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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner pushing for me to “better” myself

57 replies

Freddiesdowager · 28/10/2021 07:06

Context, I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just over a year (he is British Indian, I’m white british)

He and his whole family are either doctors, lawyers, finance, engineers or the equivalent. I am none of these things - I have a good job and earn above the average salary for the UK.

He is constantly pushing for me to progress to the next step of my career. Sending me job adverts for posts way above my skill level, asking me what my professional plans are, sending me information about university courses I could go on.

At first I thought it was quite sweet and he just wanted to see me do well. Now I’m starting to think it’s actually that he doesn’t think I’m “good enough” for him. He hasn’t taken me to meet any of his family (I’m not sure they even know I exist) which I do understand as they were very upset when he divorced his wife (also a professional). I was not the cause of their breakup.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 28/10/2021 07:08

Laugh at him. Do what you want. Don't make any plans to live together.

PermanentTemporary · 28/10/2021 07:10

It sounds quite plausible but you need to ask him.

Without wanting to sound like him, what are your life goals? Explain to him what's important to you and what you like about your life.

I'd say if you get a chance to talk to his ex wife, don't say no... she might have a lot to say...

Yummypumpkin · 28/10/2021 07:11

Hmmmmm....

I used to live in India so know the culture somewhat.

In India, people aren't as reserved as the British and in familiar relationships will express their thoughts which can seem pushy to people unused to it. There is also a very strong ethic of work, progression etc

But this needs to work for you. You don't say if you have told him how this makes you feel? See if he stops.

The not meeting family is not good but are they nearby? It has been Covid times...

Overall you can't accept behaviour you don't like just because someone has a different cultural background. But you may also need to avoid putting that behaviour down to bad intentions. Talk to him.

Original poster
Freddiesdowager · 28/10/2021 07:13

I have spoken to him, his answers were

  • I just want to see you do well for yourself
  • You are capable of more
  • Why don’t you want to be more/progress
OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 28/10/2021 07:16

Hmmmm....reminds me of a few people.

In that case I would TELL him you don't like it and to stop.

Patriarchal views are much stronger in India among the 40+ year old. If he's younger than that and British / grew up in Britain then culture is even less of an excuse.

I don't like those replies one bit. Is it just your career where he expresses his views on your choices? Or other areas?

bowlingalleyblues · 28/10/2021 07:22

Status is very important to him clearly, we don’t know about his family as you haven’t met them.

He needs to accept that you are not his child and you are happy as you are. Maybe remind him that he was married to a professional and that didn’t work out, did it? So it’s not the answer to everything, and he is free to find another engineer/CEO if he wants but that’s not you.

JustAnother0ldMan · 28/10/2021 07:23

That’s really common in Indian culture, work hard, progress, do well.

FindingMeno · 28/10/2021 07:24

Tell him you are what you are and he takes it or leaves it, but what you aren't is his project.

asteroommatus · 28/10/2021 07:25

I am mixed race. My dad's family is Indian.

From my perspective the nor meeting them could be because you are not Indian or, indeed, your work. Or a mix of the 2. Depending on his family, so it's difficult to say.

The pushing you to progress you career could be many things. Maybe his culture and (as pp said) just generally pushiwe with his thoughts.

But taking his culture out. Its not unusual for people to want their partners to be ambitious. Many people, even posters here, find their partners lack of ambition for their career as a negative. And those people are often told to encourage their partner rather than just end it.

If hevis looking for someone who is career focused and that's important to him, he needs to be honest. If that's not you or you aren't as career focused as he would like, its probably not the relationship for you. There's nothing wrong with it and you shouldn't be made to feel like you have to want to progress to keep his interest.

mrsbitaly · 28/10/2021 07:25

If your happy and content with your job and any goals then just say very clearly I'm happy I don't want to change my role and I appreciate that you feel I can do better but this is who I am and how I live and I don't want to change it please don't bring it up again

JustKittenAround · 28/10/2021 07:34

How is the relationship? You haven’t met his family and such?

I can see why you would be suspect of his “encouragement “ … almost as if you did this or that you might be good enough?

Listen, they can stay for we mad if he got divorced. You BETTER BELIEVE if they are like that then they are pushing him for new matches.

At the end of the day he is either for you or not. You are wonderful as you are and this is why he was drawn to you in the first place. It is not up to you to prove yourself, you are breathing and have done enough.

He seems the prize maybe? But if you are kept in the shadows then you’ll be the last one informed of his new wedding

I invite anyone to argue with me because I have examples that will turn your heads. A man should claim you if he wants to be exclusive… otherwise play the field (he is)
and let him kick rocks.

I mean he can’t claim you to us family… Jesus.. You want a man don’t you?

JustKittenAround · 28/10/2021 07:41

Let him know what you want and watch him run. Be glad in your heart you didn’t waste time with a loser, and that you had dignity. Believe in your heart that you are enough and there are people who will be blind to it. Yet, also amazing people who won’t be.

Watch how if you keep your dignity with discipline and conviction… how you’ll suddenly find yourself in a better position. Don’t downgrade yourself for anything. Being even completely alone is better than what is in store for you now.

Don’t give this man your body unless he earns it.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 28/10/2021 07:42

Sounds like he’s negging you. You can’t meet an individual and mould them into what you want, surely you like/accept/love them for who they are?!

I’ve been with one of these and it’s exhausting, it basically means Today You isn’t good enough and it’s only your potential he’s staying for. My confidence was eroded over time because I constantly felt not enough and like I had to improve. Always ‘I love you but if you did this….’

Look forward to jumping through hoops if you wanna stay. I think the culture thing is a red herring.

Labloverrr · 28/10/2021 07:48

Don’t waste any more find on this man, you will regret it.

Imagine once you have children? He would be a nightmare.

nicecheesegromit · 28/10/2021 07:50

I would find that quite oppressive- that I am never good enough. I think he'll need to back off from his highly educated family's expectations for this to work. Maybe they are even more intense about progression than he is, which is why you haven't met them yet?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 28/10/2021 07:52

Tell him to find someone he's happy with and wish him well .
You deserve better OP and you'll find someone who will love you just the way you are

Labloverrr · 28/10/2021 07:54

@nicecheesegromit

Yep. I get the feeling he may be able to ‘tolerate’ your career status but knows he will need to impress the family by saying ‘oh she’s starting a postgrad’ ‘oh she’s starting this amazing new role’

He’s aware the family won’t be accepting of you as you are.

MagicWorkout · 28/10/2021 07:57

I think if he's driven and professional progress is important to him it's hard to understand why you would want to "waste" your ability.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting/expecting you to push yourself, especially if he's thinking you'll have a life together, but if that's not what you want, you're probably not compatible.

Dozer · 28/10/2021 07:58

His behaviour is rude and negative. If you want to continue dating him, would make it clear that you don’t want any further unsolicited opinions / suggestions.

If girlfriends having a specific approach with respect to paid work, and/or ‘professional’ status, are important to him, and more so than other things, he can take that into account in his dating decisions!

MagicWorkout · 28/10/2021 07:59

I'd see it as supportive. Too many men like having partners with "inferior" careers so they can be all important.

Dozer · 28/10/2021 08:00

Nothing wrong in ‘wanting’ a GF/BF who can pay their way and (if living together long term is on the cards) contribute financially to the household.

But there is a LOT wrong with ‘expecting’ a GF/BF to seek promotions, pay progression, additional qualifications etc!

KatherineJaneway · 28/10/2021 08:04

You need to establish if this is a make or break point for him. He sounds very persistent so I think you need a talk about this with all the cards on the table.

Tbh if this were me, all I'd hear from his suggestions is 'you're not good enough for me / my family'

JudgementalCactus · 28/10/2021 08:06

I would understand his attitude if you were unhappy in your work or earning minimum wage with no growth potential and were complaining about it but, but given that you sound like someone who has a career and is happy in it, I find him pushing you to be better very annoying and condescending and judgy.

Not everyone wants to be a top executive or earn buckets of money or have a high brow professional career and that's a totally valid choice.

I work in banking in a specialist position and I have zero interest to progress to a managerial role since I don't want to spent my whole time in useless meetings, intermediate office conflicts and take on all the stress it would entail.

In your shoes I would definitely worry that he's afraid you're not good enough for his family and if he wasn't able to tone it down I would consider it a dealbreaker.

AnotherOldGeezer · 28/10/2021 08:18

I would say to him that you want to meet his family - how about this weekend? Covid? Do Zoom. They don’t do Zoom? I thought you said they had good jobs! I think that this will flush out his real feelings for you

Say you’re happy with your work situation and that’s an end to that conversation

Lotusmonster · 28/10/2021 08:30

I think it’s reasonable for a new partner to be culturally sensitive to their partners heritage and family. But I do not think it’s reasonable for anyone to have to re-invent themselves to satisfy the social or education ambitions of a different culture. That’s just pressuring someone. There’s a difference between gentle encouragement and pressure. You are what you are. I’d think about if this relationship is suiting you……
I wonder if you happened to be a hot shot lawyer if you might have been introduced by now????

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