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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling so irritable and cross with DP. Is it me, or him?

55 replies

Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 07:40

I’m feeling so fed up.

We came back from holiday on thursday, and of course there were piles of laundry and general resulting chaos. On top of this, we have a crawling baby who has a lot of toys.

We travelled through the night on Thursday and so while I sorted the laundry I hadn’t put it away. Yesterday in the middle of me doing DS’s bath, DP came in and started moaning about ‘clothes covering every surface’ and then as I was trying to get the baby to sleep I couldn’t because DP was constantly moving about.

I ended up putting the baby down and joining him ‘cleaning.’ The whole operation of sorting a three bed house took less than half an hour - it really was just a few clothes and toys in the toy box.

He’s been irritating me for a while and most of it is such small things but I don’t know whether I’m being irritable or whether he’s being irritating. Like last night - why in gods name is bedtime the time to clean a house?

OP posts:

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 10:10

Okay he was being an irritable arse.

Big deal. We all can be.

I'm trying to find out if he is like this all the time. This one issue isn't a big deal but if it is a pattern then the OP has problems.

I'm trying to figure out who is responsible for what. Is she looking after the home while he works. Are they dividing the chores.

What's going on here. Does he often throw paddies like this.

I think I've asked 3 questions OP. Not hard ones but you don't seem to want to answer.

Yes he was an arse. There done. The bigger question now is what he is usually like.

Original poster

Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 10:15

I did answer.

You’ve asked me fifteen questions on a thread of twenty eight posts, @1MillionDollars, and ten of those are mine, can you not see that’s a tiny bit excessive and a bit more like grilling a criminal than a supportive post, which is I’m sure how you’re meaning it?

OP posts:

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 10:18

@Endofautumn

I apologise.

But I'm not sure what you want. He was an arse, but honestly it's not a big deal unless he does this all the time.

Why are you so worked up about this incident?

It's not a massive deal, in my opinion obviously.

I'm asking if he is like this a lot which is what has prompted you to create this thread now.

Original poster

Endofautumn · 31/10/2021 10:22

That’s exactly what I’m asking

I’m asking if my annoyance over it is a sign that I’m generally stressed and irritable and run down or whether I’m right to feel this annoyed about it?

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 10:24

I do feel a bit like I’m on a disciplinary panel at work

It's because you're insisting on the right/wrong thing.

HE WAS WRONG.

So, moving on, have you talked to him about it/how does he feel about it/what sort of outcome are you aiming at/what issues in the relationship caused this to arise etc.

It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong, and nobody is being disciplined. The fact that you fee you are is another tick on the list of 'You think there's some kind of set of rules we're all meant to be following.' There aren't any rules. Everybody can do what they please (as long as they remain within the law) If he wants a marriage where you're chained to the sink, he's perfectly entitled to want that. If you want a marriage where you spend 90% of your time sipping chilled prosecco in a bubble bath, you are completely within your rights. I'm not suggesting that either of you feels this way, but if one of you is pissing the other off, you have to work out why, and what you both want, and how you're going to get there together.

Unless you think that you make the rules, in which case he's disobedient and you need to think of consequences for this extra child you've chosen to take on?

MrMrsJones · 31/10/2021 10:27

Why didn't you say, I'm putting down the baby, you can tidy the few things away or you put down the baby and I will do it

1MillionDollars · 31/10/2021 10:27

@Endofautumn

Again then sorry.

If an isolated incident, yes he was wrong, but I think you are blowing it out of proportion.

As pp said. He can do what he likes but you don't have to accept it if you don't want to.

TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 10:31

I’m asking if my annoyance over it is a sign that I’m generally stressed and irritable and run down or whether I’m right to feel this annoyed about it

The simple fact is that you are annoyed about this. Don't attempt to minimise that by considering the whys and wherefores. Respect your feelings. After all, even if this has got to you particularly because you're run down, that doesn't mean it's a welcome scenario in your daily life. Does it?

LoveGoldberg · 31/10/2021 10:46

The fact he is moaning about it rather than just doing it shows that he does think it’s OPs job in my eyes. I wouldn’t moan about things I hadn’t personally done if I thought I was jointly responsible, but I would moan about things DP hadn’t done that I felt he was responsible for as had left to me, like he left a tea bag in the sink, his teabag=his job!

Vallmo47 · 31/10/2021 10:51

Sounds like you’re both just tired and irritable OP. Your replies to the first replies portray the same picture. You’re both just fed up. You’re not unreasonable to ask him to choose a better time to moan and tidy up, he’s not unreasonable to be sick of the state of the house. It’s sorted now, try to let it go and just move on. Hugs to you both, having a young child is hard work and coming back from holiday is the worst.

itsraininghere · 31/10/2021 10:52

Sounds annoying but I think you can change the narrative here.
Don't get irritated or take it personally. Dont take responsibility for it. Agree with him that it's a nightmare with clothes everywhere. Ask if he will sort them or will he finish DC bedtime while you sort it?

Bedtime is not such a silly time to tidy the house if you're sharing tasks, because then DC are in bed and house is tidy so you can both sit down together and relax in the evening.

You know all of these tasks are joint responsibilities so act accordingly. You'll soon find out if he's going to pull his weight or if he really does think it's all on you. If that's the case then you may have some thinking to do.

Wimpeyspread · 31/10/2021 11:01

I don’t understand why you stopped what you were doing - just tell him you’re bathing the baby and to sort it out himself. Is he physically incapable of putting clothes away? If he doesn’t know where they go, why not? Tell him to use his brain and work it out

PrincessPaws · 31/10/2021 11:06

@beautifulview

What he did was unreasonable. But you enabled him by giving in and tidying. You should have said “go away. I’ll do it when I want” and shut him down. Now he knows he can tantrum and get away with it he’s just going to keep on

Well actually no, she shouldn't have done that at all because then she is accepting that putting the clothes away is her responsibility! What she should have said is 'well if it's bothering you, perhaps you should start putting them away'

Snowdropsandbluebells · 31/10/2021 11:13

I get why you are annoyed. Why couldn't he put the clothes away without blaming you for them bit being put away.

My dh still doesn't know what clothes to put on the dc. He has never cooked and is a really fussy eater (no cheese or any sauces. No tomatoes no ham etc etc ) I flipped the other day when we were out at a restaurant and asked me what could he eat ? Meaning what didn't have sauce etc. I said it to him in the car and he told me sternly to stop being at him. I'm not cooking this weekend and seriously considering cooking for the dc and not him some nights. I'm truly sick of it all.

MrsWobbleTheWaitressIsTired · 31/10/2021 11:18

@Endofautumn

That’s exactly what I’m asking

I’m asking if my annoyance over it is a sign that I’m generally stressed and irritable and run down or whether I’m right to feel this annoyed about it?

My P does this. I now recognise that he does it so he can say that he tried to 'help me' but that I said to stop. He can then tell me that he tried to help so isn't responsible for completing the task anymore. Strategic weaponised incompetence? Bathing the kids and doing bedtime as he noisily washing pans so the hot water goes cold upstairs ( yes, we need to get a power shower). I shout and tell him to stop and do the pans after showers. He never does.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/10/2021 11:42

@Snowdropsandbluebells

I get why you are annoyed. Why couldn't he put the clothes away without blaming you for them bit being put away.

Awww, did you adopt him from his mum?

Seriously how can you bear to have sex with someone this childlike? My vagina would be drier than the Sahara.

TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 11:56

Strategic weaponised incompetence

Holy crap. Is this what you think marriage is, @MrsWobbleTheWaitressIsTired?

roarfeckingroarr · 31/10/2021 11:58

YANBU at all OP, that would piss me off too,

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 31/10/2021 11:59

The question is not about this one incident really, as one incident can be just that. But overall do you think he is pulling his weight? Is he doing his fair share of the unpaid work in your household? If not, then yes you have every right to be annoyed. Its an issue that needs addressing or the resentment and frustration will be the end of the relationship.

Natty13 · 31/10/2021 12:04

No bloody wonder you're having issues in your relationship if this is how you communicate.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/10/2021 12:36

Op, would you say this was a straw that broke the camels back thing? On its own it doesn't sound like a big deal (although annoying) but your response sounds like you reached the end of your tether.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 31/10/2021 13:21

@Endofautumn, I'm baffled by the replies here Normally what you described would get totally different responses (in your favour), such as "He was thoughtless doing housework when you were trying to get your baby to sleep" and "instead of moaning to you about the clothes, why didn't he just quietly sort them himself. He clearly thinks it's your job not his or he'd just get in with it". It would irritate me too.

5128gap · 31/10/2021 17:08

You need to look at how you feel most of the time as a one off situation where you were both tired after a night drive isn't the best indicator. If you spend more time irritated with him than not, its a problem. It doesn't matter whether his behaviour warrants it or not really, as its how you feel towards him is what matters. If its more negative than positive something needs to change.

MiddleParking · 31/10/2021 17:44

No YANBU, he was being an annoying mithering bastard, OP. Seems there’s a lot of it about

Aliceinunderland · 31/10/2021 23:08

Some weird replies on here OP. I'd be annoyed too in that situation. So he saw the clothes for three days and didn't put them away. He sounds like he was waiting to see how long it would take you to put them away then made a big song and dance about it when you're bathing the baby. I'd find that highly rude. What stopped him putting them away? Does he pull his weight generally?

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