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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married male friend invited me for night away! Help!

62 replies

lou8582 · 31/10/2021 07:57

I split from partner about 6 months ago and have had a much older male married friend invite me for a night away...I think he is only trying to be nice and give me a break from all the crap that's gone on with the breakup but at the end of the day I don't feel comfortable and need to tell him. When he first mentioned it I honestly thought he was joking Blush any ideas or advice? Anyone else possibly been in such a position?

OP posts:
Bathtoy · 31/10/2021 13:22

Well, have you gone away with him before your split? I’m married and I’ve often gone away overnight with married/unmarried male friends (usually to a concert or theatre that was too distant to travel back from the same night), all perfectly chaste and good fun. But if this is a new thing, and you think it’s related to you being newly single, then he doesn’t sound like much of a friend.

Dontbeme · 31/10/2021 13:52

Are you not creeped out by this OP? An older married friend inviting you for a weekend away without his wife knowing, is your skin not crawling? Are you not angry that he thinks you're the type of woman that may say yes to such a proposition. You need to rethink your friends and your boundaries.

Skysblue · 31/10/2021 14:21

I had that once when younger, and accepted. I was incredibly surprised when he hopefully groped my bum, as he’d seemed happy in his marriage. No flirting just sudden grope 🤢 I am not so naive now! (I fled).

Just say no OP! And don’t give a reason, people argue with reasons. Just “No thanks I don’t really want to.” If asked why just repeat “I just don’t want to.”

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 31/10/2021 14:24

You could take the trip and when he starts hitting you up with his penis, tell him NO at that point, after he has made his money-time-lies to wife investment. Play him at his own game. Get the trip. Text his wife a photo of you all on vaca.

I'm such a little meanie.

RantyAunty · 31/10/2021 15:15

There's no reason to ever give men the benefit of the doubt.
I know many of us have been socialised to always be nice and no speak up.
There's a book call the Gift of Fear which every woman should read. Also, the Freedom Programme is good as well as individual counseling to learn about good boundaries.

Men are very predatory when it comes to a woman becoming single. They will swoop right in with their nonsense, like this guy is. They are hoping that your vulnerability and your politeness will lead to a shag for them.

You can text the guy just say, I thought about what you said, and no, I don't want to go.
And that's all you have to say. You don't have to justify or explain. It's just no.

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 15:19

"That's kind, but I wouldn't feel comfortable. How about XYZ activity instead?"

If he pushes back against that ... he's not your friend.

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 15:22

[quote lou8582]@Flipflopfoodle I totally get that about the abusive relationship and people pleasing think that's why I find it so hard to say no.

I definitely try to see the good in people and probably very naive to some people's intentions [/quote]
Did he ever ask you to go away with him for a weekend when you were with a partner?

If he did - it's probably benign. But you can still feel uncomfortable, & let him know you don't want to go.

If he didn't - he's hitting on you.

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 15:24

@GroggyLegs

Ask if his wife is coming, or whether she'll be staying at home to look after his kids, dogs & do the washing while he romances has a fun weekend with you.

Wtf.

THIS! Please do it OP :)
ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 15:26

@Montymon

Can you be sure his wife isnt in on this? I would never have believed it but when I took a colleague to a tribunal for sexual harassment it emerged as 'mitigating circumstances' that they were swingers and thought i would be up for it, being newly single
Fucksake @Montymon!

So sexual harrassment is ok if it's done in tandem with ... a second sexual harrasser?!

Bonbon21 · 31/10/2021 15:29

"That would be great... really great.. I'll give ( insert his wife's name) a ring and we can make plans to shop..."
That should clarify matters for you... and you can always cancel due to suspect cough!!!

TheGirlCat · 31/10/2021 17:47

I'd say "will A (wife) be going?" If the answer is no, then say "I will have to decline I'm sorry".

Montymon · 31/10/2021 19:45

Yes, although he was found in the wrong, I was afterwards always the one people should beware of and was coveniently made redundant a couple of years later

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