Is he an arsehole or am I annoying?

[TheBlueBear89]

Will try and keep this brief. Been with DP a few years, have a DD together who is 12 months. He stayed up until 5am yesterday (sunday) morning after having 'a few' drinks Saturday night. I slept poorly due to him snoring and DD being unsettled. When he woke at 1400 yesterday I asked him would he mind if I had a nap. He grumbled about it a bit but grudgingly agreed. I slept longer than intended (until 1700) and when I came downstairs he said "oh it's nice of you to join us". I was still quite sleepy and said "don't start". He became very annoyed and started going on about how I couldn't take a joke. He then went back up to bed until 2200 and only went downstairs after i put DD to bed (she's been unwell after jabs and sleeping pattern is all over the place). I suggested we watch a film together but he didn't want to so I went to bed. Before I went to bed I asked could I have a neck rub and he said no as he "just wanted to chill."
He came up around 0300 after drinking approx half a bottle of vodka. DD was very unsettled again through the night and he made no effort to help. I finally got her settled at 9am and went upstairs to see what DP was at. He was awake and playing a game on his phone. I asked him could I come in for a quick cuddle and he got very annoyed saying I'm so needy and don't give him any space. I was taken aback by this as he would frequently ask me for neck/back rubs etc. I said to him I didn't think I was asking much, considering I had watched DD for all but three hours the day before. He became more irate saying that I done very little with DD yesterday and if I was going to be like that he would go downstairs and I could stay up. I knew he would be in a foul mood the rest of the day if I stayed in bed so I went down to DD. A while later I went up to see if he wanted anything from the shop. He was extremely dry and made it clear he wanted nothing from me (including a back rub) I apologised for being annoying and he said I was always looking attention at inopportune moments and that I needed to behave more like an adult and it was such a turn off. He's currently still in bed and to be honest I'm glad as dont want to see him. But I'm looking to see if anyone else's partner/h can be like this? At times it feels like he can't stand me at all. I do realise I am coming across as a complete doormat in the post but I apologised a) for a quiet life b) hoping to get an apology back c) I'm wondering if he is right and that I am actually very annoying.

You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up and now history is indeed repeating itself with your child now exposed to her alcoholic father. Codependency and alcoholism do indeed go hand in hand and you were taught by one or other parent to behave so. It has done you no favours at all.

Abusive people can be nice sometimes because if they were not, no-one would want to be with them. What you're seeing from this man now is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

You have a choice re this man, she does not. Make better choices for both you and she going forward. Do talk to Womens Aid about leaving him safely with your child. Its not going to wash with her that your health issues prevented you from leaving him and your relationship with her as a result could become damaged beyond repair. Do not do this to you and your child; all that is happening now is that both you and she are being dragged down with him.

I’m not sure I have more specific advice beyond what’s already been stated, but I strongly suggest therapy. I too have an alcoholic father and as you know, it’s no way to grow up.

Besides that, make sure you are on effective birth control.

Children love their parents anyway no matter how rubbish they actually are. I would think our DD will not further adore him as much as fear him and his reactions as she ages.

She might adore him but he's incapable of caring for her.

What happens when he picks her up from school after he's had a drink? What happens when he's so hungover he spends so time with her at all? What happens when his drinking becomes a danger to her?

He sounds absolutely vile. Why are you putting up with this?!

@AttilaTheMeerkat do you mind me asking asking if you have a background in psychotherapy/counselling etc? I've read posts of yours on other threads and you always give very insightful, thought provoking advice. How much insight do you think abusive people have? Do you think it's a conscious decision to have a jekyll and Hyde type personality? Or more that the mask slips? Or rather they try very hard to be nice but the addiction robs them of empathy? I know the question may seem irrelevant, after all abuse is abuse no matter what/why/how but it would be interesting to know. Also, is it common for alcoholics to lose interest in their partners sexually but rather meet their needs through porn? Both my father and 'd'p are guilty of this. It really is rather depressing how much history is repeating itself but as you and PP have said, I am entirely accountable for my own actions. That's one of the reasons I returned to work was to put money away in a nest egg for if when I leave

You are definitely not annoying.

At least you are being brutally honest that you see a repeating pattern in your father and your partner. You will probably stay for the reasons you are quoting which is so very sad. Are you happy for your child to repeat this pattern when they have a relationship and a baby? If not and you cherish your child I would make plans to exit as soon as you can. Keep putting money away and when you are ready leave and save not only yourself but the future relationships of your lovely child.

No re counselling background.

You have a choice even now re this man, your daughter does not. If you indeed do have some money behind you use this to extricate yourself from your alcoholic partner. Your man knows to some extent what he is doing but he does not care. All he sees is you "nagging" and interfering with his drinking time. His thoughts centre around alcohol and where the next drink is going to come from. He has no empathy and the act he showed you initially was just that, an act and one at that he could never even begin to hope to maintain. Your background was ideal for him because your boundaries, already skewed, are being further messed with by this individual now. And he is a porn hound too, not all that surprising either.

Oh OP what an awful set up. You can't see it clearly because you're right in the thick of it but what you describe is a horribly dysfunctional family.

It is normal for life to revolve around the needs of an infant and this is not happening in your home.

Your baby needs a routine and to have her parents sober and with her interests uppermost.

At the moment the household revolves around a raging alcoholic and no-one is OK.

Your baby will settle if her parents are settled and in tune with her needs. Until you and she are far away from this man, that cannot happen.

Please get professional help. He is not going to change until he decides to. Your only choice here is to change your response to his behaviour and frankly I would advise leaving.

What is your sex life like ?
If he wants to be alone, and is t interested in you , is it possible he’s watching porn ?

@GoodnightGrandma

What is your sex life like ? If he wants to be alone, and is t interested in you , is it possible he’s watching porn ?

Seriously? The man is drowning in alcohol, functioning is an issue. Sex will be way down the list of priorities here.

Let’s wait and see shall we.

It's easier for him to use porn as he only has to sort himself out.

Do you want your DD to grow up and think that a relationship with a pisshead an alcoholic is what she should aspire to?

Does he ever drive or operate heavy machinery?

How many times did DD need seeing to when he was up drinking until 0400? He never noticed did he? At least he never (thankfully) offered or tried to help.

Come on , OP. You know what you need to do.
And no, of course he has no insight. His brain is being poisoned, how could he have insight?

I have just divorced my alcoholic husband. He used to blame me for everything and I use dto do everything despite being the main earner. He would blame me for his alcoholism and would pick a fight so he could storm of and drink upstairs. He only looked after the baby for 1 full day when I had a sickness and diarrhoea bug and I had to beg him to take out child out the bathroom as I couldn't leave the toilet at 8.30 At 3.30pm He passed him back saying he had done enough.
He got worse and worse at home (still has a job) and I had to leave due to the violence and his paranoia.
I would encourage you to attend an alanon meeting it's for the friends and families of alcoholics. Unless he is completely dry and getting help he will only get worse.
I bet you have a lovely personality don't let him convince you otherwise. It might be worth reading up on Co dependent relationships too.
I wish you the best it's physically and mentally draining being with an alcoholic.

@litterbird no I definitely would want more for DD when she is older. I know that it's worse that I experienced the same problems growing up and still expose DD to a similar situation. My mum at least had the excuse of ignorance in regards to how it would affect us. Like I said, I suppose I always felt my own father was worse as he would have screamed at us/ hit us, whereas DP doesn't do that to me. Nor could I ever see him doing it to DD but of course alcoholics are very unpredictable. And I know that even if he is never 'properly' abusive DD would still pick up on the atmosphere between me and her dad which would be very damaging in itself. @AttilaTheMeerkat again you have made some very good points. Can I ask why it's not surprising re the porn? Is that common with alcoholics? As for pp asking about the porn use, we do have sex but I suspect he is more interested in porn. I caught him (accidentally) watching it recently shortly after i left the house (had returned to get something). I'm by no means a 'cool wife, I personally hate porn but I am aware that the vast majority of men watch it. Of course there are some who don't, but I suspect they are unfortunately in the minority. It is normally me who initiates intimacy and I feel that he sometimes views it as a chore. I don't know whether this ties into the alcohol use or if I just don't interest him.

@roarfeckingroarr

It sounds very odd. Why does he spend half the day in bed on a regular basis?

Porn and wanking, avoiding the family and responsibilities ?

'Properly abusive'

He already is Properly Abusive.

Don't be scared about being lonely, you are probably more lonely with him there than not.

I left mine, I figured it was always going to happen eventually and I would rather my DC be too young to remember.

[quote TheBlueBear89]@IslaPineappple yeah it does smack of desperation I know. I honestly don't know why I bother. I think in a way it was yo ascertain just how much of a bad moos he was in. When he's very annoyed he refuses everything. When he's moderately annoyed he would be agreeable. I feel like I've done something wrong but not sure what it is. Literally the only thing I can think of is when I told him not to "start" yesterday. He maybe was just joking but anytime I nap (which is rarely) he will often remark on it once I get up.[/quote]
Not desperation: you are not assessing the risk here. 1/2 bottle of vodka- and you thought he was an appropriate adult to look after lo?

I'm very sorry to hear you went through all that @Coffeesnob11, that sounds awful. You must have felt so lonely and resentful throughout your marriage. It must be easier for you now without having to worry about a man child too. It's amazing how well some alcoholics "function" outside of the home and no one is any the wiser to what they are really like. Thank you very much for your kind wishes. @Peppaismyrolemodel sorry I maybe wasn't clear in my previous posts, he drank approx half a bottle last night when DD was in bed. He wasn't watching her when drinking. He had her for three hours yesterday afternoon but wasn't drinking then (although admittedly He would have been hungover from the previous night)

I wouldn't be living with an alcoholic who stays up all night and I wouldn't want my child living with that either.

Don't you see you've made choices in your life that has recreated your abusive childhood? Your infant daughter's role is you as an innocent child,you are now your enabling mother and your husband is your alcoholic father?! It's heartbreaking to think the awful things you've suffered and now,potentially,your daughter may as well. It DOESN'T HAVE to be that way! You cannot force him to stop being an alcoholic it must be his choice to change. You need to make plans to be the sole caregiver and provider for your daughter. I beg you to look into Al-Anon and please talk to your friends and family in real life and seek counseling for yourself as well

I think your first mistake was asking if he'd mind if you had a nap. My advice is ask if he's had a nice sleep, say you're tired as baby not letting your sleep and you're going for a nap.

The alcohol issue is different. All I can say is I was married to an alcoholic and I got divorced. My father drank himself to death, I understand as he had demons from the war and it was self medication but no comfort when you are a kid and see your dad drunk and see him dying. I didn't want that for my kids so I got out.

Addiction is so hard but you have to think of yourself and the baby.

A 12 month old does not "adore " anyone to start with .... why on earth are you living like this ? It's not normal . Don't you want to have a better life than this for you and your daughter ?

Yeah he's an arsehole and a drunk,