Is he an arsehole or am I annoying?

[TheBlueBear89]

Will try and keep this brief. Been with DP a few years, have a DD together who is 12 months. He stayed up until 5am yesterday (sunday) morning after having 'a few' drinks Saturday night. I slept poorly due to him snoring and DD being unsettled. When he woke at 1400 yesterday I asked him would he mind if I had a nap. He grumbled about it a bit but grudgingly agreed. I slept longer than intended (until 1700) and when I came downstairs he said "oh it's nice of you to join us". I was still quite sleepy and said "don't start". He became very annoyed and started going on about how I couldn't take a joke. He then went back up to bed until 2200 and only went downstairs after i put DD to bed (she's been unwell after jabs and sleeping pattern is all over the place). I suggested we watch a film together but he didn't want to so I went to bed. Before I went to bed I asked could I have a neck rub and he said no as he "just wanted to chill."
He came up around 0300 after drinking approx half a bottle of vodka. DD was very unsettled again through the night and he made no effort to help. I finally got her settled at 9am and went upstairs to see what DP was at. He was awake and playing a game on his phone. I asked him could I come in for a quick cuddle and he got very annoyed saying I'm so needy and don't give him any space. I was taken aback by this as he would frequently ask me for neck/back rubs etc. I said to him I didn't think I was asking much, considering I had watched DD for all but three hours the day before. He became more irate saying that I done very little with DD yesterday and if I was going to be like that he would go downstairs and I could stay up. I knew he would be in a foul mood the rest of the day if I stayed in bed so I went down to DD. A while later I went up to see if he wanted anything from the shop. He was extremely dry and made it clear he wanted nothing from me (including a back rub) I apologised for being annoying and he said I was always looking attention at inopportune moments and that I needed to behave more like an adult and it was such a turn off. He's currently still in bed and to be honest I'm glad as dont want to see him. But I'm looking to see if anyone else's partner/h can be like this? At times it feels like he can't stand me at all. I do realise I am coming across as a complete doormat in the post but I apologised a) for a quiet life b) hoping to get an apology back c) I'm wondering if he is right and that I am actually very annoying.

Interested to learn what shift job is "high powered" most are nmw or not much better

I think you're too close to it to see the problems here. You are repeating your own childhood is that what you want for your dd?

My dad was also "pillar of the community" type but behind closed doors was a very different story

Being ill yourself is no reason to stay. I raised my dd as a disabled single mum it can be done and I would choose that every time over raising her in a household with an alcoholic (not that I had to make that choice as ex and I split for other frankly lesser reasons - his infidelity)

Whatever your health issues staying with him won't be helping them

Emotional abuse is imo far more insidious and more damaging long term than other forms of abuse. My father was violent and sexually abusive but the emotional abuse is and has been the hardest part for us all to deal with do not underestimate that and don't think just because dd is very little at the moment that she isn't reacting to that

There's a lot of research which shows abuse has a detrimental effect even at very young ages

He is abusive now and on a regular basis

He wasn't watching her when drinking.

Yea cos alcoholics never hide how much or when they're drinking...

He isn't fit to care for her, even when he isn't actively drinking he is likely still under the effects or hungover. I sincerely hope you don't allow him to drive dd ever I wouldn't trust him

I repeat - the very best thing you can do for your dd is to leave ASAP!

No amount of income makes up for being raised in an abusive home with an addict

No reason here why you should stay

Get rid of him, waste of your time. X

Police, national rail and nhs both have plenty of high paid shift work roles

I feel so much empathy for you Blue Bear. You're trying so hard to work it all out but you're not the problem. I was in a relationship like this and it has taken me years to work it out and stop blaming myself. I thought I wasn't enough, or that I was annoying, or that I was crazy...but it was just him. He was an alcoholic who could do a very good job at faking his feelings and behaviour to reel me back in when needed. I look back and I can't believe I let him treat me the way he did - I felt sick to my stomach for about 75% of the time that I was with him...I was a bag of nerves but also very defensive of him and our relationship.

Please leave him. And stop blaming yourself. He won't change...he will always be an alcoholic until he decides to make a change. It has to come from him and can't be from a fear of losing you and your dc. He might go on and have other relationships but he will do the same in those. My ex rampaged through another couple of relationships before destroying himself and those around him completely.

I'm really sorry if I'm projecting here but you sound like me 20 years ago. And I wish I had done more to protect myself because I let him impact on me and my wellbeing for a really long time. I saw myself through his eyes with whatever I did or said and I really didn't like myself. I've left that all behind now and I've got a really happy life now wth a very respectful husband who would do anything for me, as I would for him. You deserve so much better.

@Graphista my ex partner is a senior engineer and works shifts, also earns a 6 figure salary x

Thank you everyone for replying, particularly those who shares personal stories of their own experiences with alcoholics. I asked him this evening what had put him in a bad mood yesterday and his reply was that I had annoyed him. I tried to explain that it was a very disproportionate reaction to me looking a cuddle (fair enough if it came across as needy but nevertheless it was still an over reaction). He cut me off whilst I was trying to speak and basically told me that I should know when to leave things alone and to stop bringing it up or he would be in a bad mood again. So it basically seems he can do/say whatever he wants but if I dare question his behaviour then it's my fault for putting him I'm a bad mood again.

I would be running for the hills op,sending hugs x

Seriously just leave! You are not responsible for his moods!

I can still remember (I'm 49 I left home at 16) the way my stomach would tangle into knots the SECOND I heard dads key in the door at the end of the day not knowing what mood he'd be in!

It's no way to live - he is training you to be his emotional punch bag and possibly worse.

This is far too toxic for you or your child. Get out ASAP and do not even think about going back

You CAN manage on your own and you'll be much healthier and happier for it

Sounds like a cunt to me! Why are you living like this?

I'm starting to realise the problem is most definitely him and not me. When I finished work yesterday he started drinking again (5th night in a row). I was exhausted and was hoping he would watch DD for a bit. Stayed up until age fell asleep (11pm) whilst he drank until 2am and is snoring merrily away in bed now.

I’m so sorry, he sounds appallingly immature & quite gaslighty. Not a man you could depend on.

He's a functioning alcoholic currently well on his way to being a non-functioning alcoholic. I hope you realise that this relationship needs to end, for your DD's sake as well as for yours. Please do keep squirreling away money and planning your escape, and try to make it sooner rather than later. It isn't going to get better, and it absolutely isn't you.

Yes I'm definitely getting my ducks in a row as they say on here. @Graphista I know that feeling all too well of they key in the door both with P and my father. I remember with my dad literally running to my bedroom everyday when I heard him come in. I despised Christmas and other holidays too as hated him being off work and at home all the time. It really does make me feel ashamed that I'm letting history repeat itself. My mums excuse was that she couldn't have coped with my brother by herself (he was/is severely autistic and was extremely violent). And in fairness she absolutely could not have coped with him by herself and social services were useless. I know it seems trite to say about health issues holding me to ransom but I honestly do think if it wasn't these issues I would have left long ago. Ironically the issues developed due to pregnancy and in a way its affected the bond with DD, especially as she shows clear favouritism towards her dad. I know that isn't rational or normal thinking and it does shame to admit it but it just seems that despite being a nasty, abusive alcoholic everything always turns out sunny side up for him. Apologies for the rant, really went off at a tangent there.

Please don't drown yourself in shame. It's very normal for people to subconsciously recreate relationships of their parents. It doesn't need to stay that way though. Some psychoeducation, counselling and/or parenting course, can do wonders for supporting adults to change inter-personal relationship patterns.

OP, your DD is we months old. She's not showing favouritism. She's picking up on how stressed and miserable you are (which stresses her out) and on how your OH is none of those things (because he doesn't give a shit about anyone else and is perfectly at ease with how he is). That's all.

I remember with my dad literally running to my bedroom everyday when I heard him come in

Yep! Same here

I've just been saying on another thread -

Growing up with and addicted parent:

Never knowing what mood they'll be in and treading on eggshells CONSTANTLY to avoid "making" them have a bad mood

Not enough money for basic needs

Dreading the next "binge"

Dreading things like Xmas as that gives them an excuse to indulge their addiction

Feeling different to other kids but not really being able to understand or express why

Being embarrassed when addict parent is drunk/high and does something impulsive/reckless

Getting in the car with them driving you somewhere and not knowing if their safe to drive and being TERRIFIED of each journey but not feeling safe to say so or refuse to get in the car

Home ALWAYS being tense due to moods/outbursts/violence

Not feeling able to invite friends for sleepovers as they might notice something and tell people

Not feeling safe in your own home - not always due to dv/abuse but if drugs/gambling are involved perhaps due to dodgy dealers/bookies chasing money owed etc (one of my relatives was actually held for ransom because of their parents gambling debts to a gang)

Hiding valuable items so the addict doesn't sell them/steal them

Worrying about losing your home due to the debt caused - gambling relative has lost TWO owned homes over the years.

Ring any bells any of that? I know you don't want that for your dd

My mums excuse was she couldn't have coped with the stigma of being a single mum and that at least he brought in a decent wage. But I don't think those are good enough plus the good wage was being pissed away anyway!

I think there was also a fair bit of catholic guilt involved even though her parents and family wouldn't have cared about that and told her so on numerous occasions. There were times my uncles and granda had to be physically prevented from going for my dad when they'd see mum had a bruise or limp or whatever. I think actually the only thing that stopped them was knowing it would lead to another battering for mum.

It's no way to live.

Yes you do have a problem.... HIM

Hes a nasty drunken arse.

He’s a bloody mess of a manchild. He wouldn’t come anywhere near my baby.

None of his moods and nastiness are your fault. Some of it is the alcohol and some is just him being a nasty person, impossible to tell how much. This isn’t a relationship and it never really was, you moved in when pregnant and only then found out he’s an alcoholic. Time to work out how to move out again. You are obviously capable of it given he can’t do much in the way of parenting.