controlling relationship, please help

[daysatthecircus]

I'm in a controlling relationship, I've only just realised after being married for 15 years and two kids. I've always been frightened of my H but he upped the ante over lockdown and while he wasn't violent he certainly scared me (and the kids), shouting at me (and waking them) while I was asleep and so on, or sulking/silent for days on end. He also gaslit me massively, saying I was 'paranoid' about covid at the beginning and that it was 'my fantasy'.

Don't get me wrong there have been long patches of normality, almost happiness. Now I've realised what he's like though I remember the start of our relationship and it shocks me. He assaulted me very early on and I called the police. He also literally trapped me in the relationship, hiding my phone and stopping me from leaving the house. He wouldn't do that now, of course, as I am more broadly 'trapped' with marriage and kids, but remembering it is making me shocked how badly I was abused.

Things seem 'normal' almost to an outside, they'd think he was a nice man and the kids are flourishing (and I work so hard to keep them away from his moods). It's a huge shock to me and I don't know what to do.

Op you don’t need to pay out to see a solicitor.

Women’s aid has specialists solicitors and will help you apply for legal aid. Controlling men attempt to control the divorce and you are going to pay a fortune for appointments and letters that ultimately he’s going to ignore. It could drag out for years.

You need specialist advice and you also need a supportive team around you before you start the process.

Ring women’s aid and ask for a referral to a local centre. You need an order to get him out of the house due to his abuse.

Thank you @FlorenciaFlora, that is very useful. It comforts me to know it's not just me who has gone through this. Also how do people cope with the abuser saying horrible things about you? My H keeps saying I'm an evil person who will rot in hell. It affects me.

@daysatthecircus

Thank you *@FlorenciaFlora*, that is very useful. It comforts me to know it's not just me who has gone through this. Also how do people cope with the abuser saying horrible things about you? My H keeps saying I'm an evil person who will rot in hell. It affects me.

Start calling him in your head your soon to be ex H who will no longer get to you. Solicitors for legal Counseller womens aid for emotional support

He is a mean little bully
And you will soon be free
Start planning
Rent a flat.
Leave
Serve divorce

OP,

Please call Womens aid, they will give you great advice and support.

However, you do realise that you can walk into ANY police station and ask to speak to someone about domestic abuse.

You tell them you are terrified of him and what he might do.

They will help.

You don't have to accept this.

Keep posting.

You can ignore everything that comes out of his mouth. Remember that in all of this, he is the abuser. He is the one you had to call the police on. He's the one who frightens his own children and his wife. He held you hostage. He threatens you.

So when he says you're evil and will rot in hell, why would you believe him? Why do you think he has any right to judge other people as evil?

He knows full well that he is the evil one. He knows that you are a decent human being. He is happy to do all he needs to do to keep you 'in line' and that includes making threats about you rotting in hell. I don't know if you believe in God, op, but if he had to decide who in this scenario, I don't think it would be you!

Now you've seen what your situation is (and thank goodness you've seen it) you can't unsee it. And for you, and your children, you need to get out of this marriage. Keep safe. He's already shown you he can be violent. When you're leaving - or when an abuser realised they are losing some control - is the riskiest time.

I beg you to seek help in real life. Tell people around you. Seek support from Womens Aid. Don't feel any shame. This is 100% on him. You and your children are victims of an abuser. Don't cover any of this up for him.

But your main priority needs to be getting to safety. And keep records of any threats or unpleasant messages, and involve the police if he makes any threats or is aggressive in any way.

Keep talking here if it helps.

but if he had to decide who in this scenario, I don't think it would be you!

I should have typed.... but if he had to decide who in this scenario is going to rot in hell I don't think it would be you!

Thank you @layladomino

Also how do people cope with the abuser saying horrible things about you?

I don’t think anyone copes well with it. It’s designed to hurt and that’s why they do it, it’s a successful abuse strategy. The best solution is not to be around to hear it in the first place but if you have to, see it for the goading that it is. All these abusers delight in getting an emotional reaction. Journaling helps a lot I think.

It’s important you document things properly to the professionals because unless you have support he won’t suddenly stop when you live separately. You’ll have to navigate contact with the children and this is where lots of men ramp it up.

Many abusive men who can no longer abuse you will abuse you via the children. They’ll say nasty things about you to the children and work to alienate you. I’d be surprised if that isn’t already happening to some degree. You’re going to need a specialist lawyer and I would not really encourage contact at all.

Don’t go it alone. Get a supportive ring around you before you start the process. I can’t stress this enough. The ring will offer you legal protection and emotional support but the biggest benefit is that it shifts his abuse from being a secret and brings it into the light.

All abuse happens in secret and to some degree we accidentally facilitate it because we’re embarrassed or mostly ashamed. We do that as bullied little kids and also as adults. If you ever got bullied as a kid recall how quickly it stopped once it was out in the open.

You already know just how mortified he’d be if people knew what was really going on. It’s his biggest fear. That’s why he tells you it’s your fault or creeps around you after he’s abused you.

Make his fear a reality and watch how quickly he stops when he realises his fun game is over.