Rate my Pros and Cons list!

[Conflicted7]

Hello Internet strangers, thank you for the advice I've already received!

Following a previous post I was advised to make a list of pros and cons; stay or leave. 35M, 1 child. Married 3 years, together 10.

There are more points in the stay column than leave, has anyone done one of these before? What are your opinions on my reasons?

Why leave

1.I am not physically or emotionally attracted to her. The romantic relationship has always been difficult (previously sex was 3-4 times per year) now I would say that is dead. I have not cheated but certainly cannot see myself lasting a lifetime without doing this as I am not satisfied in this relationship. We are not in love.

2.We have little in common really, we fill time together with mutual friends and computer games but we are bored in each others company. If I had my time again I would not marry this person

3.Neither sets of parents are particularly enamoured with their son/daughter inlaw, we have very different backgrounds.

Why stay

1.She is the mother of our 6 month old child. We never argue (there is no passion), would it be unfair on the child to split so young. Could I be a single parent?

2.From an external perspective we have everything, good jobs, financially secure and she is a domestic goddess. People would think I’m mad for leaving.

3.She has very few friends and I think it would be devastating for her should we separate. She has said as much and still loves me.

4.There is the warmth of stability and financial security that comes with being in a marriage.

5.The thought of stepping into the unknown, potentially being single and lonely frightens me, at 35 I have never lived alone or been single. Would I cope?

And advice would be very welcome x

Families are loosely Christian but no Conservative/ Traditional family issues.

@Conflicted7

Families are loosely Christian but no Conservative/ Traditional family issues.

In that case definitely try to take this on board - it's beneficial for children in comparison to them growing up in tense homes where they learn couples aren't affectionate and don't have fun together but just coexist and walk on eggshells etc which is where your relationship is headed.

So don't let any stigma around divorce make you doubt that it's better for a child to have two amicable, loving co-parents rather than growing up in that environment. It's the right thing to do!

I think your fear of 'starting again' is what's holding you back from ending the relationship rather than a sort of duty of care / obligation to remain married. Do you think that might be the case?

Yes I think that is certainly the case. The idea of "starting again" really is quite frightening

Would it help to think of it not as "starting again" but "starting a new chapter"?

When one period of your life ends (a location, a relationship, a job...) you don't go back to page one. You turn the page and move on to the next page. You don't start again with nothing, you move on with all the experience you've gained and the life you've lived - the good bits and the bad bits. That's all any of us are doing.

And beware the sunk cost fallacy, where you thin you've put so much time and/or effort into something that you can't let it end. Ending it doesn't mean you wasted your time. Everything you experienced will be valuable moving forwards.

@gannett sorry for the late reply, that is a very nice and positive approach to a difficult situation, it would help to adopt that mindset