Partner's treats his hobby as a priority

[Sunny1122]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my partner for 10 years, I have a child from a previous relationship. My partner and I, have just had a baby. My partner has always been sporty, he was this way when I met him. Our relationship across the years has always been a bit rocky and a large portion of that is because of the amount of time he dedicates to his hobby. We both have worked full time, but the weekends when we should have had some sort of family time was always down to his availability. His hobby takes him out the house for both days of the weekends, not for a few hours but literally the whole day. I have always felt that he dictates when and if we have family time/ together time and that I have no control over that. Over the years, foolishly I have become accustomed to this. His hobby has affected us having any plans over weekends together or with family, we have even had years without having dates and months without being physical, because he was always tired from work and the weekends he is was never here.

I hoped it may have changed when I was pregnant, and it did temporarily near my due date. Now I have baby, its as if nothing has changed at all. When I have spoken to him about it and he knows I am unhappy, he may watch baby a bit longer one evening or I may get impromptu flowers or a takeaway but he still goes every weekend. I feel limited in what I can say, as he works hard and this is his outlet.

Now I have two children, one who is a teenager. There are no activities I can do, that my teenager enjoys, whilst having the baby. We are always just stuck in the house. I'm scared this is going to drive a wedge between myself and my teenager (and I'm running out of time when they will still want to hang out with their mum!)

My partner is a lovely person in general, but treats his hobby as a priority and always has. In the past I have tried to end our relationship, because I didn't like how it made me feel. It knocked my confidence and how I perceived myself, and I felt very lonely (whats the point in having a boyfriend if you spend no quality time together). But he is a good person and we have so much history, we always ended up getting back together. Now we have a baby, I feel like a caged bird, as his life hasn't changed, and I am picking up the slack for that, in caring for our family.

I just feel like I am in a never ending loop and I am so tired of it.

I would be grateful for any advice, as I feel like I'm so close to the situation, I can't think or see how to handle it.

Lower your expectations. He won't change.

Be glad that he pops home for food and sex, and make sure you have his clothes nice and clean and food on the table.

Did he actually even want a baby? Because he’s not acting like it.

@MerryChristmasToYou

Lower your expectations. He won't change.

Be glad that he pops home for food and sex, and make sure you have his clothes nice and clean and food on the table.

Haha! Not helpful MerryChristmas!

I'd be asking him if all the other members on the team are away the length of time he is. Do they honestly all do both days at the weekend? I can't see many families standing for that!

Yeah he’s not going to change. You’d be better off completely single then you wouldn’t have to worry about him at all. He’s a selfish arse.

This might sound harsh - but you've known for years (before you got together, and during the entire relationship) that his hobby involved this. Why would you continue a relationship in the hopes that eventually he will stop doing his hobby? Why would you think having a baby would change things?

My DH has a mumsnet hated hobby (golf). I knew this before we got together, and during the relationship. I wouldn't decide now, 8 years in to the relationship to kick off and tell him he needs to stop doing one of his favourite things, that he loves, because I can no longer accept it. That's just not fair, - it's not like he deceived you for years, then once baby arrived decided to be out all of the time.

Why are there no things you can do with both a teenager and a baby? You need to get yourself out of the house on the weekends - otherwise you'll be at home with your DC getting more and more annoyed. Surely you could start a routine of going for breakfast / coffee somewhere, popping to a shop or two for a browse then picking something to make together for lunch as an example?

If the relationship was rocky over the past 10 years because of the hobby, you should have ended it. There's no point sticking around for years then having a child, then suddenly deciding it's make or break!

There’s no reason you can’t take your baby to things your teen wants to do.
If you were a single parent you’d have no choice.

It sounds like you might be in a bit of a sticky situation if you did decide to split, with not being married.
Do you own your house ?
Do you have a job/private pension ?

Is the teenager yours not his?

Why don’t you just say no you are not willing to do all the parenting all weekend?
What do you think he’ll do, leave you? Are you that desperate for the crumbs he throws you and your children’s way?

@Theuniverseandeverything

Is the teenager yours not his?

Yes.

Have you actually told him it is not okay?

Have you actually told him he needs to cut down and spend more time at home?

Do you get to have a day off? Even if you did it would probably mean no family time.

If this is an issue, you either have to put up with it or decide you're NOT going to put up with it and separate/ divorce.

Get him to stop / find a balance.
Put up with it.
End it.

Have you pointed out if you threw him out and he had the minimum contact of every other weekend and one night in the week, that would be more time with his child and force him to be a more involved father than he has now living as a family unit. Or you could ask him if you split up would he just be one of those absent fathers who can't be arsed spending any time with this child and tells all their friends and family his ex is a cow who won't let him see his kid?

You were ridiculous to expect him to change. Its shit he doesn't care enough about his child to want to spend time with them. But that's who he is. I would say there are 2 days available child free each week, as you are both parents to your baby, why does he think he's entitled to take them both and leave you with no day baby free ever? Why does he think you shouldn't be allowed half the child free days - and no, evenings are not comparable.

@Sunny1122

He told me he would reduce his time away. He did for two weeks after baby, then on the third weekend he had to do the full weekend because they were short on players, and he has done every full weekend since then. His compromise is he comes back maybe an hour earlier.

Oh so he did promise it would be different, but then decided he preferred football to his child. Nice. Point out he said it would be less.

Also stop with the he has to do full weekends - this isn't paid work, he hasn't signed a contract, he is chosing to do this as he is saying yes. If the club won't accept he can only do limited time playing, then he'll have to give up.

He is a rubbish partner, but even worse right now he's a shit father. Do not let him lie to himself he's not. Be clear to him you (and everyone else around) think he's a terrible parent. He has a limited time to turn the around. Its not about you, its about your child.

@Bum1

I hoped it may have changed when I was pregnant

Honestly, they should put this on the school curriculum.

Having a baby will not improve a shit, selfish man

Agreed.

Op you hoped he would want to stay in the bed with his baby. You already knew he didn't want to stay in to be with you.

He didn't.

The only positive thing I can think to say is that baby is portable and there is still stuff you can do with your teenager. Try not to feel guilty.

Not 'in the bed' my key board is possessed

Now I have baby
Yes. Shame he doesn't understand that he ALSO has a baby.

On the spending time with your teenager part - just do activities that teen will enjoy and baby tags along. A small baby won't care!

But you need to read your DH the riot act. Would you even notice if you split up with him if he's at work all week and hobby all weekend? Sounds like he contributes nothing to family life at all.

@Bum1

I hoped it may have changed when I was pregnant

Honestly, they should put this on the school curriculum.

Having a baby will not improve a shit, selfish man

Preach!

OP was very naive to expect him to change. But what is done is done.

@Sunny1122 you get what you tolerate. Put your foot down and give him an ultimatum. He needs to cut the hobby time down to one day a week (or whatever works for you) or the relationship it over.

@spotcheck

Now I have baby Yes. Shame he doesn't understand that he ALSO has a baby.

. . . She's letting him get away with it though. Of course he should understand but a lot of people if given an inch will take a mile.

Sunny1122 you get what you tolerate. Put your foot down and give him an ultimatum. He needs to cut the hobby time down to one day a week (or whatever works for you) or the relationship it over

This. He has proven that no other approach will work-and this may not, so you need to be prepared to follow through.

You already live separate lives. Weekend is family time. Of course it’s ok to have hobbies but every weekend?

If you don’t want to leave then I would just get on with my life. Plan weekends without him and make trips with my children. I wouldn’t even bother to ask him at all.

Weekends while he is readying himself to go I would also be actively getting ready to do things on my own. Times where I’m away for the weekend he would come home to notes on the refrigerator saying I would be back Monday night etc.

My advice for women in relationships like this is to stop asking and just grey rock and just get on with living life. These men don’t want to participate in family life. So don’t force them.. if you’re not leaving then you are agreeing to this. So just get on with life.

No one in their right mind would even think being away from your family EVERY weekend for a hobby is ok. And your husband knows this. He just doesn’t care.

What's your financial standing, @Sunny1122? Do you work? Who owns the house?

Since he sounds like he does very little parenting, does he at least contribute financially?

Would you be in a position to split and handle the kids alone or will he call your bluff if you threaten separation?

Very unwise to have a baby with such a selfish guy and outside of marriage. You might not have much leverage unfortunately.

Personally I would find a babysitter in the short term. And make plans to leave. See how he juggles a baby eow then.
And I hope your weekends aren't filled doing his laundry etc...

@Pumpkinsonparade

Personally I would find a babysitter in the short term. And make plans to leave. See how he juggles a baby eow then. And I hope your weekends aren't filled doing his laundry etc...

And he needs to be the one paying for the babysitter!