When do you draw the line?

[Themumroom1991]

I recently found out my husband slept with another woman when I was pregnant with our first child. He said that was the only time but weeks later I found out there was another two times and he withheld this from me because he was scared to lose me. We have 2 young children together. Before this, he's been great in every way (that I know of) but I can't seem to move past it. He says he did it because he was lonely and low with work stuff and felt he couldn't talk to me about this as he wanted to keep up an act of being okay and strong.

Have you forgiven a cheat, do you feel they've changed? They say you can come out of it stronger than ever but I don't know how you're supposed to fix it when it's broken.

Thank you x

Thank you for the replies everyone, just catching up this morning!
Not that it makes it better but he said he did use a condom. He says all the right things about wanting our marriage to work and he will never do it again etc and he is a very hands on dad. He has referred himself for counselling and got in touch with the GP about feeling low. He's also very transparent with his phone. However, I can't shake the feeling that more went on, or that he's just got better at hiding things. It's hard because he was the first person I felt completely secure with and now it's been tainted. I'm scared that if we break up and start going through a house move (I'm still on maternity pay and we can't afford two separate houses) that I might regret it down the line and it'll be too late, but it's very hard living together at the moment with all these feelings flying around.

he withheld this from me because he was scared to lose me
All this means is he didn't tell you he cheated on you repeatedly because he knew it was wrong and reason for you to end the relationship.

He didn't tell you, you worked it out because of his continued poor boundaries with this woman.

He's embarrassing. Men that cheat on their DPs during pregnancy are the lowest of the low. Especially the ones who cheat because they say they're lonely and they weren't getting any attention. Oh please get a grip. You're literally growing his baby meanwhile he's stepping out and sleeping with someone else because he feels lonely?
Why would you even want to forgive someone who's chose to do that multiple times?

So a bit stressed at work and he thinks it's fine to have an affair. Hmm, no, I wouldn't forgive that. I wouldn't forgive any type of cheating.

I recently found out my husband slept with another woman when I was pregnant with our first child

That is when and where I'd draw the line. He is a liar and a cheat and the fact it even happened more than once shows he's a remorseless cunt with scant regard to you or your relationship.
I'm sure lots of posters will tell you it wouldn't be a deal breaker for them but it would be for me because I see it as if this is my one and only life then it's far too short and precious to waste it on a sexually incontinent liar like him.
You deserve much better.

@KikoLemons
if my DP had a shag with someone it didn't have to affect me
This is fine as long as their cheating doesn't affect you. The problem is when it really does affect your everyday life; when your partner is unpleasant to you, stays away from home so the kids hardly see him, when you can't plan any holidays or days out as he won't book time off, or he deliberately sabotages your plans by not turning up when he's supposed to or sulking and making everyone's life a misery. When your children realise something is up and start spying on him and reporting his activities to you, unasked. The anger and pain this causes is not about anyone being "owned" by you.

I have a feeling that my current partner would (if he cheated) be more discreet and not such a shit about it. I've thought to myself that if he was just as nice to me as he is now, I don't think it would bother me if he had a little extra safe sex on the side. But in practice I doubt it would be safe, realistically. Again, nothing about owning him; I'd just rather not catch anything unpleasant. If you can trust your partner in that respect, and he's still nice to you, then your approach works. But I'd say your experience would be the exception. Hence most people being against cheats.

Fair enough - it's just the black and white approach I sometimes get sick of on here. (Shouldn't read MN as much as I do..)

I think in real life people do take the bigger picture into account. But your points are good ones.

I regularly tell myself I'll stay away from MN but it is a bit addictive.
It can be quite black and white - though tbh I quite like that sometimes. It's a bit like being advised by my rather outspoken aunt. It can be reassuring to be told that things are simple.

I find it hard to believe that throughout the year gap there wasn't any contact, even if that was just sending photos and texts. I couldn't forgive this. Having your first baby is usually the happiest time in your life and he ruined it.

@Themumroom1991

Same woman. A good friend, apparently they don't fancy each other but she offered it on a plate and he wanted to feel wanted.. so went for it. But I don't know if I can take his word for it or not 🤔

Very sorry for your shock & all you are processing now OP

But really ... what does it matter if her fancied her or not, whether she did in fact make all the running, or his piss-poor excuse of wanting to feel wanted?

Even if all that bullshit is true - he still fancied her enough to shag her 3 times, accepted her advances, & put his wish to be desired ahead of his promise to be faithful.

So - lying about the circumstances or not - (he probably is, they all 'admit' as little as they can get away with) - forget about his motivations & excuses, & ask yourself what YOU want.

Do you want to stay married? - then he will need to accept responsibility, show remorse, give you reassurance & have marriage counselling.

Don;t want to get past it? - bide your time while you choose a lawyer, get all the practical & financial advice you need, make a plan - & then tell him it's over.

Either way, you can't just stumble along, hoping for the best, without addressing this & making changes. Very good luck OP xx

We've had two lots of marriage counselling but we keep going round in circles.

Oh dear OP, apologies then, for the redundant advice about marriage counselling, above. If you've done that twice & he's still unfaithful, what's the point of a 3rd try?

But ... this is your marriage & your life, not mine or PP's.
How are you doing today?

Some women can't get over the fact their husband's dick has been inserted into another woman.

Some women can't get over the fact everytime they look at their husband they view them only as pathetic, weak and a pile of scum.

Some women can't get over the fact their husband had an emotional bond and a friendship that they were exclude from, that they were an outsider.

Some women plan their own retribution by having sex/affair with someone else to even the score. (preferably single)

Whichever you feel most strongly about it is your choice now to decide whether you can get past this, as it will be on your shoulders to heal yourself.
He may help but I've found much of the work has to be done by the betrayed partner.
Are you strong enough, are you confident enough to have that in the back of your mind forever and still feel desirable, cherished and thought of as number 1.

You don't have to decide now, it could become impossible in a year or 5 years time.

Your life, your choice.

Good luck, I will say his timing is deplorable, he sounds weak, ineffectual and lacking in the strength of character to commit to a long standing marriage, a man child.

He doesn't respect you, if he did it would never have happened. You deserve so much better!

However, I can't shake the feeling that more went on, or that he's just got better at hiding things. It's hard because he was the first person I felt completely secure with and now it's been tainted.

He's completely broken your trust. The justification he's given isn't good enough. You were pregnant, carrying his baby. Pregnancy can be a vulnerable time where you need those around you. He should've been doing his best to create a happy and stable unit for you and the baby. He repeated his "mistake". Although he wore a condom it doesn't protect against sti's transferred from skin to skin. He should never have betrayed you or put you at risk especially when you're immune system would have been lower. Imo there's no excusing it. I wouldn't be able to forgive.

It must be difficult living together with this going on. You don't have to rush into a decision. Do what's right for you, he can wait.

Yuk.

It's annoying how he acts so innocent like it was all something done to him and he had no agency.

He's probably told you the minimum he thought he could get away with. The reality is he's probably been cheating with her off and on the entire time until you caught him.

To be so weak he couldn't take going without for a short time as you were carrying and birthing his child and the first thing he though of was to stick his dick in another woman. Disgusting.

I wonder how he would like it if the first thing you did when he had a rough patch or illness was to screw some guy?

These type of men have a very shallow love. The type to ditch their wife after 25 years of marriage.

He says that now he is going to be more open if he is struggling emotionally which will stop him from getting that low again

He's making himself out to be some sort of victim in his cheating....

He had sex with her twice when you were pregnant, clearly didn't feel any remorse because he shagged her again a year later, then pretends he ended it but has still been in contact with her since then?

Nope. No way. He'd be gone.

What happens when he gets 'low' again OP? Who's responsibility is it to ensure that doesn't happen and what does that supposedly involve? And can you live like that?

I imagine you are feeling quite low and unloved /neglected yourself right now, so he should be very, very afraid you'll do what em...people who feel low and neglected do, right?

I can't and won't tell you to LTB. But I can tell you that if you stay, it should be on your terms - because you want to. And if you no longer want to, you have the absolute right to change your mind about your relationship. If you want to try to save this relationship it's the much harder path and very few succeed happily but I know many feel they need to try or at least be able to walk away knowing that they did their best to save something smashed to bits by the other person.

I also want to make sure that you know something else: should you decide down the line to LTB, it's NOT you breaking the family up and you should never accept that accusation - He broke it the moment he crossed the line, and did so repeatedly. Just because you didn't find out until much later that it was broken and take action at that point it does not mean that you are in any way responsible for the split.

Drinking all the wine
I agree with your comment "what happens when he gets low again?" Are the betrayed forever responsible for monitoring the cheater to ensure they do not slip up? What an awful thought. When my stbxh cheated with multiple women, he tried to convince me it would not happen again. I thought "Aah so you are perfectly capable of being faithful, you previously chose not to". Hard to stomach someone once you see a nasty, callous side of their character.

I also like your comment that the op is not responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. When I left stbxh, a few friends saw me as being the one to put the final nail on the coffin. They somehow forgot he had destroyed the marriage years prior. I was the one on ADs, self harming, drinking myself silly, trying to get through the day. I stupidly reconciled and this gave the impression we were in it for the long haul. There is no timeline for leaving, none at all. The ball is in your court.

Does anyone here seriously believe "it was only 3 times?"

I wouldn’t forgive it full stop. He’d be out. You

@bjrce

Does anyone here seriously believe "it was only 3 times?"

Especially as originally it was 'just once'

He admitted to once. Then another two.
I’d say there was probably more, but it doesn’t really matter does it.
It’s up to you as to what you’ll put up with, or not.

No no no.

I don't care if the poor boy was 'struggling emotionally,' (i.e. his just making excuses for his actions to try and stop you dumping him) that doesn't make a bloke cheating on his wife ok. And as you were pregnant that's even worse.

OP I really massively feel for you. What a nightmare to go through.

None of us can tell you what to do. I know if it was me, it would be the end of it. He took the most sacred experience you could possibly have together and pissed all over it.

For me, the worst part isn't just that he cheated while you were pregnant, but that he went and did it AGAIN a year later. And then, he didn't come clean when you found out. He lied and minimised.

If you do decide to stay with him, he'd need to be completely accountable and extremely patient.

I personally have zero tolerance for cheating. I don't care what the reason is. I have never cheated on anyone, even when the opportunities have been there. So I expect the same in return. That's just me.

It comes down to whether you can rebuild trust and respect.