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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married male friend invited me for night away! Help!

62 replies

lou8582 · 31/10/2021 07:57

I split from partner about 6 months ago and have had a much older male married friend invite me for a night away...I think he is only trying to be nice and give me a break from all the crap that's gone on with the breakup but at the end of the day I don't feel comfortable and need to tell him. When he first mentioned it I honestly thought he was joking Blush any ideas or advice? Anyone else possibly been in such a position?

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 31/10/2021 10:10

Ask if his wife is coming, or whether she'll be staying at home to look after his kids, dogs & do the washing while he romances has a fun weekend with you.

Wtf.

SpringSparrow · 31/10/2021 10:12

Reminds me of a friend of mine who split from her husband when she was fifty. She did a fitness class for the elderly and one of her clients was a lovely widow i his eighties. He invited her to go abroad with him over Christmas as his companion, said she would have her own beachside cottage. He wanted to go back and visit the place he had gone with his wife. When they arrived he had booked one double room! 😡

Comedycook · 31/10/2021 10:14

I think he is only trying to be nice

Like fuck he is!

You're a younger, newly single woman....he's trying his luck.

Lougle · 31/10/2021 10:15

I'd simply say "That's really kind, but as you're married and I'm now single, it might seem like we're having an affair and I could really do without dealing with that. Of course, if I've got the wrong end of the stick and your wife is coming, that sounds lovely!"

knittingaddict · 31/10/2021 10:37

Why do you need to know if nyone else has been in this situation?

Surely it's very simple. "No thankyou, that would be very inappropriate" and never speak to him again. I wouldn't have any trouble removing him from my friendship list because he's a cheater and a chancer.

Fangdango · 31/10/2021 10:43

Are you sure it's him inviting you - not the couple going and including you? I've often included a single guest when holidaying as a couple - annoying when people think it has to be matching sets of adults for dinners and holidays ...

Option 2 might be kind (and good way to split costs). Option 1 is obviously madness.

Montymon · 31/10/2021 10:45

Can you be sure his wife isnt in on this? I would never have believed it but when I took a colleague to a tribunal for sexual harassment it emerged as 'mitigating circumstances' that they were swingers and thought i would be up for it, being newly single

HollowTalk · 31/10/2021 10:48

Say yes that's a good idea, I'll call your wife and we'll discuss where we should meet up.

Original poster
lou8582 · 31/10/2021 11:17

@knittingaddict I don't need to know if anyone else has been, but it's reassuring to know it hasn't only happened to me or what other peoples opinion is on it Smile

Thanks all - no doesn't sound at all like the wife was in on it Blush

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 31/10/2021 11:25

I’m not sure this man is really a friend in the true sense of the word. It sounds to be like he’s zeroing in on someone he perceives as vulnerable in the hope you’ll fuck him and hopefully continue to fuck him when you return from the trip. Then he gets to stay married and have sex elsewhere. What’s not to like from his perspective?

SmileyClare · 31/10/2021 11:32

Any ideas or advice?

Well unless you want to shag him out of politeness, decline the offer. Do it over text or email if it's too awkward to have a conversation.

I think you know full well what a man inviting you for a weekend away together means? Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he's not worried about yours or his wife's.

Viviennemary · 31/10/2021 11:33

If you want an affair or quick fling say yes. If you don't say no.

Changechangychange · 31/10/2021 11:43

It totally depends on what the offer was. If it’s “oh no, who is going to use your second ticket to see Adele now you’re single? Don’t worry, I’ll come with you. We can stay in a Premier Inn afterwards so we aren’t rushing for the last train” - fine.

If it’s “how about a trip away? I know a fantastic country house hotel in Devon with a great restaurant and spa” - definitely trying to shag you.

stalkersaga · 31/10/2021 11:48

Yeah, he wants to fuck you (unless his wife is coming). All sorts of lowlife married men crawl out of the woodwork when a woman is suddenly single.

CBroads · 31/10/2021 11:54

Never assume that any men have "honorable intentions" because you'll be disappointed. 99% of the time its purely for personal/Preditory gain.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 31/10/2021 12:00

Reminds me of a friend of mine who split from her husband when she was fifty. She did a fitness class for the elderly and one of her clients was a lovely widow i his eighties. He invited her to go abroad with him over Christmas as his companion, said she would have her own beachside cottage. He wanted to go back and visit the place he had gone with his wife. When they arrived he had booked one double room! 😡

@SpringSparrow Shock What did your friend do!?

OP, get very angry at your "friend". So you need to have any contact with him in the future (is he a work colleague or similar)? If not, tell him he is completely inappropriate and you never what yo hear from him again, then block him. If he contacts you after that report him to the police for harassment.

userxx · 31/10/2021 12:04

Sleazy fucker.

MzHz · 31/10/2021 12:09

My mum had LOADS of her friends husbands contact her when she split from my dad apparently

Your friend is looking for a fuck. He thinks you’re easy pickings as you’re desperate

dottiedodah · 31/10/2021 12:15

I would just decline Im afraid.Experience has taught me that men are often dishonourable. The fact hes much older than you is ringing Alarm bells loudly too.I would say No thank you ,if he asks why(he shouldnt) Just say the truth ,you wouldnt feel at all comfortable with this and would worry what people(esp his wife)! might say.

reesewithoutaspoon · 31/10/2021 12:24

Unfortunately it's not uncommon for newly single women to be targeted by sleazy low life married men who think they can manipulate you into sex because you are vulnerable and hurting and possibly your self esteem has taken a hit. They see you as an easy target

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/10/2021 12:29

@Silenceisgolden20

Also ask what his wife said on the suggestion
See I don't think this is the way. It's a bit like saying no to a bloke asking you out by using the 'sorry I've got a boyfriend' line when you haven't, but want to 'be nice' and not rude - thanks female socialisation and conditioning!

Whether the wife is ok with this or not, OP feels uncomfortable and that it's inappropriate and unwelcome. She should express that rather than a vague suggestion that her concern is his wife's feelings, when it's down to her own perfectly valid and understandable feelings on the invite.

We should express our boundaries unapologetically and clearly rather than imply they are due to the potential concern of other people because that gives the person an 'out' (yeah she's fine with it) and implies we are comfortable with something we aren't comfortable with.

We must remind ourselves that saying no to something we are uncomfortable with isn't rude.

SirGawain · 31/10/2021 12:34

I think you know full well what a man inviting you for a weekend away together means? Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he's not worried about yours or his wife's.
^^^ This; writ large!

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 31/10/2021 12:37

Yep
I also recognise this one
I used to be very naive and assume that surely they couldn't be angling for a shag but on 100% of occasions yes they were!

A good male friend once told me all about his recent engagement on a trip to the pub with friends. Therefore I assumed his offer to walk me home was genuine concern for my welfare but nope he tried to invite himself up for coffee and move in for a snog 'just for old times sake'! I was really disappointed in him on so many levels and that was the end of any friendship we had.
He contacted me again recently after a lot of years for what looked like a genuine reason but I declined to meet up as I just can't trust him anymore.

Also had a colleague spend all evening at a work do bemoaning how 'my wife doesn't understand me' and then knock on my hotel room door and this was despite me saying that my marriage is pretty happy and us both talking about our kids during the evening. Huge drop in estimation for him and I give him a wide berth now.

And finally many years ago when I was a post grad student I had a much older man ie 40yrs older participating in a research project who insisted on taking me out to lunch. I agreed as I thought he was just lonely and must be safe as old enough to be my grandad but he then offered to take me on a cruise 'separate rooms of course'
I was gobsmacked that he thought I'd have any interest in that at all

These kind of incidents made me question for ages if it's my fault. Do I 'give off the wrong signals' or something to give these guys such wildly wrong ideas?
Now I am older and wiser and thanks to Mumsmet feminism board in fact I realise that no it is NOT my fault.
Predatory wankers are going to be predatory wankers whatever I do and my only mistake is to be too naive to that. I have learnt to be much less polite now.

I do have nice male friends and colleagues who have never ever done these things or suggested them and who I feel 100% safe to go out for an evening with so it's not all of them just a sizeable minority sadly.

Kuachui · 31/10/2021 13:07

has happened to me, i felt really bad for saying no. he was arrested for rape and battery 2 years later so im thankful for trusting my instincts

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 31/10/2021 13:17

When my friend's husband left her for OW, her FIL text her suggesting she phone him if she ever felt lonely at night!