My partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style and regularly becomes withdrawn and cold. I myself have more of an anxious preoccupied attachment style, although since discovering attachment theory I am better able to respond in these situations know that I am assured that her reasons for withdrawal are usually more to do with how she's feeling internally.
I've been gradually developing ED this year, and the last time we met it had gone from issues maintaining an erection to full blown 'can't get it up if I tried' ED, which she has chosen to interpret as a sign that I am no longer attracted to her, which couldn't be further from the truth. This is actually a complete myth that every sexual health professional will tell you. I've told her on a few occasions now the reasons I suspect it is happening, which relate to anxiety and related mental health issues that I am receiving therapy for. After our last meet it was clear to me that it was triggering the next bout of withdrawal and I sent her a long and detailed message to explain that the ED had nothing to do with her and actually sent her links to websites that would confirm this and better explain why ED happens. I hoped it would help reassure her, but I know she doesn't like to talk about emotional issues and suspect she's not read any of the info I sent her and would rather maintain the bogus myth much to her detriment, and therefore much to my detriment also. I am working to fix my own issues but they go right back to my early years and it's taking time to decipher things. We've been in this relationship for a few years now, but have previous history which was on/off with large gaps in between, and I perceived this as rejection each time, went through the heartbreak etc etc. Because of this I probably don't express myself in a hugely genuine way anymore and I don't get excited about things like I did when I was a child, but it doesn't alter the way I feel about her, I'm more in love than I ever was. It has increased my own anxiety because I fear losing her more, and the ED only started to progress after I started worrying about how it could affect things. I am naturally working to rectify this, but how long is a piece of string.
Should I continue to give her space and time, or is this pivotal moment when I need to intervene?
She is going through her own crisis of confidence right now, so this could not have come at a worse time. She is experiencing a high level of stress and pressure from work and family commitments, and issues regarding the father of her child who I believe is being emotionally abusive to her. Oh and she also has not gotten over the death of her father some 15 years ago.
She can't trust herself to not eat a whole massive bar of chocolate, so her answer is to never have chocolate in the house. This is her preferred avoidant technique. Her answer to any personal emotional problem is to downplay and ignore it, and focus on something else. She has overloaded herself with even more work, social events (not with me) which involves a lot of alcohol consumption, and even charitable work. This ensures she has no unoccupied time in which she could let her emotional guard down.
As well as wanting to reassure her of my feelings, I have wanted to talk about her own issues and encourage her to seek therapy. But the problem with dismissive avoidant people is that they have to actually want to change, in order for them to learn about their mental health and see therapy. So often they reject any form of intervention. The irony is that they have are strong minded and have great willpower when it comes to avoidance, so much so that they are more than capable of tackling their traumatic and unresolved past.