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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s just not that into me is he?

100 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 01/11/2021 23:52

Feel stupid posting this but before i delete his number I wanted to check I’m feeling it right.

Met a guy on Facebook through a mutual group we have In common. Started talking about 6 weeks ago. Then thanks to work commitments and him getting covid then me getting it we couldn’t meet till last week. During that time we’ve been messaging all the time, sending selfie’s, talking on the phone etc.

We went out for a bite to eat on the 26th October , had a cuddle and kiss before I drove home and I thought things were ok. The next day it all changed gone were the flirty ish messages and the xs on texts. No more selfie’s. We have spoken every day since but I feel the efforts not there. I get the feeling he wasn’t attracted to me and if that’s the case I wish he’d say it . I started to like him which at 31 makes me feel stupid. He’s 30 btw if that helps. I’m thinking it’s a delete the number situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 02/11/2021 13:57

@AryaStarkWolf I actually have no idea. He’s just messaged again asking if ive seen the protests near my place of work. Feel like messaging back saying it’s ok I got the hint you’re not into me but I don’t want to be friends.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 02/11/2021 14:00

[quote CharlotteRose90]@AryaStarkWolf I actually have no idea. He’s just messaged again asking if ive seen the protests near my place of work. Feel like messaging back saying it’s ok I got the hint you’re not into me but I don’t want to be friends.[/quote]
Don't even bother, just ignore him

Lorddenning1 · 02/11/2021 14:02

I don't get it, he has sent you 4 messages today, how is he not interested in you?

Justmuddlingalong · 02/11/2021 14:05

He's trying to reel you in. All chatty and interested now that you've backed off. Don't engage or the cycle will repeat itself.

R0tational · 02/11/2021 14:09

Keep away from him! He wants to play mind games.

GiltEdges · 02/11/2021 14:21

Honestly, I think you sound a bit immature. On the one hand you talk about expecting him to be honest and tell you if he’s not attracted to you. On the other, you haven’t outright asked him and have now deleted his number and ignored his messages without giving him any explanation. Bearing in mind, he hasn’t actually done anything wrong Confused

Arabelladrinkstea · 02/11/2021 14:22

I’d been chatting to a guy, had x 2 dates then an amazing third date and he suddenly backed off.
I did the usual and thought he must not fancy me or met someone else.

A few years later I end up dating his best friend - it turned out that on the third date I looked around and said something and I reminded him so much of his sister he couldn’t get it out of his head!

So don’t be hard on yourself Flowers

RazzleDazz1e · 02/11/2021 14:27

Agree with PP he hasn’t actually done anything wrong, so I wouldn’t smart about it much more and just move on.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 02/11/2021 15:02

@GiltEdges

Honestly, I think you sound a bit immature. On the one hand you talk about expecting him to be honest and tell you if he’s not attracted to you. On the other, you haven’t outright asked him and have now deleted his number and ignored his messages without giving him any explanation. Bearing in mind, he hasn’t actually done anything wrong Confused
I’m not immature at all thanks. But it’s clear from his messages and the fact he hasn’t asked me out again despite me mentioning it that he’s not interested. I’ve deleted him number as I don’t want a friend, he knew I wanted to date for a potential relationship so if he’s not interested then we don’t need to be in contact
OP posts:
Yogawankonobi · 02/11/2021 15:07

Just ask him

crochetmonkey74 · 02/11/2021 15:17

In your case OP I would just ask - just so you know- text can be misread but also- there's a really strength in owning all the things women are told normally to suck up or keep quiet about. I am online dating and am being very forthright about my wants and needs and boundaries. I'm never rude - just clear and it is revolutionary!
I would message something like ' I think the tone of our messages has changed and we don't seem to be organising another date, so I wish you good luck' You then take the power back and give yourself the closure that so often we are trained to just not expect

bathsh3ba · 02/11/2021 15:17

Why not just tell him you're not interested rather than ignoring him?

todaysdilemma · 02/11/2021 15:45

He sounds like he just wants someone to text/chat to when he's bored or lonely. Well done for reading between the lines. Loads of people just like the attention, esp when they think the other person likes them. Best thing you can do is stop engaging further. If he does ask you what is wrong, let him know that you are looking for dating and a relationship, not a friend.

If a man wants to see you again, he will. Don't waste any more energy on him. Also, you weren't to know it wouldn't work out - messaging creates a false sense of intimacy. But at least you know before you wasted months more on him.

grapestar · 02/11/2021 15:53

Why would you not just put it to him straight rather than assuming one way or the other? Tell him you won't be offended if he says you weren't his type etc, but if he does say that ffs don't get offended!
Don't really understand what you have to lose by responding to one of his messages today asking him what he thinks, what you do have to lose though by deleting his number and asking people on mumsnet what they think is potentially the relationship you were after....stop being stubborn, if you like this guy ask him straight.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 02/11/2021 16:42

@crochetmonkey74

In your case OP I would just ask - just so you know- text can be misread but also- there's a really strength in owning all the things women are told normally to suck up or keep quiet about. I am online dating and am being very forthright about my wants and needs and boundaries. I'm never rude - just clear and it is revolutionary! I would message something like ' I think the tone of our messages has changed and we don't seem to be organising another date, so I wish you good luck' You then take the power back and give yourself the closure that so often we are trained to just not expect
I actually like what you put message wise. I’ll send him a message tonight saying that and leave it at that. Will just relay to him what I’ve said on here that is I met him for a date not to be friends and if he’s not interested it’s totally fine.
OP posts:
Animood · 02/11/2021 16:48

We went out for a bite to eat on the 26th October , had a cuddle and kiss before I drove home and I thought things were ok. The next day it all changed gone were the flirty ish messages and the xs on texts.

He hasn't messaged again because you didn't have sex with him.

Friedcheeseisthebest · 02/11/2021 16:50

Good plan - let us know how it goes.

CecilieRose · 02/11/2021 17:11

@Justmuddlingalong Agree - he seems like a head melt. Lost interest once he saw she was really into him, and now she's pulled away and got annoyed, he's suddenly interested again.

A big red flag is a lack of consistency. Some men aren't into kisses and emojis and that's fine. But using them and then suddenly stopping and acting aloof, and then messaging again like everything is fine is game playing.

beautifulview · 02/11/2021 17:19

Good for you for owning this and being clear about what you want. I love this attitude. Be forthright.
“Thanks for the messages but I’m going to delete your number. I get the hint that you’re not that interested. No worries but maybe be more honest in the future. I’m after a strong relationship and I don’t need more friends. All the best” then ignore any further messages.

Gilda152 · 02/11/2021 17:26

Just tell him you're no longer interested and block his number?

Chargreen · 02/11/2021 17:32

He’s 30 and OLD, of course he has a few irons in the fire. Forget all about him.

Redyellowblue34 · 02/11/2021 17:39

I was explicit with my now STBXH. I hoped for reconciliation. Realised ex was not being honest. Instead behaving in a manner that suggested we wanted the same thing. I realised I was putting the effort. Asked him directly. He didn’t respond. I messaged back that no response meant that he agreed we didn’t both want want the same thing. Said something really positive about us, and ended ‘I won’t contact you again.’ I really felt I had closure, honesty and pride. One of my proudest, boldest moments.

immersivereader · 02/11/2021 17:44

Don't message him again. It makes you look like you care

After his bonfire night reply he can get lost

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 02/11/2021 18:04

@Chargreen

He’s 30 and OLD, of course he has a few irons in the fire. Forget all about him.
He’s not online dating we didn’t meet on a dating website and he’s definitely not doing that as he said so. I think he just doesn’t want a relationship with me.
OP posts:
Genevie82 · 02/11/2021 18:18

.. to be honest Op I think once he realised sex wasn’t on the menu that night he lost interest ..you’re right to mug him off now! Xx

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