wanted to bring you down a peg or two by saying nothing at all about it. He just sounds really horrible and you can do so much better.

What did your friends comment on exactly?

He's too clever to be obvious or really bad in front of anyone else. He can be really nice to me in front of other people.

I've spoken to a couple of friends about things. They just observed that he spent very little time with me, talked about himself a lot when he spoke to other people (he is his favourite topic of conversation) and made a beeline for my friend's son's 21 year old girlfriend 🙄

They asked what he'd said when he'd seen me before the night out (because they thought I looked nice) and couldn't believe it when I told them he'd said absolutely nothing.

My friend made a bacon, sausage and egg breakfast buffet in the morning. I was starving but very fragile. He went and made himself a sandwich. When he'd finished, I asked him to make me one. I could tell by the way he hesitated and the look on his face that he wasn't happy about it but he did it because he knew how it would.look otherwise.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Sounds like death by a thousand paper cuts. Each thing by itself adds up to a picture of him not really caring about you.

this 100%.

My dh is rubbish at complimenting me.
if I come home with hair cut etc he often doesn't notice.
But it is because he is so unobservant. If I then say - like my hair? He will look and say something nice (even if he doesn't initially liek it, because he hates change )

And he does and says nice things unprompted at other times.

So it isn;t the one comment (or lack of it) it is because you know where is comes from.
He just didn't care did he? Wasn't interested in your costume? Wasn't interested in YOU.

So it isn;t the one comment (or lack of it) it is because you know where is comes from.

Yes

He just didn't care did he? Wasn't interested in your costume? Wasn't interested in YOU.

Or worse than that, he thought I did look nice but deliberately didn't say anything to try and make feel shit about myself.

He will have noticed. Everyone noticed.

It was a petty and spiteful thing to do.

I think @PlanDeRaccordement hit the nail on the end with the "death by a thousand paper cuts" comment.
He doesn't seem to care enough about you for you to take up time in your life trying to make a relationship work with him.
That he cared more about whether you embarrassed him than whether you were hurt is illuminating.
Sorry, but I think you deserve better.

I wouldn’t dump for that alone, but perhaps would for the catalogue of other things that have made you feel shit

Dump him right now!

My guess is you’re better looking than him and he knows it, so wants to bring you down so that you don’t realise it. He’s a shallow twerp. Just dump and forget him. Nothing to learn / gain from this one.

This might also sound silly.

I don't know how to anticipate him being when I end it.

How entangled are you? Does he have stuff at your place?
Maybe speak on the phone and then drop a box of his stuff off to him with a friend.

No. I don't have anything at his. He has a few things at mine.

I don't want things to end nastily because we won't be able to completely avoid each other afterwards.

You can just say sorry but you’re not feeling it and don’t see a future with him. Wish him all the best and then stop speaking to him. It’s more than he deserves but keeps things calm. You don’t need to mention his behaviour at all if you don’t want to.

I think it takes more effort not to say something in those circumstances so really what are the points worth staying for?

There aren't any reasons to stay really.

He has been deliberately withholding any praise for you. He is a cunt.

Maybe he just doesn't have any praise to give.

Is it a death by a thousand cuts thing OP? Just alone this doesn’t sound like something to dump someone over. However, if your boyfriend is consistently unkind and uncaring towards you then yes. I can see how one thing could bring you to a breaking point.

Going back and reading your other comments.. yes I would get rid of him. Deliberately trying to not compliment your partner is more about him OP than you. I find that men like this are threatened by their partners attractiveness and go out of their way not to tell her she looks nice. Get rid of him. He sounds like a boor anyway.. talking about himself constantly? No thanks.

You just say "Sorry but this isn't working".

Yes. Get rid.
I dated a guy very soon after getting dumped myself and at the time it seemed like a good idea.
Previously (when he knew I had a partner) he would be very complimentary, however as soon as I got with him after being dumped that changed rapidly.
He would pick holes in me all the time, make out I was thick and stupid, would say things such as my feet smelled (they didn't) or just random horrible things.

We'd only been seeing each other about a month and I went to his house and noticed a bottle of Chanel foundation on his bedside.
It was his.
I left.
I don't mind men wearing make up but it's the fact he was obviously self conscious and pushing that shit onto me. Sounds a bit like what your STBX is doing!