October 2021 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Its late October 2021 now, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Picking up from previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread?pg=39

Forerunning threads since December 2007 are linked on the previous threads if you want to click back and have a look.

This thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hi all. I was here many moons ago and not ready to talk fully about what my childhood had done to me, but years of therapy has put me in a place where I can, and want to. I hope it's okay for me to jump back in.

Life is unbelivably hard for us right now. We're currently homeless (please, if you see this and know who I am from private social media, don't out me) and living in emergency accomodation, and my parents are using it to their advantage. My mum has always strived for a co-dependant dynamic and very much has a saviour complex. My dad is just an outright narc. Currently they have a lot of our belongings... and my cat. Everything happened too quickly when we were moved into here for us to find other options, and financially we were stuck too.

Over the last few years I've managed to keep some distance between us and it's been a hugely positive choice, however because of what we're dealing with now, I've been forced back into spending more time with them. I'm frustrated, and they're managing to get under my skin and into my head again.

There's a lot of gaslighting going on, and a lot of putting my sibling and partner up on a pedastool while treating us like crap. I've been challenging their behaviour where I can but am having to tread carefully.

Funnily enough, it was a comment from my mother that had me thinking to come back to this thread: "you said Christmas is difficult... Have you completely forgotten that year we took you to Disneyland for New Year? I know it was a long time ago, but a bit of graditude wouldn't go amiss..."

Anyway. I'm rambling a bit; this is my first post back in several years, and I'm just hoping for some support to get through the Christmas season, and then the rest of the time I'm forced to depend on them to this degree. We don't know how long we'll be homeless, I'm having a lot of trouble with my housing officer, despite input from everyone I can possible nag.

@FeyreCursebreaker hi, glad you're back but sorry to hear things are so awful for you right now.

I am very firmly of the opinion that NC is the only way to achieve happiness and equilibrium.

I should have done it years ago. It isn't easy, but it isn't any harder than having an abuser in your life ime.

Will you be able to be re-housed in the NY?

My update is that I'm doing ok. My youngest is out of school atm and hard work. We are trying to find the right school for him but it is slow-going.

I was sad and furious to hear about the little boys who died because their Mum left them home alone. I was left with my siblings while my parents fucked off abroad as a child.

Society treats birth parents like they can do no wrong. Because parents always love their children don't they? We all have to pretend that 'low level' abuse is ok because the the parent 'tries their best'.

I feel very angry at how few rights we give children.

@CecileDeRetour
You might have been only semi-serious about changing your name but it's not a silly idea at all.

I changed my surname and some of first name when much younger before going to university in a different city as an early 20's adult. All my uni friends and work colleagues only know me by that name and even the few school friends I stayed in touch with have almost forgotten I used to have a different name.

If I had chosen to go NC with family at the time (it was more LC) I am fairly sure no one would have tracked me down (though there was no social media then, so now you'd have to stay off that/not post photo's or identifying info).

I realise there are loads of reasons why walking away from your life and starting again somewhere else might seem ridiculous or impossible and it IS pretty dramatic but a fresh start might well be the best option? Even if it means swearing some people to secrecy about your new identity.

Whatever you do, do it for you. You owe your parents nothing. And PLEASE take up the placement opportunity.

@MrsBobDylan We're hoping so. But it's not looking promising at the moment. Having real difficulties with the professionals involved, and of course, while it's not their fault, the longer they mess around for, the longer I have to accept this situation with my parents. Before now I was very LC with both of them, having gone NC with my dad for about 18 months a while ago before my mum manipulated me back into speaking to him (using my son, long story). I'm really noticing how toxic it all is now being back in this level of contact.

I'm really sorry that things are so rough with your youngest at the moment, and I can't imagine just how triggering that news story must have been for you. I couldn't agree with you more about how society acts about low level abuse. Much love.

Hi everyone, I've been NC with my Mother for nearly 2 years now.
Recently it was my birthday and has sent me some money on the wrong day incidentally, by bank transfer under a bill payment. I've only just realised because I was checking my statement to see if something had gone out yet.

I've had a knee jerk dropped stomach feeling because I've made my feelings clear to her, I don't want contact and I don't want gifts, she's not supposed to know my address but that got crapped on already.

My instinct was to send it back but then I wonder if this is just getting into contact in a weird way? Or keep it because to be honest I could do with it, which feels horrible and a bit like theft because I dislike her so much or even donate it which would be a charitable thing to do with the money but would also be a bit of a wrench now, even though 10mins ago in my head I didn't know it existed.

Ugh it's all a mess! I don't know what to do and I just wish she would fuck off and leave me alone and hadn't sent it in the first place.

I would donate it to s cause I knew she would disagree with

@Maxiedog123

I would donate it to s cause I knew she would disagree with

Ha ha! That's very good, I quite like that :) Any ideas for a worthy women's charity in Scotland would be appreciated.

Head round the door for a bit of an eyeroll.
Bloody woman is in hospital again, same shit (literally) different day.

It's the anniversary of my late husband's death on Monday, and it's always a difficult time for her because HE WAS SO LOVELY and she can't cope. Obviously my dead husband is all about her.
We were supposed to be going shopping on Monday for my Christmas present but obviously now I don't get Christmas presents because "it's an addiction and she can't help it". Some time in February I will probably get a card with a ten pound note in it and a massive pity-party.
DH doesn't get one either but since he can't stand the bloody woman and would prefer not to have anything from her at all, that's all good.

So she's chosen to drink herself into hospital, because obvs the NHS have got nothing more to deal with than a sodden, shit-stained old drunk who won't engage with her addiction, but she thinks we're going to have her round here for Christmas dinner?
She can fuck the fuck off with that, all the way to that sign that says "do not fuck off past this point" and then keep fucking off hereafter.
Not only does she think she's having Christmas dinner here but she can't POSSIBLY walk that far (150 yards, natch, just about as far as...oh...her house to the booze shop and back) so she's expecting DH to drive down and get her.

Pahahahahaaaaaa it's going to be a cold, cold Christmas without us

I've dropped by on these threads under various names over the years.

A few days ago I drove along a road I drove down sometimes with my parents and felt all the old boiling rage against my bloody father, and remembered my younger self keeping her head down in the back seat while he raged/ manipulated/ bragged in the front.

I was wondering if anyone has any recommendations for books about growing up with nightmare fathers (specifically; I was very fortunate that my mother was a truly lovely person). Looking back, he fits the profile of a narcissist. Everything was always all about him, he was selfish, boastful, self-important, controlling and manipulative. And idle. Bone bloody idle. Nothing was ever his fault, he had a ludicrously short fuse. He spent a lot of energy putting people down, me and DM in particular. Oh, and all of DM's family (thick, unambitious, over indulged their DC etc). All I felt when he died 20 years ago was massive relief.

And I realised, driving down that road, that I could really do with sorting some more of this shit out. I've got a good life, a lovely DH, good relationships with my DC and am generally pretty happy, but I'd benefit from understanding better what he did, why he did it and what impact it had on me. I get easily stressed about shit I shouldn't stress about, I can't cope with angry men (so when DH loses it I feel my adrenaline go through the roof) and I cope badly with conflict (I either duck out entirely or lose my shit entirely, I find it very hard to strike a sensible balance). I find it hard to stand up for myself in verbal disagreements, find it very hard to think of answers, because I think the whole fight/flight mechanism just wants out (I can defend myself over email just fine).

That was much longer than I thought it would be. Thanks to anyone who got to the end. Specific book suggestions very welcome.

God, he was such a bastard. I thought I'd resolved the rage he induced in me but I really haven't.

TheGrinchsDog

Do not return the money but instead donate it to a charity. Acknowledging it at all by sending it back is a response and to people like your mother that is the reward. Radio silence must be maintained here.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. The Hag. Just had a work trip to Cardiff from Weds and then catching up with my bro and his boyf in Nottingham. Great to see them.

Great to not endure the Hag’s constant fucking spite and rage to Mr Monkey which I either overhear or Mr Monkey needs to overload.

Both of these are infinitely preferable to see her in person. I have limited this to four occasions this year despite the bitch’s lair being 10 minutes walk from here. I’ve divested myself of ANY responsibilities for her. Mr Monkey completely understands and there is no tension about it. And no pressure as he feels the same.

Christmas been the inevitable drama - every Fucking year - where she’s angry about it. She’s lonely which is her own fault. We are not providing Hag Daycare of her coming here each and every day to glower on the sofa and expect to be waited on. Which is what she used to do to her disabled other son. But now she is too frail to climb his death trap stairs.

She decided because my Saintly Mother did not invite her to hers for two weeks (which has NEVER happened before and will NOT happen) that she would throw a major strop and decide to go to DISABLED son for a few days (he’s 10 minutes drive) with death trap stairs, bathroom upstairs and no spare room.

“Oh, it’s alright I’lol sleep in an armchair”

Disabled son did not invite her. Naturally.

Then she decides HE will sleep on the sofa and she will have his room.
No words. But, of course, there is the martyrdom of his being disabled every day that she wears like a fucking medal. Conveniently forgotten when she wants something,

Last weekend, she threw a strop about going round to her nephew’s for half an hour (round the corner from ours) Quite easy to get a cab. She complained about going round despite whining about never seeing them or anyone or them never ringing her. She, of course, won’t ring them. She decides that disabled son can drive Mr Monkey and her to nephew’s house and get this, disabled can wait outside in the car. Mr Monkey sorts this so this doesn’t happen.

I have just come home to more Xmas drama. She’s whining that going to Xmas day and Boxing Day is too much driving for my mum. To much coming and going. This is of course utter bollocks about the Hag wanting to invite herself for longer. I cannot believe what a selfish and manipulative fucking bitch she is. My mum will not invite her for any longer.

“Oh, I’ll just stay st home”

We’ve compromised by allowing her to come at all and stay overnight. Also the thought of the drama of her falling at BIL and us picking up the pieces. Mr Monkey and I are agreed that we will NEVER care for the witch here after 10 weeks of dire company over the last two years.

Conversation with my brother in law who has similar coercive Narc mother aka Cruella reminded me how vile she is at Xmas when she’s sT there glowering with jealousy at my mum’s nice house (which she wants to descend on for two weeks) I cannot believe that anyone can be that hideous.

I’m going to exist in a haze of wine for two days.

‘That’s not two days. Coming on Xmas Day morning and going home on Boxing Day afternoon’

Yes, it fucking is.

I will get through Xmas and remind myself I will not see her again until well into 2022. Preferably at her frigging funeral.

Where are narcs created? Which planet?

To anyone else dreading the most wonderful time of the year I send you my sympathy.

@MrsRussell feeling very guilty reading your post because I drink very self-destructively, and my parents often tell me I’m a burden on the NHS, which I’m quite aware of now. The only thing I can say to defend myself is that when I’ve been separated from my parents and not been actually stalked, I have had no problems at all staying sober and at this point my drinking is more like repeated suicide attempts given how ill I get every time.

I’m going to speak to someone in the hospital this time because I do just want to get out now and not continue to be self-destructive and waste my life, but I don’t know what to say really. They’ve only locked me in a couple of times and been violent a few times (to me) and quite a lot of what they do now can be justified by needing to keep an eye on me/look after me. However I realised two days ago that looking after me doesn’t really amount to much unless they are choosing what I eat, wear, where I go etc which I don’t want and no longer accept. For example, when I was lying there with what I now know was a collapsed lung and several broken ribs my mum wandered into my room, took a picture of my alcohol and walked out again saying she needed to prove that I had been drinking. She then went to stay with a friend.

People who have met her in real life, and my past therapists and friends understand and say that I need to get away but I have no idea how to put this into words without just saying “my mother is a colossal narcissist and I have no privacy, autonomy or sense of self left” but that’s not very substantial. I just don’t want to be like this any more. I’ve been so self-destructive since the age of 8, and I’m desperate to ask for help, advocacy, help moving out, whatever, but I don’t know how to say it! Any help appreciated. Thanks in advance…

@CecileDeRetour
I think you use alcohol as a coping mechanism.
I think you need to say that they are coercive and you are a victim of coercive control. It doesn’t matter that they’ve been violent ‘only a few times’ of locked you in ‘a few times’ it’s abuse. If that was a partner , what would the police do?

Write down what you have experienced - you don’t need an essay - to frame the conversation. Rather than saying it’s my fault, you should start to say ‘I’m made to feel it’s my fault’.

Hugs. X

They only need to be violent or lock you up occasionally for the threat to be constant. no wonder you have leant on alcohol. xxx

@CecileDeRetour actually I should thank you - it's easy for me to forget that whatever else she is, she's a hurting and damaged person too and she doesn't choose to be like this. Sometimes I speak in anger and forget that, and you have reminded me. So thank you x

Please do talk to the hospital. Two of my friends have worked the AA Twelve Steps successfully (ten years and twenty plus years respectively) it works for many, it doesn't work for everyone. Self refer to We Are With You if that helps, residential rehab for 8 weeks or so might solve more than one problem.

And the thing is, lovely, you deserve better and it is no wonder you have leant on alcohol, but you are, I think, young enough and self-aware enough to change how the story plays out and you deserve that too.

Good luck x

@MrsRussell thank you. I have actually just come out of hospital and there was a strong 12 Step component there, and I stayed sober the whole time and ended up as group leader. As soon as I got out the transformation was pretty dramatic, I stopped wanting to get out of bed, I started isolated again, I stopped taking care of myself, and I relapsed. My PTSD symptoms got hugely worse. Of course everything I had learned about boundaries and communication was a bit useless in the face of my parents. I think you and @MonkeyfromManchester and @UserBot are right that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism, as I did my ED and then self-harm before, as I’m capable of having one drink then stopping, one cigarette then nothing for weeks, or using codeine for painkilling and then stopping. I know alternative coping skills which I am capable of using, but at this point when I drink it’s basically a suicide attempt every single time now, which feels horrible.

So I’ll be at home today or tomorrow and my parents have both started texting offering lifts. My mother is demanding to know why I’m not detoxing - I don’t need to detox - and telling me it sounds serious. I am incredibly worried about going back as it is but also that they are going to use this as another justification for why I need “looking after”. The problem is that “looking after” means constant surveillance to the extent that my mum tells me she knows when I get up in the night, being expected to spend my time with my parents and my mum being able to go through all my stuff, like my diary and my psychiatrist’s letters. She used this to control, carry out smear campaigns and humiliate me. Before I went to hospital my mum walked brazenly into my room, photographed a bottle and walked out. I asked why, she said “I need to be able to prove you’ve been drinking” and then walked off and went to visit a friend. I actually tend to be honest that I’ve been drinking, unhesitatingly so, the bottle was out after all. She also just walked off and left me when I was gasping for breath and in extreme pain. Then my dad came and tried to discourage me from going in the ambulance. Now they are saying “it sounds serious” and “stay in the hospital as long as possible”. There is such a long history of them denying and belittling my health problems, including my drinking - my mum said she tried drinking in the morning for fun like me, and that psychiatric hospital was a holiday and like Hogwarts.

Is there some sort of service where you can hire a non-judgmental person for a few hours to help? Actually I don’t even care whether they judge the fuck out of me if they will come and help me collect some stuff and keep my parents at bay. I’ve been scared of going home for decades and letting my mum control the narrative and image for so long that if someone with a tiny bit of authority could just go along with me, it would make so much difference. Has anyone seen Spinning Out? There’s a scene where the best friend goes with the protagonist to get stuff from her terrible mother’s house and I feel like that would just make all the difference in the world. I’m obviously in hospital, filthy and with a phone in total to my name right now which puts me in a tight spot. I don’t even have my own keys and my door will be locked. Stupid of me but I was in huge pain and a very bad way when I left. It would be quite embarrassing to be seen like this but I’m a bit past that. I’ve given Women’s Aid a go and they aren’t answering.

@CecileDeRetour keep trying with Women’s Aid. Are you in hospital? There might be a social worker? You don’t have to go back to your parents as you are over 18. Are the keys for your own place? Get a locksmith. If you do have to go back, get a case that locks and put your personal stuff in there. And hide it. Put stuff you want to take with you and get ready to go. Get everything lined up. You’re going to have to be incredibly tough and not engage with them which is, of course, very hard.

You can do this. Then it’s NC. Change your numbers and if necessary it’s a restraining order.

Simply put, you can’t live your life this way you deserve far better.

In my news today…I’m on holiday. Three weeks off for the first time in two years. Met friend for outside coffee on a bench in the park. Lovely time. Mr Monkey rings…the Hag was coughing all last night and today. I think she phoned him.

So, he’s been given a visor, gloves, a PCR and a pinny - He works for a health charity - and has gone round to deal with the Fucking Bitch.

A number of questions:

When did this start last night? The Carer goes in at 6pm. Surely Hag could have asked for help AS THAT IS THE CARER’S PURPOSE.

There is a care call in the morning. Again, this was not mentioned.

He’s not answering his phone so god knows. I do know that she’s NOT staying here. Social services can deal with it. Nor is she pissing on our Xmas. I’m fucking sick of her martyrdom which impacts on those around her - it’s fucking selfish.

Made my friend laugh by speculating that the Hag had imported a bat from China and rubbed it all around her lair.

It would not surprise me that this is hugely exaggerated to dump shit on us at Xmas.

Switch off yr phone!

@MonkeyfromManchester isn’t this actually the opposite of martyrdom? A hugely exaggerated health crisis to get lots of care and attention, particularly at this time of year? I often get told not to martyr myself for opposite reasons, like if I stand in the cold for hours or walk on my sore hip or conceal illness, rather than the other way round, and will often wait days before asking for help. Very bad behaviour anyway. In your place I would be mildly annoyed at Mr Monkey for going over and potentially exposing you all when he knows what she’s like.

I am in hospital and am going to chat to the safeguarding team. If I only had my card(s) and/or keys it would be 100 times easier but I didn’t think about that as I was busy having a lung collapse when I left. Ugh. Hopefully someone can help me figure it out…

I wonder if it would be worth you having a chat with WAWY then? I'm only thinking where I am, mum has a key worker through We Are With You, and there is also a patient diversion supporter from the hospital who helps her with the intention of keeping her out off the ward. Either of whom would be helpful to you, by the sound of it.

(It might also be worth you being open to a detox, just to give you an extra couple of days of breathing space for somewhere to go that isn't back to your parents - would that be a possibility, maybe?)

I’m already detoxed, unfortunately (well, fortunately, I drank enough to be clumsy and anaesthetised but I haven’t withdrawn or needed to and I’m sitting here stone cold sober). Having a look at WAWY right now, thank you :)

@CecileDeRetour the martyrdom is the leaving it to the afternoon to ring him. Designed to guilt trip as ‘I know how busy you are at work’ crops up. The martyrdom is another form of attention seeking. Always is with her.

I’m OK with him going over. The nurse at the health charity where he works gave him strict instructions on how do protect himself and, obviously, it’s an NHS standard visor because of the vulnerability of the clients his charity works with.

Think @MrsRussell has got some great ideas there, Cecile.

He’s just back.

So, Mr Monkey got to the lair. She had stopped coughing. She was coughing in the night and made herself sick. Hmmmm, if you were coughing that badly surely you’d be coughing jnto the afternoon? She only started coughing again when she worked herself into her normal frenzy of rage and spite.

Hag: No one ever comes to see me. I’m lonely.
MM: the phone is there. You can join social groups.
Hag: the only place I go is the supermarket with my son and I hate it
MM: all through lockdown you were complaining about not going to the supermarket

MM is getting so good at greyrocking. She’s screaming and shouting at him and he doesn’t rise to the bait anymore which drives her mad.

She doesn’t get a reaction so she goes for the sympathy vote. She KNOWS she looks disgustingly scruffy in dirty and ripped clothes. She has clothes we’ve given her. She doesn’t wear them.

I’ve got nothing to wear.
The solution is either to go the shop…
I hate trying things on. You don’t know what it’s like.
OR order things off the Internet in several sizes and styles, try them in the comfort of your own home and I can return them. There are your choices.

Then it’s into whimper mode.

I’m sure Mummy Monkey doesn’t want me there at Xmas.
She has said you are coming for Xmas Day and going home Boxing Day. Most people would be really happy and cheerful about that as it’s a nice Xmas Day with nice food.
I might just stay here.
Fine, the option is there.

The option she wants is to piss on our Xmas if she can’t get what she wants which is a week at my mum’s. She won’t get that and is getting angrier and angrier and clutching at ANYTHING to get her own way.

MM remarks on the misery she feels is totally self-inflicted.
Hag: lots of people are miserable, not just me.
MM: Who?
HAg: silence.

MM: I’ve got to go now and go back to work (he’s working downstairs as no time to go back to work)
Hag (with venom) I suppose you’ve fallen out with me now.
MM: no, I’m busy.

He comes home. So proud of him. I’ll give her this, she doesn’t give up.