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Original poster

Partner's treats his hobby as a priority

64 replies

Sunny1122 · 31/10/2021 06:47

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner for 10 years, I have a child from a previous relationship. My partner and I, have just had a baby. My partner has always been sporty, he was this way when I met him. Our relationship across the years has always been a bit rocky and a large portion of that is because of the amount of time he dedicates to his hobby. We both have worked full time, but the weekends when we should have had some sort of family time was always down to his availability. His hobby takes him out the house for both days of the weekends, not for a few hours but literally the whole day. I have always felt that he dictates when and if we have family time/ together time and that I have no control over that. Over the years, foolishly I have become accustomed to this. His hobby has affected us having any plans over weekends together or with family, we have even had years without having dates and months without being physical, because he was always tired from work and the weekends he is was never here.

I hoped it may have changed when I was pregnant, and it did temporarily near my due date. Now I have baby, its as if nothing has changed at all. When I have spoken to him about it and he knows I am unhappy, he may watch baby a bit longer one evening or I may get impromptu flowers or a takeaway but he still goes every weekend. I feel limited in what I can say, as he works hard and this is his outlet.

Now I have two children, one who is a teenager. There are no activities I can do, that my teenager enjoys, whilst having the baby. We are always just stuck in the house. I'm scared this is going to drive a wedge between myself and my teenager (and I'm running out of time when they will still want to hang out with their mum!)

My partner is a lovely person in general, but treats his hobby as a priority and always has. In the past I have tried to end our relationship, because I didn't like how it made me feel. It knocked my confidence and how I perceived myself, and I felt very lonely (whats the point in having a boyfriend if you spend no quality time together). But he is a good person and we have so much history, we always ended up getting back together. Now we have a baby, I feel like a caged bird, as his life hasn't changed, and I am picking up the slack for that, in caring for our family.

I just feel like I am in a never ending loop and I am so tired of it.

I would be grateful for any advice, as I feel like I'm so close to the situation, I can't think or see how to handle it.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 31/10/2021 06:58

How is he a lovely person? As far as I can see he's ignoring your needs and his child. He's putting himself first every weekend without any consideration of how that affects your life. How is that a relationship?

You are nanny, housekeeper, and bed warmer for when he feels like coming home. Very few relationships can survive that.

Sundancerintherain · 31/10/2021 07:00

He isn't lovely he is selfish. Hobby sound like cycling, golf or sailing.

freelions · 31/10/2021 07:04

You've been with him 10 years so you know very well how he chooses to spend his weekends

Did he indicate before or during your pregnancy that once you had a child together he would change his priorities?

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 31/10/2021 07:05

He’s a cyclist isn’t he? It’s always cyclists on these threads. (I am a cyclist).

Get a shared calendar - dh and I share an iPhone calendar - and book yourself some time away.

Original poster
Sunny1122 · 31/10/2021 07:06

Title should say partner not partner's... fat thumbs :p

OP posts:
AnkleDeep · 31/10/2021 07:07

He isn't lovely he's horrible.

SunShinesBrightly · 31/10/2021 07:10

Agree. The man is not ‘lovely’. His behaviour is selfish and he is self-absorbed.

Parky04 · 31/10/2021 07:17

He is extremely selfish. Before we had kids I played cricket, I went from playing every week to 1 in 4. My DW also did her hobby 1 in 4. When the kids were 16 I returned to playing cricket once a week again. When you are in a relationship/have children you have to compromise, sadly it sounds as though your DH is unwilling do that. Your resentment will only continue to build.

Original poster
Sunny1122 · 31/10/2021 07:20

He told me he would reduce his time away. He did for two weeks after baby, then on the third weekend he had to do the full weekend because they were short on players, and he has done every full weekend since then. His compromise is he comes back maybe an hour earlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunny1122 · 31/10/2021 07:24

He isn't a cyclist, he plays football, not as a professional -but they are in a league of some desript that he plays in with friends. He travels sometimes 3 hours to get to matches. Even when he plays closer, he still is out the majority of the day.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 07:25

His compromise needs to be a family day every fortnight as a minimum, surely?

Is this a dealbreaker?

If it is, tell him and mean it.

He's a parent now but you're doing everything.

Pret50 · 31/10/2021 07:26

As other posters have said he is not lovely. I can relate totally to your situation. My exh hobby (and it wasn't cycling!)took up every Saturday and Sunday April to September and at least one evening per week all year round. I was basically nanny and housekeeper and very miserable in addition to working full time. I am so glad that my life is no longer like that.

SpinachIsAGatewayDrug · 31/10/2021 07:26

Tell him straight: every Sunday (or whatever) you are going out with your teenager and he needs to be home to look after the baby. It's not fair he ducks out of it all weekend, every weekend. If one of you gets a day off, you both do.

What is it with these men that think childcare is optional for them? This self centeredness is the least lovely trait I can think of.

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2021 07:33

He’s selfish but it doesn’t sound like he’s ever really been any different. Do you really want this half hearted excuse of a relationship?

Bum1 · 31/10/2021 07:36

I hoped it may have changed when I was pregnant

Honestly, they should put this on the school curriculum.

Having a baby will not improve a shit, selfish man

olympicsrock · 31/10/2021 07:42

This is a half life that you are living. I know how it feels. You deserve to be happy ans have a partner who wants to spend time with you.
Give him an ultimatum- shape up or ship out. He plays football no more than one weekend day each week. Even so there should be time for you , time for him AND family time.
If he doesn’t want this ans value you , you would be better off alone.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/10/2021 07:47

You really should have expected this, he was never going to change.
And I can’t see him wanting his child 50% of the time if you split.

shylatte · 31/10/2021 07:48

OP you have been very unwise in having a baby with him. He doesn't want a family, he wants dinner on the table and someone to wash his clothes so that his weekends are free for footie. Sorry to say this but constantly breaking up and getting back together must have been unsettling for your now teen. This man will not change because he has no intention of doing so.

If you want to remain housemates in this relationship you need to prioritise your dc, rather than "being stuck at home". Book a childminder for baby (dp can pay, it's only fair) and do something with your teen for a few hours at the weekends. As you say it won't be long before they don't want to spend any time with you. Don't get to that stage and really regret not doing it.

SunShinesBrightly · 31/10/2021 07:49

@Bum1

I hoped it may have changed when I was pregnant

Honestly, they should put this on the school curriculum.

Having a baby will not improve a shit, selfish man

Having a baby will not improve a shit, selfish man Exactly this!
MakeWayMoana · 31/10/2021 07:51

Just tell him surely? Agree with him that he can only do one day per weekend, then start making plans. Dave, could you let the team know you’re not available next Sunday as me and teen are going to X so need you to have baby. Dave I’ve booked us all tickets to see panto on 11th December so you won’t be able to play football. I’m off out with my mates next Saturday lunch time, you’ll have to miss the match.

Start prioritising yourself, the way he clearly does.

WaltzingBetty · 31/10/2021 07:54

I don't really understand why you chose to have a baby with a man who is obviously committed to a sport assuming that he'd change Confused

If he's spent all weekend for years prioritising his hobby over your relationship then that ingrained behaviour pattern isn't going to change

You've let him treat you as low priority for years

GiltEdges · 31/10/2021 07:57

I feel limited in what I can say, as he works hard and this is his outlet.

A lot of people work hard during the week. They still make time for their partner/family at the weekends. Where is your outlet?

You've been with him 10 years so you know very well how he chooses to spend his weekends

Also this. Did you ask? Discuss it properly? Or were you just hoping for the best that things would change?

I think you have to be honest with yourself OP and accept that you're not going to be happy or fulfilled in this relationship and cut your losses. If you split now, at least once your baby is older you'll get some time to yourself / to spend with your older child during his contact time. Otherwise, reconcile yourself to an eternity of coming second place to his hobby.

Treacletoots · 31/10/2021 07:58

Well your first mistake was expecting him to change. People don't change OP.

But you are where you are. I'd point out to him that when you divorce him that he'll have to look after his children 50% of the time, including his precious weekends, and you'll get that time to yourself. Sounds good doesnt it?

You need to get your ducks in a row and take steps to becoming separated because he's already shown you he doesn't care enough to actually share the responsibility of his family.

There's a slim chance that if he really believes you've had enough that it might shock him into stop being such a selfish bell end to Dave his family. But he won't change just because you ask him to. He's shown you that. Don't waste your breath because as it stands he doesn't want to change.

The only want to get someone to change is to show them what they will lose if you left. And they have to believe it.

Treacletoots · 31/10/2021 07:59

*save obviously, not Dave Confused

GoodnightGrandma · 31/10/2021 08:02

@Treacletoots

Well your first mistake was expecting him to change. People don't change OP.

But you are where you are. I'd point out to him that when you divorce him that he'll have to look after his children 50% of the time, including his precious weekends, and you'll get that time to yourself. Sounds good doesnt it?

You need to get your ducks in a row and take steps to becoming separated because he's already shown you he doesn't care enough to actually share the responsibility of his family.

There's a slim chance that if he really believes you've had enough that it might shock him into stop being such a selfish bell end to Dave his family. But he won't change just because you ask him to. He's shown you that. Don't waste your breath because as it stands he doesn't want to change.

The only want to get someone to change is to show them what they will lose if you left. And they have to believe it.

They’re not married.
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