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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rate my Pros and Cons list!

55 replies

Conflicted7 · 31/10/2021 23:33

Hello Internet strangers, thank you for the advice I've already received!

Following a previous post I was advised to make a list of pros and cons; stay or leave. 35M, 1 child. Married 3 years, together 10.

There are more points in the stay column than leave, has anyone done one of these before? What are your opinions on my reasons?

Why leave

1.I am not physically or emotionally attracted to her. The romantic relationship has always been difficult (previously sex was 3-4 times per year) now I would say that is dead. I have not cheated but certainly cannot see myself lasting a lifetime without doing this as I am not satisfied in this relationship. We are not in love.

2.We have little in common really, we fill time together with mutual friends and computer games but we are bored in each others company. If I had my time again I would not marry this person

3.Neither sets of parents are particularly enamoured with their son/daughter inlaw, we have very different backgrounds.

Why stay

1.She is the mother of our 6 month old child. We never argue (there is no passion), would it be unfair on the child to split so young. Could I be a single parent?

2.From an external perspective we have everything, good jobs, financially secure and she is a domestic goddess. People would think I’m mad for leaving.

3.She has very few friends and I think it would be devastating for her should we separate. She has said as much and still loves me.

4.There is the warmth of stability and financial security that comes with being in a marriage.

5.The thought of stepping into the unknown, potentially being single and lonely frightens me, at 35 I have never lived alone or been single. Would I cope?

And advice would be very welcome x

OP posts:
Iknowhowyoufeeltoo · 01/11/2021 22:01

I understand that and it’s most likely I am but there are so many reasons that hold me back, not mentioning practical reasons, such as affording another mortgage, rentals are extortionate in my area and I don’t know how and if I’d manage on my salary alone.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 01/11/2021 22:02

What are your plans with regard to your child? (It may just not have been the focus but you don't sound terribly attached)

Comedycook · 01/11/2021 22:04

Gosh, that list is brutal....not attracted to her but she keeps the house cleans is what it seems to boil down to...

Original poster
Conflicted7 · 01/11/2021 23:09

@isthismylifenow that list is very helpful and certainly food for thought. Yes I would go 50/50 with childcare. From what evidence I can see children who are raised with Co-parents seem to do well compared to a hostile marriage.

@ParkingPassG0 I would say that discussed openly and canvassing opinion from experienced folk is taking responsibility. I need to be accountable for my decision and am looking to get as much knowledge as possible before deciding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conflicted7 · 01/11/2021 23:15

@Comedycook yes it is one of the great benefits of this site that you can open up anonymously, I could never say this to anyone in person

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower we would go 50/50 she is happy with this and we have openly discussed it. My baby is my number 1 priority in life as for many parents.

@Lana07 yes we discussed the dead bedroom so frequently, often things would change but then revert. She states she has always had a very low libido. From previous relationships I honestly would believe I'm average but I'm not sure if I was mind blowing things would be much different!

OP posts:
PerseverancePays · 01/11/2021 23:37

It sounds like counselling/mediation working towards the best possible separation would be the way to go. That way you both have time and space to work through your emotions and the gritty detail.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 02/11/2021 07:10

@PerseverancePays

It sounds like counselling/mediation working towards the best possible separation would be the way to go. That way you both have time and space to work through your emotions and the gritty detail.
Yeah agree with this. Based on what you said go for aimiable coparenting.
Anothernick · 02/11/2021 07:45

You say you are not physically or romantically attracted to her yet you have been together more than 10 years and in the past you split and then came back together. Surely there must have been more to it than fear of loneliness? I suggest that you might be redefining your past on the basis of your present - something we all tend to do I think. It's interesting that lack of sex is no 1 on your cons list, this is a very big con of course, in fact based on my experience (30 year marriage) a sexual connection is what gets you through the bad times when you feel, as you do, that the bonds between you are weakening. Somehow it all seems less important when sex is good. If you could revive your sex life I think your view of your marriage could well change.

gannett · 02/11/2021 10:46

5.The thought of stepping into the unknown, potentially being single and lonely frightens me, at 35 I have never lived alone or been single. Would I cope?

Just want to point out that this fear is what got you into this mess in the first place, ie you were so afraid of being single and alone that you got married and had an entire child with someone you didn't love and weren't even attracted to.

That's a depressingly familiar scenario on the Relationships board albeit more often from the woman's point of view.

Embrace the idea of being alone. Learn to love yourself and learn to find fulfilment in a single life. That way, you won't have to cling on to someone as a liferaft when you don't even fancy them.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 02/11/2021 10:58

This is so depressing and actually makes me angry.

You should never have brought a child into what was clearly not something you were fully committed too even before the baby came along. That is so stupid. Did you even want to be father?

You should have been a decent person and left her before having a child.

This isn’t just about you anymore but whatever you do decide make sure that baby comes first above all else.

Bluebells34 · 02/11/2021 11:04

The very fact you have made a pro's and con's list is bad enough - she would be devastated if she found that

Choccyaddict4eva · 02/11/2021 11:07

@Conflicted7

Hello Internet strangers, thank you for the advice I've already received!

Following a previous post I was advised to make a list of pros and cons; stay or leave. 35M, 1 child. Married 3 years, together 10.

There are more points in the stay column than leave, has anyone done one of these before? What are your opinions on my reasons?

Why leave

1.I am not physically or emotionally attracted to her. The romantic relationship has always been difficult (previously sex was 3-4 times per year) now I would say that is dead. I have not cheated but certainly cannot see myself lasting a lifetime without doing this as I am not satisfied in this relationship. We are not in love.

2.We have little in common really, we fill time together with mutual friends and computer games but we are bored in each others company. If I had my time again I would not marry this person

3.Neither sets of parents are particularly enamoured with their son/daughter inlaw, we have very different backgrounds.

Why stay

1.She is the mother of our 6 month old child. We never argue (there is no passion), would it be unfair on the child to split so young. Could I be a single parent?

2.From an external perspective we have everything, good jobs, financially secure and she is a domestic goddess. People would think I’m mad for leaving.

3.She has very few friends and I think it would be devastating for her should we separate. She has said as much and still loves me.

4.There is the warmth of stability and financial security that comes with being in a marriage.

5.The thought of stepping into the unknown, potentially being single and lonely frightens me, at 35 I have never lived alone or been single. Would I cope?

And advice would be very welcome x

Life’s too short. If you leave now there’s a good chance you can keep things amicable and co-parent responsibly and be there for your child. 35 is still young, you can still find someone and be happy, as can she.
Crunchingleaf · 02/11/2021 11:24

It’s a tough one OP. Is this a relationship you want your baby to grow up watching and thinking it’s normal. Because children often end up in relationships with similar dynamics to their parents.
You are young and so you need to consider that if you stay that you could resent her. It’s not good for a co parenting dynamic when resentment sets in.
In this situation I always think you need to look 5-10 years into the future and see how it makes you feel if your life is the same as it is now. You all deserve happiness so wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

bothjetplanes · 02/11/2021 11:25

I honestly have no idea if I am good in bed or not

You can tell if you are good in bed or not by whether your partner is enthusiastically engaged and utterly enjoying themselves.

Original poster
Conflicted7 · 02/11/2021 11:32

@gannett thank you - you seem to really have cut to the core there. The whole things seems to have been perpetuated by fear of loneliness. Interesting that you say this fear is familiar as it's not something I've heard my friends (mostly male) talk about

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones yes the child will come first there is no question about that.

OP posts:
KatnissNeverdone · 02/11/2021 11:38

I think you're unlikely to get 50:50 care of a 6 month old. Is your wife breastfeeding?

Original poster
Conflicted7 · 02/11/2021 11:41

@Bluebells34 the list was suggested to me on another forum. 1 point for each item per column. It seemed a little simplistic but has helped me crystallise my thoughts.

@Crunchingleaf that is a very good question. I would not want my child to have a relationship like mine. If we were in the same position even in 1 year I don't think that would be fair to either of us.

@bothjetplanes it happens so infrequently that I couldn't say. What I don't want to happen, and I haven't been tempted but you read about this is another year where nothing happens. Starved of intimacy. Cheat and destroy and chance of an amicable future. It seems like objectively speaking both of us would be high risk of that in the future and it seems like it really destroys people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Conflicted7 · 02/11/2021 11:44

@KatnissNeverdone she is, I was thinking more longer term. I would hope to avoid any courts etc if it can be ended in a civil way. For perspective we never had a large wedding, she wanted the tax benefits so we did it one afternoon at the office, the bar for romantic idealism was never especially high.

OP posts:
Iknowhowyoufeeltoo · 02/11/2021 12:03

@Conflicted7 It sounds like because there’s no romantic feelings between you both, sex isn’t happening and it seems that there isn’t any real attraction or chemistry there which is important in order to have a successful sex life.
I think what stands out the most is that you say you’re not in love with her anymore.
Infidelity does happen when needs are not being met, rightly or wrongly, not in all cases but it’s better to walk away than deal with the fall-out of infidelity.

gannett · 02/11/2021 12:07

[quote Conflicted7]@gannett thank you - you seem to really have cut to the core there. The whole things seems to have been perpetuated by fear of loneliness. Interesting that you say this fear is familiar as it's not something I've heard my friends (mostly male) talk about

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones yes the child will come first there is no question about that.[/quote]
I don't know if it's that familiar IRL, just on these boards.

I'd probably go so far as to say you'll have a great deal more chance at finding a truly healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship if you are also truly content being single.

That way, you're getting into the relationship and continuing it because you actually love the other person and want to be in a relationship with THEM - not because you're desperate to be in a relationship with anyone.

pinkyredrose · 02/11/2021 12:12

You should leave. What you have is friendship not marriage. Why on earth do you think you might not cooe being single and living alone? Give your head a wobble and move on, free yourself and your wife from a dead marriage.

YeahImThatB · 02/11/2021 12:31

Your poor wife…..Sad

Comedycook · 02/11/2021 12:43

Actually op...have you ever had a very passionate relationship or been very 'in love'? Just asking because you said the sexual side was infrequent before you got to this point... I'm wondering why you got married? Why did you choose her rather than someone you felt more strongly about? Or have you not been in a very passionate relationship before? Just asking because you sound quite a matter of fact kind of person and also quite detached...just wondering if this attitude is specific to your current relationship or are you always like that?

Original poster
Conflicted7 · 02/11/2021 15:31

@Comedycook no I would say I certainly have my passions and I have previously been in Love. I do feel quite matter of about this situation however.

We had a very honest chat this afternoon and have decided...this is to quote her

"We shouldn't stay together because it's the easy option, we should stay together because we want to"

We will have a trial separation in a month and review. She seemed OK with this.

The major downside that both of us keep returning to is how to deal with societies stigma of divorce, though that seems like a topic for another thread!

Thank you for all the advice

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/11/2021 15:54

The major downside that both of us keep returning to is how to deal with societies stigma of divorce, though that seems like a topic for another thread!

Are you from especially conservative / traditional cultures OP? I only ask as so many people now choose to divorce and it's beneficial for children in comparison to them growing up in tense homes where they learn couples aren't affectionate and don't have fun together but just coexist and walk on eggshells etc which is where your relationship is headed.

So don't let any stigma around divorce make you doubt that it's better for a child to have two amicable, loving co-parents rather than growing up in that environment. It's the right thing to do!