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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he an arsehole or am I annoying?

69 replies

TheBlueBear89 · 01/11/2021 13:05

Will try and keep this brief. Been with DP a few years, have a DD together who is 12 months. He stayed up until 5am yesterday (sunday) morning after having 'a few' drinks Saturday night. I slept poorly due to him snoring and DD being unsettled. When he woke at 1400 yesterday I asked him would he mind if I had a nap. He grumbled about it a bit but grudgingly agreed. I slept longer than intended (until 1700) and when I came downstairs he said "oh it's nice of you to join us". I was still quite sleepy and said "don't start". He became very annoyed and started going on about how I couldn't take a joke. He then went back up to bed until 2200 and only went downstairs after i put DD to bed (she's been unwell after jabs and sleeping pattern is all over the place). I suggested we watch a film together but he didn't want to so I went to bed. Before I went to bed I asked could I have a neck rub and he said no as he "just wanted to chill."
He came up around 0300 after drinking approx half a bottle of vodka. DD was very unsettled again through the night and he made no effort to help. I finally got her settled at 9am and went upstairs to see what DP was at. He was awake and playing a game on his phone. I asked him could I come in for a quick cuddle and he got very annoyed saying I'm so needy and don't give him any space. I was taken aback by this as he would frequently ask me for neck/back rubs etc. I said to him I didn't think I was asking much, considering I had watched DD for all but three hours the day before. He became more irate saying that I done very little with DD yesterday and if I was going to be like that he would go downstairs and I could stay up. I knew he would be in a foul mood the rest of the day if I stayed in bed so I went down to DD. A while later I went up to see if he wanted anything from the shop. He was extremely dry and made it clear he wanted nothing from me (including a back rub) I apologised for being annoying and he said I was always looking attention at inopportune moments and that I needed to behave more like an adult and it was such a turn off. He's currently still in bed and to be honest I'm glad as dont want to see him. But I'm looking to see if anyone else's partner/h can be like this? At times it feels like he can't stand me at all. I do realise I am coming across as a complete doormat in the post but I apologised a) for a quiet life b) hoping to get an apology back c) I'm wondering if he is right and that I am actually very annoying.

OP posts:
altmember · 01/11/2021 14:11

He's an alcoholic. He may be tolerable when he's not drunk or hungover though though (which sounds rare).

Original poster
TheBlueBear89 · 01/11/2021 14:37

Yes he definitely has issues with alcohol. He's out of bed now and still acting very dry.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/11/2021 14:41

Is this level or drinking new? Do you both realise he has a problem?

Does he work? He’s keeping odd hours for someone with a baby he doesn’t seem keen to care for much.

It all sounds very fraught and stressful, did you used to communicate better or has it always been like this?

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/11/2021 14:45

Pour every ounce of alcohol straight down the sink right now and ban booze from the house. Pissed people in a house with a baby is straight out of Trainspotting.

If he can't handle the booze ban, then I'd be rethinking the whole relationship.

IslaPineappple · 01/11/2021 14:46

He's definitely got issues but I think you should stop trying to offer back rubs etc. it's not really reading the room

Original poster
TheBlueBear89 · 01/11/2021 14:48

He used to have issues with alcohol. He cut back massively when I was pregnant (unplanned). He upped the ante after DD was born. We are both shift workers, him FT, me PT but he's been off on AL since Friday. We have spoken about it before but he gets very defensive when I bring it up.

OP posts:
TheUndoingProject · 01/11/2021 14:50

Yeah going on about back rubs when your partner is casually drinking half a bottle of vodka seems like you’re not really engaging with the seriousness of the situation. What value is he actually bringing to your life?

Original poster
TheBlueBear89 · 01/11/2021 14:52

@IslaPineappple yeah it does smack of desperation I know. I honestly don't know why I bother. I think in a way it was yo ascertain just how much of a bad moos he was in. When he's very annoyed he refuses everything. When he's moderately annoyed he would be agreeable. I feel like I've done something wrong but not sure what it is. Literally the only thing I can think of is when I told him not to "start" yesterday. He maybe was just joking but anytime I nap (which is rarely) he will often remark on it once I get up.

OP posts:
kateg27 · 01/11/2021 14:52

Hi OP. Does he drink every day? And if so approximately how much?

There are several things you need to do to start.
1; do not leave your baby with him if he has been drinking, his parenting ability will be affected.
2; you need to safeguard your child. Your partner should only really be having time with your little one when you are there.
3; do not pour away every drop of alcohol. If he drinks every day, and has done for a prolonged period of time, he will need to reduce his drinking gradually. Stopping suddenly like @AmandaHoldensLips has suggested can potentially be very dangerous.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/11/2021 14:52

Him getting defensive - not great, short term unpleasantness
Your child growing with an alcoholic parent - dangerous and awful with lifelong consequences

What are you going to do?

roarfeckingroarr · 01/11/2021 14:54

It sounds very odd. Why does he spend half the day in bed on a regular basis?

TheFoundations · 01/11/2021 14:56

If he can't stand you and you're so annoying to him, his responsible action as an adult would be to talk to you and find compromises, or to terminate the relationship. Same goes for you. There's no external list of rules about what you should be allowed to do and what you shouldn't, or about what is annoying and what's not. You have to take responsibility and decide for yourself; is this the relationship you want? If not, can you fix it together? If not... you need to leave.

Original poster
TheBlueBear89 · 01/11/2021 14:56

Sorry I should have put in the OP, he absolutely has issues with alcohol and has previously admitted to being a functional alcoholic. He would normally drink 2 litre bottles of vodka over a week. So I do the majority of childcare etc. I'm absolutely not minimising the issue and I know it seems like I'm completely naive to the real issue, but at the minute I'm wondering how much of his moods are my "fault" and how much is his drinking. I realise it may be an irrelevant question to even ask, but he has blamed me in the past for his unhappiness.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2021 14:58

The man's an alcoholic.

Is this really a relationship you want to remain in, let alone raise a child in?. I should think not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2021 14:59

His moods are directly related to his drinking, alcohol acts as a depressant. And he is directly to blame for his own unhappiness. not you.

Why are you still with him though?. What has prevented you to date from leaving this man altogether?.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/11/2021 15:01

He’s a mean grumpy drunk. You were not annoying and have done nothing wrong. He needs to stop drinking completely and start treating you much better. That is no life to live walking on eggshells all day because he’s up all night drinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2021 15:01

You can only help your own self ultimately and he does not want your help or support. There is no fixing this with him at all and this home is also not the sanctuary it should be for either you or your children.

JudgementalCactus · 01/11/2021 15:02

@TheBlueBear89

Sorry I should have put in the OP, he absolutely has issues with alcohol and has previously admitted to being a functional alcoholic. He would normally drink 2 litre bottles of vodka over a week. So I do the majority of childcare etc. I'm absolutely not minimising the issue and I know it seems like I'm completely naive to the real issue, but at the minute I'm wondering how much of his moods are my "fault" and how much is his drinking. I realise it may be an irrelevant question to even ask, but he has blamed me in the past for his unhappiness.
You chose to have a baby with an alcoholic. That's on you. You need to adjust your expectations (because he won't change) or leave him and do your best as a single parent.
HollowTalk · 01/11/2021 15:03

His moods belong to him. If you stay in bed for a couple of hours he sees it as him losing valuable drinking or sleeping time.

Do you actually love him? He sounds unbelievably selfish.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2021 15:04

Better to raise your children here as a single parent rather than you all tiptoeing and otherwise being around an alcoholic. Alcoholism is not known as the "family disease" for nothing and your children will be affected by their dad's alcoholism. Your own recovery from this abuse of you has not even started yet and will not until you and he are completely apart.

TheFoundations · 01/11/2021 15:04

@TheBlueBear89

Sorry I should have put in the OP, he absolutely has issues with alcohol and has previously admitted to being a functional alcoholic. He would normally drink 2 litre bottles of vodka over a week. So I do the majority of childcare etc. I'm absolutely not minimising the issue and I know it seems like I'm completely naive to the real issue, but at the minute I'm wondering how much of his moods are my "fault" and how much is his drinking. I realise it may be an irrelevant question to even ask, but he has blamed me in the past for his unhappiness.
Fault is irrelevant, unless you're in the relationship to prove that you can follow rules correctly and get things right.

But presumably you're in the relationship to be happy. Whose 'fault' it is makes the relationship a zero sum game: he needs to be wrong so that you can be right, and vice versa. Do you really want that to be the pattern? Wouldn't you rather a situation/relationship where you could both feel right and justified in your feelings at the same time?

girlmom21 · 01/11/2021 15:04

He's a massive arsehole and you need to stop leaving an alcoholic in charge of your child. You should leave for her sake. Take her somewhere we she'll have a healthy upbringing.

Graphista · 01/11/2021 15:13

He's an alcoholic arsehole!

I'm not gonna bother with all the bullshit - just get rid!

I'm the child of an alcoholic and toxic home like yours sounds it is and quite honestly I will say if you stay you're letting your child down.

He didn't "use to@" have problems with alcohol he's a belligerent and useless drunk! You're far better off without him!

You had a 3 hour nap after a pretty much sleepless night (at least partly his fault!) he did sod all aside from drink, moan, and languish in his pit most of the day!

Totally unacceptable when there's a baby in the house!

he absolutely has issues with alcohol and has previously admitted to being a functional alcoholic

This is quite a turnaround from your earlier comments!

And he's not functioning as a partner and father is he! He's not even present!

how much of his moods are my "fault"

Zero - the only person responsible for his "moods" are him!

Addicts lie and they NEVER take responsibility

Seriously - leave asap!

ChargingBuck · 01/11/2021 15:26

@TheBlueBear89

Sorry I should have put in the OP, he absolutely has issues with alcohol and has previously admitted to being a functional alcoholic. He would normally drink 2 litre bottles of vodka over a week. So I do the majority of childcare etc. I'm absolutely not minimising the issue and I know it seems like I'm completely naive to the real issue, but at the minute I'm wondering how much of his moods are my "fault" and how much is his drinking. I realise it may be an irrelevant question to even ask, but he has blamed me in the past for his unhappiness.
He's not functional.

He is incapable of looking after his child properly.

He views you doing 21 hours to his 3, as you doing nothing for your child that day.

He's always in a mood, he's vile to you, his drinking escalated when you became pregnant ... he's emotionally abusing you OP.

Do you want to leave him?

Original poster
TheBlueBear89 · 01/11/2021 15:30

Thank you for all your posts everyone. It's much appreciated. To clarify a few points, when we first got together he drank quote a bit, but I was unaware of the full extent until after I moved in (which was after I became pregnant). When I first moved in i began to realise it was more than just 'enjoying a drink. We spoke about it and he admitted he had issues. He massively cut down from then on but after DD was born he began to drink again quite heavily. He is the epitome of a functioning alcoholic. High powered, well paid job, well groomed etc. To the outside world he's a pillar of the community. Most of the time when drinking he's pleasant. Nevertheless I never let him be alone with DD when drinking as it's just not safe. Because he works shifts, he would get anything between 2-4 days off a week. As he's on AL at the minute he's been drinking even more- Friday, Saturday and last night. In that period he drank approx 1.5 litres of vodka. DD was at her grandparents on Friday as I was working. As for asking why I don't leave, the main reason is health issues, which is why I'm only part time at the minute. If I'm being entirely honest, another reason is because he is normally quite good to me and DD adores him. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father (and I'm sure the similarities are not coincidental), I know all too well the damage it can have on a child and I know that makes it even more shameful that I stay. My father was very abusive when drunk both to my siblings and I and my mum. As DP is normally quite placid when drinking I guess it doesn't seem as "bad". Someone asked do I love hi. This made me think. Yes I do but I often don't like him and I'm sure there are elements of co dependency mixed in with love.

OP posts: