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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married male friend invited me for night away! Help!

62 replies

lou8582 · 31/10/2021 07:57

I split from partner about 6 months ago and have had a much older male married friend invite me for a night away...I think he is only trying to be nice and give me a break from all the crap that's gone on with the breakup but at the end of the day I don't feel comfortable and need to tell him. When he first mentioned it I honestly thought he was joking Blush any ideas or advice? Anyone else possibly been in such a position?

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 31/10/2021 08:12

Just tell him thanks but no thanks? If you're friends, that won't be hard to do?

FOJN · 31/10/2021 08:20

If you don't feel comfortable with the idea you should just say no. The question is why do you feel you need advice for that? You're not obliged to do things you don't want to do just because you think someone is trying to be kind.

Silenceisgolden20 · 31/10/2021 08:21

Also ask what his wife said on the suggestion

Original poster
lou8582 · 31/10/2021 08:25

I need to get in the habit of saying no, why is it hard to say no Hmm

OP posts:
Flipflopfoodle · 31/10/2021 08:26

Yes, when I was 25, a work colleague of 60 (it was just me and him in an office so got on well) after my break up invited me to an event away that I'd expressed interest in. Lovely, caring man I thought. Nope he wanted a shag.
If it's a genuine offer a no won't offend, if it's sex he wants he will be pushy and might act hurt but fuck that. If he's doing it to be kind, being kind will also involve respecting what you actually want.

2catsandhappy · 31/10/2021 08:27

It is not clear to me. What exactly is he offering? A theatre trip(say), dinner and drinks and then a double bed or theatre trip, dinner and drinks and send you off to your own room?
Did you ask what he wife thought about it?

Theuniverseandeverything · 31/10/2021 08:29

If it’s hard to say can you text him? But definitely say no!

Theuniverseandeverything · 31/10/2021 08:30

And be sure and clear about it, not woolly or he will ask again.

Original poster
lou8582 · 31/10/2021 08:33

@Flipflopfoodle this is what I'm worried about...I'd hope he wasn't thinking anything like that!

@Theuniverseandeverything yes I think text will be easier.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 31/10/2021 08:35

Surely you just say “no , that would be inappropriate and if I were in your wife’s shoes, I wouldn’t be happy about it”?

And it’s definitely a known phenomenon that newly single women find that their married male friends and colleagues suddenly start hitting on them. There’s been quite a few threads on here started by women this has happened to.

rookiemere · 31/10/2021 08:37

Never assume honourable intentions from men I'm afraid. It sounds cynical because I have become that way in life. I'd send quite a short message and don't be apologetic about saying no as it's an off thing to do.

Skyla2005 · 31/10/2021 08:38

Ask him if his wife will be coming away too !

Flipflopfoodle · 31/10/2021 08:39

I hoped it too. Thing is, I was so bad at saying no (out of an abusive relationship and a people pleaser) I worry if I had gone then I may have been too nice to say no to things. Luckily another older man who I had done some shifts with, took me to one side, he had a daughter my age and was genuinely looking out for me. Now I'm older and meaner I shudder at my first friends actions and myself

Summerfun54321 · 31/10/2021 08:40

I have male friends and would draw a line at this. Just decline the invite and make an excuse.

Original poster
lou8582 · 31/10/2021 08:44

@Flipflopfoodle I totally get that about the abusive relationship and people pleasing think that's why I find it so hard to say no.

I definitely try to see the good in people and probably very naive to some people's intentions

OP posts:
MerryChristmasToYou · 31/10/2021 08:54

You are the newly-single female friend. He wants to shag you.

Maybe he's just being nice but it seems dodgy

Rockdown2020 · 31/10/2021 09:20

This seems predatory to me. Odd to not suggest a dinner or similar?

A night away with a recently single mate wi hour your wife. No way there is anything but clearly bad intentions. Your reply needs to be ‘No.’

Grim.

TobyEsterhase · 31/10/2021 09:25

"No" is a complete sentence

spotcheck · 31/10/2021 09:49

What exactly was the offer? Was it " you look like you could do with a break- my wife and I want to treat you to a night away on your own"

Or " hey wanna go to Brighton together and we'll ..." ( Waggles his eyebrows at you suggestively).

FatAnkles · 31/10/2021 09:56

"No thank you." Simple.

blacksax · 31/10/2021 09:59

@MerryChristmasToYou

You are the newly-single female friend. He wants to shag you.

Maybe he's just being nice but it seems dodgy

This. There seems to be this thinking among many men that a newly-single woman must be desperate for a shag, and will quite happily use the nearest available penis for a no-strings quickie to service their needs.

I had to put up with six years of this shit when I was single after my first marriage broke up. Perhaps they think we will be pathetically grateful for the opportunity to release all that pent-up sexual frustration we're suffering from. As if.

21stDentistryGirl · 31/10/2021 10:01

This can’t be good. Can’t speak for anyone else’s marriage but if my DH did this I’d be very suspicious. Not sure married men do this, do they? Unless you share a hobby maybe?*

*not sex. Not that hobby.

me4real · 31/10/2021 10:02

Just say you wouldn't feel it was appropriate unless his wife came along too.

FictionalCharacter · 31/10/2021 10:04

Hell no. Even if this was innocent how hurtful would that be for his wife?

21stDentistryGirl · 31/10/2021 10:04

This is why the “Knight is shining armour” analogy is dangerous. Men almost get to excuse their behaviour as altruistic and kind when in fact, it’s as much an exploitation of female vulnerability as every other dick move.