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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling so irritable and cross with DP. Is it me, or him?

55 replies

Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 07:40

I’m feeling so fed up.

We came back from holiday on thursday, and of course there were piles of laundry and general resulting chaos. On top of this, we have a crawling baby who has a lot of toys.

We travelled through the night on Thursday and so while I sorted the laundry I hadn’t put it away. Yesterday in the middle of me doing DS’s bath, DP came in and started moaning about ‘clothes covering every surface’ and then as I was trying to get the baby to sleep I couldn’t because DP was constantly moving about.

I ended up putting the baby down and joining him ‘cleaning.’ The whole operation of sorting a three bed house took less than half an hour - it really was just a few clothes and toys in the toy box.

He’s been irritating me for a while and most of it is such small things but I don’t know whether I’m being irritable or whether he’s being irritating. Like last night - why in gods name is bedtime the time to clean a house?

OP posts:
SantasLittleHoHoHo · 31/10/2021 08:40

I mean, this on its own doesn't sound that bad OP - is there a lot going on in the background?

Tbh I have to tidy before bed, hate waking up to a messy house! If he was helping tidy (rather than expecting you to just sort it) then I am unsure why it was a big issue?

Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 08:42

Because I don’t see why it’s my job, for starters.

Also maybe you don’t want to wake up to mess and I get that but it doesn’t ordinarily bother him. But what really annoyed me was it was when I was trying to get the baby to sleep. It was impossible with Dh bustling about, in and out, lights on, up and down, so the baby went to bed about three quarters of an hour late which had a knock on effect on night sleep.

But really it’s the fact it’s apparently my job.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 08:46

Have you told him it's not just your job?

Do you have some kind of system I.e he does this, you do that?

You can't moan about anything if you haven't expressed what you want.

Never to late to change things if you feel you are doing everything. There should be some kind of division of labour and a system where you both know who is doing what and when.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 31/10/2021 08:50

I can see you're obviously annoyed - I think just in your post it doesn't come across as though he thinks it's your job (as he's bustling about getting things done!) to people only reading the limited information. Hopefully you can speak to him and let him know what you want?

TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 08:54

I think it's helpful to view it from a different perspective. A relationship isn't meant to be a zero sum game. If one of you is pissed off , it doesn't mean the other one has to be wrong. You're trying to work out where to assign blame: why? What's you're goal here? If it's to prove one of you wrong, you have bigger problems in your relationship than this particular issue. If it's to resolve the problem in a way that you're both happy with, then you need a different approach than 'Who is to blame?'

Talk to him about how you feel. Ask him how he feels. Work out what you want, find out what he wants, and find a way, between you, to get as close to those outcomes as you can.

After all, what good would it do if you reached the conclusion that the problem was him, and not you? Would you feel better if it was all his fault?

Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 08:56

I am finding a lot of what he does extremely annoying.

Why come in to have a go at me about clothes everywhere when I’m in the middle of bath time?

Why use THAT moment to start clearing up?

OP posts:
StormBaby · 31/10/2021 08:59

A different perspective on this, I’m a nighttime cleaner, I will happily come in from a late shift at 8.30pm and start cleaning or doing diy(I was laying a vinyl floor in the conservatory at 11pm last night). I don’t do it as a dig at my DH but he often perceives it this way. I always tell him it’s his own internal guilt for feeling like he’s not done enough making him feel that way, not me actually saying he’s not done enough. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 08:59

And you do that when little children are trying to get to sleep?

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 09:04

I’m being irritable or whether he’s being irritating

There is no external way to evaluate this. What is irritating to you is irritating to you, and it won't be the same for anyone else. Your measures of whether someone is 'right' or not are harmful; there is no 'right' in any general sense. Thinking that there is can lead you do devalue and minimise your own feelings (ie 'I feel upset about this but I shouldn't, because he's done nothing wrong', leading to ongoing suppression of your own negative feelings within the relationship)

What you feel, and what he feels, are the rules of the relationship, because, at the extreme, if he makes you feel bad all the time, you will leave. It doesn't matter if he's done anything 'wrong', it only matters that you feel crap when you're with him.

A decent partner will respect your feelings, regardless of how outlandish they are. If you feel sick every time you see him eat a strawberry yoghurt, he'll stop eating them in front of you, rather than telling you that you're wrong and he's fully entitled to eat strawberry yoghurts whenever he damn well pleases. He'd be placing your feelings and yoghurt-eating in a heirarchy, and your feelings would be ranked higher.

Share with him how you feel; there's no right or wrong. You will be met with respect or disrespect, and you can work out what to do from there. But until you calmly tell him how you're feeling, no progress can be made, and that's the perpetual hell of many marriages.

2catsandhappy · 31/10/2021 09:05

So the moment has passed now, but if you had stood up from the bath and said, "You take over here and I will pick up clothes." then walked to living room, what would his reaction have been?
It says alot that he found a muddle of clothes overwhelming.
Have you got any ideas about how to withdraw/cut down your input?

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 09:18

OP I don't think your listening.

Why are you here talking about it. Why aren't you asking / talking to him.

Why does he think it's your job?
Why did he think it was a good idea to make noise during bath time.

You are irritated and it also seems he was irritated by the mess.

You are not giving much info.

What do you think he thinks is your job?

What other patterns do you think there are in your relationships.

Do you work, did he drive through the night?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/10/2021 09:31

Piles of clothes everywhere would just make my head explode. I hate clutter, it makes me feel overwhelmed and suffocated.

Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 09:32

OK I’m not being rude here but I don’t understand why some of you are replying and saying how you’d feel about it.

So piles of clothes would make your head explode. OK? So why wouldn’t you pick them up?

Why would you ignore for three days and then have a go at your partner in the middle of a child’s bath about it?

Can you explain this to me please?

OP posts:
beautifulview · 31/10/2021 09:38

What he did was unreasonable. But you enabled him by giving in and tidying. You should have said “go away. I’ll do it when I want” and shut him down. Now he knows he can tantrum and get away with it he’s just going to keep on

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 09:45

It's not about the clothes or what he did.

For me it's more than that but you are fixated on whether what he did was right or wrong.

It's about the fact you feel it's your job.

What is going on there?

You've not given any info.

Do you do everything around the house baby and all?

Do you work?

Did he drives hours through the night?

Maybe after a long drive he was tired irritable and expected a tidy house. The fact he might have expected it raises questions too.

Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 09:52

I don’t think it’s my job. Hmm that’s my point!

Your posts are a long list of questions, @1MillionDollars and I’m not up to it, I’m sorry, I’m not being rude but I feel like I’m at an interview. It’s not a massive deal but yes, it’s annoyed me.

Even if all the laundry was my job, Sunday morning is a better time to sort than when I’m doing bath and bed.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 09:53

@Endofautumn

OK I’m not being rude here but I don’t understand why some of you are replying and saying how you’d feel about it.

So piles of clothes would make your head explode. OK? So why wouldn’t you pick them up?

Why would you ignore for three days and then have a go at your partner in the middle of a child’s bath about it?

Can you explain this to me please?

I think people are trying to get you to understand that your partner may have feelings here too, and that those are just as valid as yours. You seem to want to view this as 'He is wrong and I have every right to be furious: back me up.'

Can you see that that's not a healthy way to run a relationship?

Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 09:56

But that’s not what I’m saying at all.

So he has feelings. Of course he does. But what I’m genuinely not understanding here (I promise in no way am I trying to be obtuse) is why anybody would think a reasonable reaction to a little bit of mess is to react in the way he did?

The mess bothers you - clear it up then.

He had all day Thursday, all day Friday and all day Saturday.

Why Saturday night? And why have a go at me about it? Why is it my job?

So yes he has feelings. But none of these feelings are remotely justified when you consider the above.

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 09:57

You seem to just want people to say he was a massive arse.

If you can't give more info of how things generally are at home snd with your relationship then how can people help.

We need patterns of behaviour.

You wanted baby to sleep, he wanted to tidy. Seems you didn't ask him to stop and got annoyed. Did he know how you felt? Did you tell him you wanted to settle baby?

More questions that you won't even answer.

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 09:59

We all get irritable at things and at the wrong time and take it out on the other.

Does this happen a lot I think a lot of us are trying to get to the bottom of and why does he think it's your job?

Mamette · 31/10/2021 09:59

Why are you here talking about it. Why aren't you asking / talking to him.

Because that’s what this board is for?? Getting input from others that may understand how you feel?

OP you can’t bath the baby and clean at the same time. Anyone would be annoyed by someone expecting that of them. It is irritating to be put in the position of either having to sort it all yourself or having to have a confrontation with your P where you address the fact that he doesn’t seem to have the wherewithal to pick up a few clothes.

It would be great if he could have just got on and done it himself without needing you to be involved just at that moment.

Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 10:01

I want to understand what I’ve done wrong here, but I just don’t.

Clearly people do think I’m the unreasonable one.

I don’t want people to say he’s a massive twat and I don’t think he is a massive twat. I do think his behaviour last night was extremely rude and inconsiderate but it seems others don’t agree. But no one has really said why other than that they don’t like piles of clothes, so why not sort them out?

That’s what I’m not getting here Smile

You’ve asked a lot of questions @1MillionDollars and it is hard to follow.

did he know how you felt

Did he know that I was trying to get the baby to sleep? Yes. Did he know he was preventing this? Yes. Did I tell him I wanted to settle the baby? Not explicitly. I said ‘I’m never going to get him to sleep if you keep coming and going like this’ which he ignored so I started hoovering and sorting the house as clearly that was what was important.

I’m not deliberately ignoring questions but when there’s loads I do feel a bit like I’m on a disciplinary panel at work. did you explicitly say you needed support? well no but …

OP posts:
Original poster
Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 10:01

@Mamette thank you. I’m so fed up!

OP posts:
cuttlefishgame · 31/10/2021 10:05

You just want people to say he was a massive arse

Well he was a massive arse.

He came in with the attitude of "Stop what you are doing, and do what I want you to do instead" when he could see the OP was in the middle of bath/bed routine; and if he wanted the place to be tidy there was nothing stopping him doing it his bloody self.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 31/10/2021 10:08

On the info given, YANBU OP. Of course the middle of bath/bedtime with a young child is a ridiculous time to start having a go at you about the mess. And yes, if it was such an issue he could have tidied it up at any time leading up to that point. It would have irritated me too. Back story irrelevant to this particular issue.