Cutting ties with a narcissist

[newstart2022]

Hi
I am really at rock bottom and I need some advice.
I know what I need to do but it’s making me feel ill.
I have been in a narcissistic relationship for 5 years, it wasn’t always like that and it took a while to notice it.
I hardly see him now but he still has me hanging, we sleep together and it’s amazing and I get hooked again.
He doesn’t speak to me for days and I think he is interested in someone else.
I keep hanging on because I don’t want to feel the pain of him moving on.
Advice please x

I felt exactly like this. Didn't want to let go. Couldn't let go. What ifs this what ifs that. I'd be missing out etc.
But I weighed up the pros and cons. What was I actually gaining. How happy was I. How long have I wasted of my life feeling the way I did.

I prepared myself emotionally. I started new activities. I started walking and hiking Dartmoor. Cold water swimming. Made myself feel happy for me again. And I pushed myself away and was able to break free.

I can tel you now it's the best thing I've done.

Also I can't recommend this enough. If you can listen to persia Lawson. Love is coming on podcast. She gives amazing advice on men and relationships etc.

You need to allow yourself to fee the pain and cut ties with him. You have already sunk 5 years of your life into this and it is an emotional drain on your resources. Don’t do that to yourself for another 5 years. Accept the pain, feel it and then focus on creating a new future for yourself.

@Sunseasand2021
Thanks, I will listen to that.
He is on a night out in her company soon and I feel physically sick about it.
I shouldn’t even care.
It’s a horrible state of mind.
Glad to hear there is light at the end of it all.
Thanks x

@Muttly
Thanks.
I keep making plans with him and promise myself I will do it after them.
Been doing this since January.
When I step back from it I don’t even know why him moving on would bother me x

What was your life like before you met him?

@TheFoundations
Normal.
I was recently divorced but ok.
I didn’t have as much anxiety, I enjoyed watching tv programs, walking and really simple things.
I feel like all that’s gone and I am full of anxiety.
I am already dreading Saturday, knowing he will be out and she will be there.
I know that’s no way to live at all.

Hi. I too am in a similar situation which has been going on for 3 years. I'm always hanging on for the next text message, running to his house when he wants me and then being ghosted for days/weeks/months before the whole cycle starts again. I want to believe he cares about me but I am not naïve enough to realise he really doesn't. I have tried everything to forget him and move on but its so hard. My mental health is rock bottom I have hobbies, a busy life etc etc, but something keeps drawing me back in, lack of self-respect I suppose. I don't know what the answer is but I do know its no way to live your life. I hope you get there but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. x

Find your anger, at being treated with such contempt.

Think about things that will bring you healing. Find things you love to do (simple things is fine and exploring that can be slowly wonderful).

Cut him out completely. Think of it as lancing a boil. Change your number, whatever it takes short-term. (Long term I guarantee you you won't be interested in him). Its what you have to do. Otherwise the scab has no chance to heal.

[quote newstart2022]@TheFoundations
Normal.
I was recently divorced but ok.
I didn’t have as much anxiety, I enjoyed watching tv programs, walking and really simple things.
I feel like all that’s gone and I am full of anxiety.
I am already dreading Saturday, knowing he will be out and she will be there.
I know that’s no way to live at all.[/quote]
It's not gone, you've just moved a bit too far away to see it, after what you've been through. You were quite capable of living without him for many years, and you will be again.

Give yourself time to recover and don't expect to get back to normal straight away, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that your 'normal' has stopped existing or is no longer accessible to you. What you need to set about finding is you. That's what gets lost when you have a relationship with a narcissist. They become everything, and so, by default, you have to become nothing.

Your recovery is all about you, and nothing about him. You are the focus now, you are at the centre of everything. You will pull out of this; many have done before you, and many will in the future. I've done it. You're not alone in this experience; there are many who will understand.

So well said, Foundations.

@Winter2021
I hope you are ok. It’s a horrible place to be.
I so badly don’t want him to move on.
What I don’t understand is what he is getting from the relationship.

@TheFoundations
Thanks so much for this advice x

@newstart2022 I'm an expert on narcissists unfortunately because I was married to one then dated one! ...I educated myself to help with the confusion. But it hurts and you get stuck in a loop of trying to understand it all. But the thing is that you can't understand it...it's a disorder so their behaviour can't be viewed through the lens of a 'typical' person.

What does he get from the relationship (and all the others he has had and will have)? He gets a feeling of power and control ...some call it 'fuel'. It's really quite inhuman but often they don't see what they are doing, the disorder 'enables' and excuses it.

But what happens with these relationship is less like love and more like an invasion of you....so you'll feel so vulnerable to him despite knowing that he is no good for you. It's an addiction where your brain is rewired from what was probably a love bombed start....and slowly he'll show the real him and you'll tie yourself in knots trying to be the person you need to be to get him back again...but the person he was at the start doesn't exist. It's all fake. But you are capable of love and joy; put that effort into yourself now. You must go completely no contact, it's the only way if he is a narcissist. Block him on everything and fill your life with positive things and one day you won't even think about him any more.

Good luck and remember you are worth a thousand of him.

From another perspective ... I am in a relationship who was with a narcissist for years. She rang him a few times in the first few months of our relationship. I was in the room and two calls were in loud speaker,
She rang first , having cruelly discarded him having given up his family and friends for fear of her violent reactions , to ask professional advice . He gave it and ended the call abruptly . We spoke about it. He really didn't realise what had been going on.
She rang again ... to let him know that EVERYONE ... had thought that they were back together and what he thought of that. He had heard nothing . Laughed it off on the phone cut came away perplexed.
Lastly she rang for more professional advice and he calmly told her to do one . She got angry, aggressive and insulting . Played to the script . He has blocked her . It's your only option if you want peace I'm
Afraid . He has been a little work but We spoke at length. He sees exactly what was going on now . They are a menace to people's mental health .

Trying to understand what he's feeling/what he gets from it/why he's done this or that... you'll drive yourself mad. Kind people understand kind people. Mean people understand mean people. Narcissists understand narcissists.

Whilst there can be some crossover with this, narcissists are so far removed in their motives from the rest of us, they're like a different species; we might understand that our dog wants to sniff lampposts, but we'll never understand what he gets out of it, it's outside our realm.

Take comfort from the fact that you don't understand; you are too decent a person to ever get it, and you have so much humanity that you even try to understand those who are cruel to you, personally.

It's good that you don't understand him; it's a measure of you. Don't spend the next months trying to obtain an understanding you neither need nor want. It would only offer him justification, in your mind, of his behaviour. It's a way of finding a path to forgiving him. That won't serve you well. Back away from the incomprehensible emotional alien.

@TheFoundations
Thanks so much for this.
I spend days wondering if it’s me because I can’t understand that someone can be so evil.
He cheated so knows I am insecure then he started making a big deal of another woman despite the fact that I was still hurting.
It’s horrible x

@KintsugiForever
Thanks. This explains how I feel perfectly.
So glad other people understand .
I feel very isolated and know that my friends just don’t understand at all.

It's not you, OP. You're having the healthy, normal response to an unhealthy, abnormal situation: we do shock, and horror, and then we try and try and try to understand.

You are normal. You are healthy. Grasp, and grasp hard, that the only thing wrong with you and your life, is him.

Think about it: you don't feel like you're crazy/faulty/deficient with anybody the way you do with him, do you? So if you removed him from your life, you wouldn't feel like that any more.

This is all about you and your perception of yourself: that's what you need to be working on, not trying to understand him. He is essentially a symptom of your low self esteem. That's all he is.

@newstart2022 Hate to say it but cheating to them is normal behaviour, they need multiple sources of validation to exist...they excuse it away by any means and no matter how tenuous.

Like you I didn't realise that there are some people who really don't have any good in them, but the reality is that these people exist. And they don't want to change. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, you are reacting normally to terrible treatment. Your kindness is holding you in this loop because it's trying to understand him. As pp said, you can't understand nor should you try, because it's impossible.

The first step is no contact. Every time you think of him, replace that thought with a positive action...for eg go for a walk, listen to your favourite song and immerse yourself in what you were before him and what makes you happy. Your life was fine for many years before you met him, and it will be fine after. He, however, will always be on the exhausting hamster wheel of narcissistic quests for control.

Sorry to jump on this, the answers are v helpful..BUT I have a feeling mine was..I just struggle with some bits I read..

What happens when he does apologise? Mine did? Does this mean he isn’t a narc? does he mean it?
When he involves you in everything but gets stroppy if it doesn’t quite go to plan and at rare points pushes you out?
Gives you the silent treatment
Makes plans and seems happy but then throws things back at you’d never have had a clue about had you not brought aomething up?

No he doesn't mean it, every word is a lie. The sorrys, the I love yous it's all lies.
I would be aware that he is devaluing you right now, he isn't seeing you regularly and likely has another woman somewhere, they wait until the new supply is enmeshed before discarding the old.

I've just had the discard after 15 years, it was a year ago and I found out about ALL his other women the end of last week. There were hundreds, one night stands, girlfriends, women he fell in love with that he loved for years. It has really fucked me up.

He moved in with my friend straight after leaving ours a year ago (we have 2 kids so does she) but I only found out last week!

Forget planning to leave him just mentally prepare for him to disappear and the realisation that none of it was real to hit you hard.
I wish I had been prepared for it

@Nov910 Honestly, I wouldn't try and label your ex (I assume an ex?). Narcissist or not, how he treated you wasn't very nice - I bet you did none of those things to him?

Yes, a lot of what you describe sounds like narcissistic tendencies, but if a relationship makes you confused, sad and a little bit like you are going mad...then you are better off out of it. If you ever have to Google someone's behaviour, or come onto somewhere like here to ask for clarity on it - then that's enough evidence it's not a good relationship. You are very much better off without him! Good luck.

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain - I hope you are ok? There is nothing quite like a relationship with a narcissist to drag you through pain you never thought you'd feel. I hope you are enjoying your freedom and recovering.