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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

controlling relationship, please help

58 replies

daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:16

I'm in a controlling relationship, I've only just realised after being married for 15 years and two kids. I've always been frightened of my H but he upped the ante over lockdown and while he wasn't violent he certainly scared me (and the kids), shouting at me (and waking them) while I was asleep and so on, or sulking/silent for days on end. He also gaslit me massively, saying I was 'paranoid' about covid at the beginning and that it was 'my fantasy'.

Don't get me wrong there have been long patches of normality, almost happiness. Now I've realised what he's like though I remember the start of our relationship and it shocks me. He assaulted me very early on and I called the police. He also literally trapped me in the relationship, hiding my phone and stopping me from leaving the house. He wouldn't do that now, of course, as I am more broadly 'trapped' with marriage and kids, but remembering it is making me shocked how badly I was abused.

Things seem 'normal' almost to an outside, they'd think he was a nice man and the kids are flourishing (and I work so hard to keep them away from his moods). It's a huge shock to me and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:18

He also did other things that massively destabilised me, like once I asked him to leave the house after he frightened me and he took my office key and went there instead. It felt crazy and very frightening to me. I can't believe I'm just realising this after so many years with the kids asleep upstairs.

OP posts:
ladygoingGaga · 28/10/2021 22:25

Abusers are clever and manipulative, he has kept you confused and scared so you don’t trust your own thoughts and feelings.
Have you got someone you trust in RL to talk to?

Original poster
daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:26

Yes I have. But I am literally losing my mind being around him now. He is still being subtly awful to me and now I can see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:27

I don't understand how I accepted that and covered up for it. I'm very well educated, strong, etc.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 22:30

Get a solicitor as soon as humanly possible. You need to know the exact steps you need to take to get away from him as soon as you can. Start gathering documents, financial records, etc.

Original poster
daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:31

I would be so, so frightened to do that @Aquamarine1029 - if he got a letter from a solicitor he'd make my life hell, so frightening. He would not accept it without some terrifying intimidation.

OP posts:
AnotherGo123 · 28/10/2021 22:32

It happens to so many of us. However smart or confident we are...do not blame yourself for one question. You have two wonderful DC and a brilliant future ahead. You just need to plan it. Buy you do not have to stay. Be sensible about it, make a plan, talk to woman's aid, find that one friend who will be there and won't judge, get free legal advice, it can feel overwhelming but you are not stuck. He doesn't get to decide what you do with your life. Good luck x

ladygoingGaga · 28/10/2021 22:34

Abuse can effect anyone, in fact if you are seen as strong, then it just puts another barrier in front of you. However you have taken the most important step, you can see what he is doing.
Start quietly working out your options, keep diary if it’s safe, Hollie Guard app is great for that

AnotherGo123 · 28/10/2021 22:34

*do not blame yourself for one minute

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 22:34

@daysatthecircus

I would be so, so frightened to do that *@Aquamarine1029* - if he got a letter from a solicitor he'd make my life hell, so frightening. He would not accept it without some terrifying intimidation.
You have to do something, no? If you want to leave him you must see a solicitor. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? Call Women's Aid and get support.
Original poster
daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:35

Yes, you're right. How do you think I'd go about finding a solicitor?

OP posts:
Coldiron · 28/10/2021 22:37

Definitely speak to a solicitor. They can let you know your rights without necessarily writing to your husband. I spoke to a lovely solicitor yesterday and the first thing he asked me was if I was safe at home. He then asked if it was okay to send letters or would email or text be safer.

jackstini · 28/10/2021 22:42

So sorry you are in this position but so glad you now recognise it

Firstly, contact Women's Aid for advice - do you have a time he is not around to do that?

Secondly, can you get and hide all yours and DC ID - passports etc.

Thirdly, make a note of finances - are you renting or have a mortgage? Whose name are things in? Do you have a joint &/or separate bank accounts? What are your incomes etc?

You can absolutely do this, but planning is key

Be strong Thanks

Original poster
daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:42

Well done @Coldiron, your solicitor sounds nice

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 28/10/2021 22:43

My advice (been in similar) if a solicitor feels too far right now is to have therapy. This gives you support and the chance to develop your self awareness, sense if self reliance, confidence etc...all of which you will need when it comes time to take the practical steps.

Its a powerful antidote to gaslighting and shows yourself you are prioritising you.

I'm not saying don't leave him, but if that feels a step too far, it's a way to build towards it.

Any breakups are tough and knowing there is someone to help you focus on taking responsibility for your life, and doing what you need to achieve happiness, is important.

Good luck.

Original poster
daysatthecircus · 28/10/2021 22:44

Thanks @Yummypumpkin - did you leave in the end?

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 28/10/2021 22:50

You are ahead of me. I didn't recognise the relationship as controlling until after it ended. I thought I was a bad person (he knocked me unconscious then convinced me I had tripped...stuff like that).

The therapy has been amazing.

Youre ahead of me, and my relationship was shorter and no kids so I'm.nit trying to pretend I know how difficult it is...just to say that when you feel emotionally strong the bullying, intimidation etc just don't work very well! So do take very good care of yourself xx

WonderfulYou · 28/10/2021 23:15

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Abusers like him know exactly what they are doing and it’s only when you look back do you realise that it’s not ok.

The best thing is that you realise what’s he’s done is not ok and you sound like a very strong woman.
You have given him time you will never get back. Don’t give him anymore. Make arrangements to leave him as soon as you can. Your children will be very thankful too.

Original poster
daysatthecircus · 29/10/2021 06:50

Thank you for all this help. I just feel so shocked and frozen.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/10/2021 07:06

It's a straight up domestic abuse situation you're in.

He doesn't do anything to you physically now, because he doesn't have to, what he did to you early on established his control.

Please consider going into a refuge with the kids and sorting everything out from there.

Your safety is paramount and he will likely resort to violence again should you show signs of being prepared to leave him while you're in situ.

Speak to Women's Aid and local domestic abuse services. Flowers

StartingAgain6369 · 29/10/2021 07:17

My solicitor was excellent, she said from the start do you have a secure email account accessed by you only, when communication started by her it always had 'by email only'

Original poster
daysatthecircus · 29/10/2021 07:28

How did you find the right type of solicitor? Did you type in domestic abuse solicitor?

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 29/10/2021 07:32

Let’s start off with some basics -
Do you own/rent your house ?
Do you /your husband have private pensions ?
Do you have your own bank account ? A joint bank account ?
Where is any child benefit paid ?
Do you work ?

GoodnightGrandma · 29/10/2021 07:34

Well done for calling the police that time.
If you feel frightened or threatened by him call them again.
Do you have any family you can confide in ?

FlowerArranger · 29/10/2021 07:36

You want a solicitor specialising in family law.

Wikivorce is a useful resource. There's also Divorce for Dummies (yes, it's really called that... but I believe it's very useful!)