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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Rate my Pros and Cons list!

55 replies

Conflicted7 · 31/10/2021 23:33

Hello Internet strangers, thank you for the advice I've already received!

Following a previous post I was advised to make a list of pros and cons; stay or leave. 35M, 1 child. Married 3 years, together 10.

There are more points in the stay column than leave, has anyone done one of these before? What are your opinions on my reasons?

Why leave

1.I am not physically or emotionally attracted to her. The romantic relationship has always been difficult (previously sex was 3-4 times per year) now I would say that is dead. I have not cheated but certainly cannot see myself lasting a lifetime without doing this as I am not satisfied in this relationship. We are not in love.

2.We have little in common really, we fill time together with mutual friends and computer games but we are bored in each others company. If I had my time again I would not marry this person

3.Neither sets of parents are particularly enamoured with their son/daughter inlaw, we have very different backgrounds.

Why stay

1.She is the mother of our 6 month old child. We never argue (there is no passion), would it be unfair on the child to split so young. Could I be a single parent?

2.From an external perspective we have everything, good jobs, financially secure and she is a domestic goddess. People would think I’m mad for leaving.

3.She has very few friends and I think it would be devastating for her should we separate. She has said as much and still loves me.

4.There is the warmth of stability and financial security that comes with being in a marriage.

5.The thought of stepping into the unknown, potentially being single and lonely frightens me, at 35 I have never lived alone or been single. Would I cope?

And advice would be very welcome x

OP posts:

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 23:43

I would end it while you still have a good chance to keep things amicable.

The only point I would consider is that with a 6m child she's still going to be vulnerable as a new mother and the prospect of being a single parent is likely to be much more overwhelming and worrying for her than for you.

Whether you choose to delay splitting until your child is a bit older so you can share the rough nights and early childcare while supporting her is entirely up to you. There are pros and cons to both and you'd have a mix of responses here as to which is fairest.

There's also a strong argument for not making the choice for her.

Whatever you decide to do, on the basis of this post (I haven't seen previous threads), I wouldn't rush you decision.

sunnyzweibrucken · 31/10/2021 23:49

Definitely go. Not one of your pros is worth staying with someone and being unhappy.

I was a single parent, I chose not to be with my dd’s father as I knew that the fact that we didn’t live each other and had a toxic relationship it wouldn’t be fair to raise a child in that environment. My dd is now 25 , well balanced, graduated high school and college with honors. And she has a relationship with her df. So I think it all depends on the situation, how the parents get along, how involved both parents are in the dcs life will determine how the dc manages it.

Singlemum12432 · 01/11/2021 11:03

Definitely stay, the score is 5-3 if you weigh them all equally.

AnaViaSalamanca · 01/11/2021 11:27

I might be flamed for this, but what the hell? What about commitment? what about responsibility? You are making a pros and cons list to leave the mother of your 6 month old baby. How cold can a person be???

Why did you go ahead and have a child if your relationship was not good and you were ambivalent about her and had nothing in common?

Snugglebum20 · 01/11/2021 11:38

@AnaViaSalamanca The OP can still be a responsible parent even if they don't live with the mother/child.

OP - can you afford to leave ? you will have to financially support yourself and pay maintenance for your child and possibly pay spousal for your ex wife

GentlemanJay · 01/11/2021 11:40

Wow. The pros and cons list could have been written by me.

I left six years ago. The best thing I ever did. I wish I'd done it five years earlier.

You are putting off the inevitable. You know it will happen one day. Like me you need time to pluck up the courage to do it. I wish you the best of luck.

Pythone · 01/11/2021 11:42

The first two cons seem to outweigh any possible pros, if what you care about is having a romantic relationship in your life. It's not a relationship, it's purely co-parenting. Is that what you want?

Wherearemymarbles · 01/11/2021 11:48

Definitely go. I think one of the biggest mistakes people can make is to stay until they can no longer take it
So rather than divorcing when you still basically like each other on a platonic level you do it when you hate each others guts.

Pythone · 01/11/2021 11:50

@AnaViaSalamanca

Why did you go ahead and have a child if your relationship was not good and you were ambivalent about her and had nothing in common?

And sorry to be harsh but I do agree with the second point here - obviously it's done now, but why did you think it was a good idea to have a child? If you do leave now, your wife will be in many ways in a worse position than if you'd taken the decision beforehand (if things were the same then, which it sounds like they were). Just something to think about for future relationships.

Viviennemary · 01/11/2021 11:53

I really don't get why you married this person in the first place. And then added a baby to this relationship before deciding you might want out.

Original poster

Conflicted7 · 01/11/2021 12:55

@AnaViaSalamanca it does feel very cold which is not how I normally am, I don't really feel any emotion towards her. She was very keen on a child and is a wonderful mother, to the outside world our life seems very good.

OP posts:

Original poster

Conflicted7 · 01/11/2021 12:58

@Wherearemymarbles thank you for your reply, I do feel if we separated now it could certainly be amicable

OP posts:

Original poster

Conflicted7 · 01/11/2021 13:05

@Pythone why we married is something to reflect on. I had a significant anxiety disorder which I have come through. On the other side of this you do start to wonder if the "nobody else would ever have you", "you wouldn't cope alone" are actually true.

Unfortunately probably a large foundation of our relationship was built on fear of abandonment and being alone. I did try to leave after being together for 2 years which is a strange thing to say. I moved out when she was away for a holiday but ultimately we got back together.

When you type these onto forums it sounds crazy and you cannot really expect people to understand but the fear and angst that anxiety disorders hit you with can be severe.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 01/11/2021 13:06

It get said all the time, but life is short OP.

After tragically losing someone very close to me I realised that we need to live happy.

Going through a split is traumatic though, and for sure a lot of those times you may not be very happy.

It depends how unhappy you and your wife are. There is a lot more to it than the list you have made.

Original poster

Conflicted7 · 01/11/2021 13:12

@isthismylifenow what other big things would you say I need to consider?

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 01/11/2021 13:14

Do it. Your ‘stays’ aren’t worth staying for.
Don’t waste your life.

Sakurami · 01/11/2021 13:19

Why tf did you marry and have a child with someone you have no feelings for??

You say she loves you so went ahead with marriage and child in good faith.

Yes, for her sake, leave her and free her to find a man who does love her for more than being a domestic goddess.

Regarding sex : are you any good in bed? Because if you're shit then it is just another chore.

And do you pull your weight at home? Because many women can't be arsed having sex with men who don't pull their weight and treat them like an equal.

And it is telling that you have nothing in common and therefore are not spending fun quality time together. For me, foreplay starts a long time before sex. The last thing I would want to do is sleep with someone who hadn't connected with me in the day.

Hope my list is helpful

MollyButton · 01/11/2021 13:19

I would add that splitting whilst your child is so young is a positive. Their normal will be separated parents and not something to have to adjust to.

Mediation might be helpful to make the split a positive one.

Original poster

Conflicted7 · 01/11/2021 13:26

@Sakurami yes it helpful.

I think you are right in that she will be happier in the longer term.

I honestly have no idea if I am good in bed or not. We never really had that sexual a relationship, if practice makes perfect then I would say probably not.

Yes I do my share of the housework!

OP posts:

daisyjgrey · 01/11/2021 13:38

Your relationship is dead. End it and give your child the chance to grow up seeing her parents be happy with other people, not miserable with each other.

isthismylifenow · 01/11/2021 14:48

[quote Conflicted7]@isthismylifenow what other big things would you say I need to consider?[/quote]
Childcare. Will you split that 50/50.? It seems like your wife works so will she be the main care giver? . As your baby is so young, I assume so. She will then be working (full time?) with a young child. And if 50/50 you are fine with having baby alone on your nights then working full time as well.

Where will you both live? Can you each afford to live independently. You can never have the same lifestyle on one income as you can with two. So are holidays and way of life important to you?

You say your wife doesn't have many friends? Why is this? Do you both have other support networks?

It is easy to say you plan for your split to be amicable. In reality it doesn't always work out that way. Always remember the person you marry is not the same person you divorce.

Have you considered a trial separation? . All couples go through patches that are rough. But only you can know if this something that can be patched up or if it's time to move on.

Just some things to consider. But it's important to be happy. Living in an unhappy situation makes everyone miserable.

Good luck OP

ParkingPassG0 · 01/11/2021 16:54

Why did you create a baby if you felt this way ?

So easy for you to walk away

How about taking some responsibility as a father & partner/husband ?

Iknowhowyoufeeltoo · 01/11/2021 21:11

@Conflicted7 I am also in a similar situation to you and I’m not sure what to do for the best. I think our marriage has reached the point of no return but actually finalising everything is so difficult.

@GentlemanJay If you don’t mind me asking, if you had children, how old were they when you separated and how did they take the actual separation? Did you try marriage guidance before things came to an end?

Sorry for all the questions!

GentlemanJay · 01/11/2021 21:29

My children were 16 and 12. I think they managed well. My ex may have a different view.

You are just putting off the inevitable.

Lana07 · 01/11/2021 21:56

Did you ask her why you have sex so rarely?

Why wouldn't you ask her honestly if she thinks you are good in bed for her?

I'd give it one last try. Counselling as well. If not - divorce and be happy with someone else.

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