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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When do you draw the line?

53 replies

Themumroom1991 · 31/10/2021 20:04

I recently found out my husband slept with another woman when I was pregnant with our first child. He said that was the only time but weeks later I found out there was another two times and he withheld this from me because he was scared to lose me. We have 2 young children together. Before this, he's been great in every way (that I know of) but I can't seem to move past it. He says he did it because he was lonely and low with work stuff and felt he couldn't talk to me about this as he wanted to keep up an act of being okay and strong.

Have you forgiven a cheat, do you feel they've changed? They say you can come out of it stronger than ever but I don't know how you're supposed to fix it when it's broken.

Thank you x

OP posts:

category12 · 31/10/2021 20:08

Same woman or different ones?

Original poster

Themumroom1991 · 31/10/2021 20:12

Same woman. A good friend, apparently they don't fancy each other but she offered it on a plate and he wanted to feel wanted.. so went for it. But I don't know if I can take his word for it or not 🤔

OP posts:

Mamamamasaurus · 31/10/2021 20:15

It sounds like you don't actually believe him, and I don't blame you. How did you find out? As in, did he 'come clean'?

Divebar2021 · 31/10/2021 20:15

How have you come to know this information? Did he confess or did you find out some other way?

dane8 · 31/10/2021 20:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

category12 · 31/10/2021 20:16

But that doesn't even make any sense - why would it make him feel wanted if neither of them fancy each other?

Is he still in contact with this "good friend"?

What's he doing to change?

Doyoumind · 31/10/2021 20:18

It's clear he told you the minimum he thought he could get away with, then had to revise that when you discovered he was lying. He's minimising his role in it by blaming her which is pathetic.

However many times it happened, he cheated on you at a time when you particularly needed his support.

If he's done it once, he could do it again. Do you want to live with the chance of that hanging over you?

Original poster

Themumroom1991 · 31/10/2021 20:18

I had a gut feeling so I checked his messages when he was in the shower one night - there was no messages from her even though I knew they had spoken recently so it was obvious he had deleted them. I confronted him and he denied it but I said I wasn't letting it drop and after a day of nagging he eventually told me. So he hasn't willingly gave up the info really. We've had two lots of marriage counselling but we keep going round in circles.
Everyone says about earning back trust but how is it possible?

OP posts:

Original poster

Themumroom1991 · 31/10/2021 20:19

They were in contact with each other every now and again before I found out, then decided to cut ties after I found out, very convenient!

He says that now he is going to be more open if he is struggling emotionally which will stop him from getting that low again

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/10/2021 20:20

@Themumroom1991

I mean that's even more insulting. He's saying he shagged someone repeatedly even though he didn't fancy them. That's how little value he places on your family and how little respect he has for you? He sounds horrible. Even if what he was saying is true (unlikely) the kind of blokes who cheat for an ego boost are the kind where it's never enough. And it's always your fault for not lavishing enough attention / praise. I couldn't move past this.

Sundancerintherain · 31/10/2021 20:21

I could never trust him again op.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/10/2021 20:22

If he was so scared to lose you he wouldn't have done it in the first place. I could never forgive this, not ever. There is no excuse.

Doyoumind · 31/10/2021 20:22

Oh boo hoo. He was feeling low. It's not an excuse IMHO. If you're feeling low and cheating on your pregnant wife makes you feel better what sort of a person are you? It's an excuse. He made a decision to do it more than once. He should take some responsibility. Urrgghh.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 20:23

Was it three times all during your first pregnancy and then never again?
Or was it both times you were pregnant, once with DC1 and twice with DC2?

I’m a bit data oriented and the first scenario shows horrible mistake, but not repeated so more faith would not happen again. The second shows repeat cheating and an escalation...so chances are sky high he would cheat again.

The “she offered it on a plate”... that’s just him trying to offload responsibility. Which is very concerning.

If you do forgive this time, he needs to take ownership. It doesn’t matter if it was offered on a plate, he shouldn’t have cheated. Temptation is not an excuse.

Personally my line is at cheating once. My DH would not get a second chance.

Original poster

Themumroom1991 · 31/10/2021 20:25

Thank you for the replies everyone ❤️

The first time was when pregnant with first child, second time was a few days later, third time was a year later. He said he stopped it that time and told her no - but again this is all from his mouth

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/10/2021 20:35

So in his version of events, best case scenario, he shagged the same person (who he doesn't even fancy) twice when you were pregnant and again a year later because she 'put it on a plate' (he sounds like a nice misogynist there) and he wanted the attention?

That's best case, from his own mouth.

I really couldn't get past that OP. It's ok if you can't.

thepeopleversuswork · 31/10/2021 21:11

That would be a dealbreaker for me. It sounds like you’re tying yourself up in knots trying to find reasons to allow it to be ok.

Well it’s not ok. Listen to your instincts which are clearly telling you to have more respect for yourself.

If you stay with him it will happen again and again and you will never be able to trust him.

You know you - and your children - deserve better.

Buildingthefuture · 31/10/2021 21:17

Not a popular opinion here on MN, but I do believe (and have seen) people get over things like this. HOWEVER it takes a massive amount of work, and the first step is for him to admit to and own his behaviour. Some other woman “offering it on a plate” is bullshit. He is a fully grown, adult man with the capacity to distinguish between right and wrong, so even if some absolute stunner is waving her bits in his face, he can still say no thanks! And honestly, do you REALLY think that’s what happened?
Things like this can be resolved, but it takes a man (or woman) to look in the mirror, admit they have been a total shitbag (with no excuses….even if your relationship was shite, he had a million different options that DID NOT include shagging someone else) and do the work to NOT be that person again. Most cheating partners can’t face that reflection of themselves and most people who’ve been cheated on are devastated and don’t want to wait around to see if there partner can change….only you can decide which you are your partner are. Good luck op x.

ravenmum · 31/10/2021 21:40

Did he manage to "hide his feelings" so thoroughly that you didn't even notice he was feeling low? Sounds a bit unlikely.

I think what would put me off in your position is not just the cheating, but his total failure to take any responsibility for it, blaming it on a supposedly promiscuous woman and his work stress, and somehow managing to turn it around so that he was forced to resort to cheating because he was trying to be nice to you by acting all strong, as a poor unsupported, tragic hero.
I'd be more impressed with someone who admitted they had been a dick and apologised properly.

My line wasn't just my exh cheating on me; it was him cheating on me and treating me and the kids with disrespect for months; avoiding our company, acting as if we deserved it and accusing me of being horrible to distract me.

Opentooffers · 31/10/2021 22:21

The thing is, remorse would help to get over a 'mistake' but he took a few days to think about it, then did it again, even worse he had a year to think about it - then did it again! Not getting there is much regret there. That's even if what he says is true, you already know he's a liar, as has kept a lie for a year. Ever so lonely, but not so lonely that he couldn't conceive another child after it.
Just because some get through infidelity, doesn't mean you have try to. So, if he is being transparent, he will have shown you that her number and all ways of possible communication to her have been expunged from his phone? He will have promised she is now an ex-'friend' and will never see her again? Has he offered all that up?
I think you will find there has been more recent shenanigans going on, up to the time you challenged him, so during 2nd DC's appearance probably.
For me, it would be a hard no, based on putting you and your unborn DC at health risks, because I bet he didn't use condoms, not if it was spontaneous and a whim as he's trying to make out - he's minimising, they were clearly both up for it, and most likely did fancy each other. I'm a nurse though, so putting my health at risk is the more unforgiving side of me. I don't do jealousy, because it's the cheating person who is lacking and not good enough at the end of the day.
However, I would think, the only way to ever hope to get it in their skull what they've done, is by kicking them out for a time, then having counselling whilst not living together, and maybe, a few months down the line, going on occasional dates and see if there is still a connection worth fighting for.
While he was ' being lonely', was he leaving you to all childcare matters, or was he truly an interactive, fully involved father? If he was, he should put in effort to coparent, you should at the least have a trial separation and see how it goes.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 31/10/2021 22:25

No, I couldn't trust his again.
He was happy to throw your family away at least 3 times!

NeedAHoliday2021 · 31/10/2021 23:29

I think I probably would have said there’s hope until 5 years ago when my sil parents relationship ended dramatically. Her dad had an affair but when sil was about 8 but it was like your story op and they moved on and ow was gone… until 5 years ago (25 years later) a chance meeting restarted the affair. At 62 her husband left her for the woman from 25 years before.

You were at your most vulnerable and instead of being by your side he was shagging another woman. What he going to do to rebuild the trust? This lays firmly at his door and I’m not sure I could move on from that.

Peach01 · 01/11/2021 00:10

I could never move past being cheated on while pregnant. It would only take once for me to draw the line. His excuse was he felt lonely? It's abhorrent. OP his morals are in the gutter if he's sleeping with someone else while you're pregnant.
He's shown you he won't change.

KikoLemons · 01/11/2021 01:05

It depends how you feel. I was upset but decided that a partner and family was what mattered and if my DP had a shag with someone it didn't have to affect me. No-one owns anyone. I made my choice and it was right for us. MN is a bit black and white about "cheating".

But in the end it's up to you and what you want. Only you know what your relationship is like.

PinkCheetah · 01/11/2021 01:41

I forgave a cheating boyfriend when I was younger. And all it did is turn me into an anxious, insecure, nagging, depressed shell of a woman. I got rid a year later. Lesson learnt. My DH knows if he cheated there would be no second chances.

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