Partner's treats his hobby as a priority

[Sunny1122]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner for 10 years, I have a child from a previous relationship. My partner and I, have just had a baby. My partner has always been sporty, he was this way when I met him. Our relationship across the years has always been a bit rocky and a large portion of that is because of the amount of time he dedicates to his hobby. We both have worked full time, but the weekends when we should have had some sort of family time was always down to his availability. His hobby takes him out the house for both days of the weekends, not for a few hours but literally the whole day. I have always felt that he dictates when and if we have family time/ together time and that I have no control over that. Over the years, foolishly I have become accustomed to this. His hobby has affected us having any plans over weekends together or with family, we have even had years without having dates and months without being physical, because he was always tired from work and the weekends he is was never here.

I hoped it may have changed when I was pregnant, and it did temporarily near my due date. Now I have baby, its as if nothing has changed at all. When I have spoken to him about it and he knows I am unhappy, he may watch baby a bit longer one evening or I may get impromptu flowers or a takeaway but he still goes every weekend. I feel limited in what I can say, as he works hard and this is his outlet.

Now I have two children, one who is a teenager. There are no activities I can do, that my teenager enjoys, whilst having the baby. We are always just stuck in the house. I'm scared this is going to drive a wedge between myself and my teenager (and I'm running out of time when they will still want to hang out with their mum!)

My partner is a lovely person in general, but treats his hobby as a priority and always has. In the past I have tried to end our relationship, because I didn't like how it made me feel. It knocked my confidence and how I perceived myself, and I felt very lonely (whats the point in having a boyfriend if you spend no quality time together). But he is a good person and we have so much history, we always ended up getting back together. Now we have a baby, I feel like a caged bird, as his life hasn't changed, and I am picking up the slack for that, in caring for our family.

I just feel like I am in a never ending loop and I am so tired of it.

I would be grateful for any advice, as I feel like I'm so close to the situation, I can't think or see how to handle it.

He also has a baby.

Hey OP my partner coaches football every weekend and still manages to clean the house, spends time with us on weekends and I don't feel neglected in any way. He's never missed any important event and if I've been unwell (I have hyperemesis) he's not gone to football at his own choice because he says he needs to be home.

Your husband is choosing to do this knowing how you feel. I wouldn't stay with a man like that personally. Especially since he's prioritising his hobby over your child

I had a boyfriend like this. Just one of the reasons it did not progress to a more serious relationship. He won't change.

Tell him no you can't be out both days that weekend as I have plans you need to deal with the baby.

Start expecting him to be a partner and a parent. He won't stop as he has no incentive to. Why should he things are fi e he is living the life he wants.

So start having expectations of him. Make some non negotiable.

Or alternatively leave

Why on earth did you have a baby with this man? You knew full well that his hobby took all his time so from that perspective YABU as you knew what you were letting yourself in for.
Why can’t you go out with your teenager and bring baby along?

If he complains "but I have plans" head tilt. Yes that's a shame what day do you want the baby Saturday or Sunday..

If he starts to blame you for making his life difficult.. "Are you really suggesting my plans are not as important as your hobby?"

Thank you so much everyone for all your comments. You have really delivered some serious home truths. I needed to read it. I have very much made my own bed. As one person wrote, its not like he deceived me, this is the person he was when I met him.
I honestly did believe things would be different with baby, especially after he said he would make changes.

We lost a baby late in pregnancy a few years ago and he was amazing and supportive, we got eachother through a time I never thought I would survive.
That's another reason why I stayed. We've been through hell and back, I guess because of that, I make excuses and allowances. But I feel very much alone and as someone wrote, living a half life. I need to be the best version of me, because I have two little people who need me to be.

I need figure what I need to do, to ensure that I am that person.

Thank you all so much again.

Hmmm a football match takes 90 min

Even with a bit of travel he should not be out all day

A training session I assume is local

How is he eating on these days? Meals out or takes his own?

Can you start to schedule some time In for you and your dd. Give him the times and days you want to spend with your dd so he can have the baby. Tell him this is YOUR time. He has his hobby, you get time to spend with your dd. Then you could also schedule in time together.

Why is he out if the house all day. A football match is 90 minutes. I'm presuming he's off to the pub and socialising afterwards. Tell him he can play football then come straight home. He can drive himself there and back again. That should give him more time.

My dh plays golf, but he will be in the golf course at first light so he's often home as I'm just up and about. It's all about compromise. Trouble is you are doing the compromising and he's not.

What did you do with your eldest child at weekends before the baby was born ?
Did you go out & about ?
Does your teenager belong to any clubs or sports ?
Can you walk to a park together ?

I’d definitely be making him pay for a babysitter, and a cleaner too.
If you chose to stay at least for now - you need to make your life at least comfortable. And that means - if your partner isn’t there to help - get that help somewhere else.
This way you’ll at least get to spend time with your eldest.
Secondly - I’d be booking weekends away to do things with your teen. I’d have been doing it all along actually. If your partner doesn’t want to do things - why should it be stopping you from doing things.

Finally, if his parents are around - I’d be inviting them over all the time. And asking them to do their share. In place of their son.
It may get through to him that he needs to step up.

Finally - unless he becomes more involved in some shape or form - I’d be playing a long game and planning my exit.
There are plenty of men who aren’t around much to help with kids - at least in the Daya before covid a lot of the hi flying london professionals were in that category. But at least then they can provide enough so that there is enough help. And nice family holidays. And even they do try to make sure they dedicate some time to the kids… (Sunday dads in the playground, pools, etc)

Your ‘Partner’ is essentially behaving as a single man who is using your house as a way station between his gratifying weekends away.

His obsession has sabotaged your/your child’s lives for many years, and now he is also neglecting the baby by investing his quality time elsewhere.

Yes, he was supportive when you lost your other child, but then at some point he reverted to his ‘default’ position of disengagement from family life. When blessed with your new baby’s arrival, he broke his agreement and pulled his support after a mere 2 weeks. That is beyond pathetic, but hardly surprising.

OP, how long will you flog this dead horse? He couldn’t care less about sharing family experiences/responsibilities or about bonding with the baby. He is well aware of your feelings and has had 10 years to make real changes, but is underinvested and unremorseful. This is a very poor relationship model for your children to learn from.

In your shoes, I would be formulating an exit strategy.

Hi,

Wondering if there’s any update to this? I’m in a very similar situation, trying to figure out what to do for the best

Hey,

So we broke up. It wasn't my descion, he started seeing someone else after I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. (great guy!) I don't know your situation, but posters on here were right. He was never going to change and now he has someone who doesn't have children and he can play as much football as he likes.
It makes all of my sadness and heartache, and desire to fix something that was already broken, truly wasted, as he simply wasn't worth that energy. He didn't respect or care, in the end it was all so clear.

I guess with a baby I felt anchored down to keep trying, I was naive to think change could happen.

My advice would be to cut and run, before more pain is caused for you. If you are posting on here, then you know you have a problem that isn't being resolved, no matter how many conversations you have. My situation now, is amazing. I wake up happy knowing, I am not investing time in someone who wouldn't put that energy into me or our family. It was hard at first, but once I got my head right, my family life right and work too, I honestly can't ever imagine life with that miserable so called man, who drained my light. We don't have to settle, or make excuses for crap behaviour. Relationships, should be supportive and a partnership, you should never feel alone or at a loss consitently, or trapped. We do co-parent, and I get time to do 'me', eventhough I hated being without my baby. But you adjust, there is no choice but too. Things do work out and things do get so much better, even if you can't see that at the time.

I wish you all the best, you know the answer in your heart xx