Partner pushing for me to “better” myself

[Freddiesdowager]

Context, I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just over a year (he is British Indian, I’m white british)

He and his whole family are either doctors, lawyers, finance, engineers or the equivalent. I am none of these things - I have a good job and earn above the average salary for the UK.

He is constantly pushing for me to progress to the next step of my career. Sending me job adverts for posts way above my skill level, asking me what my professional plans are, sending me information about university courses I could go on.

At first I thought it was quite sweet and he just wanted to see me do well. Now I’m starting to think it’s actually that he doesn’t think I’m “good enough” for him. He hasn’t taken me to meet any of his family (I’m not sure they even know I exist) which I do understand as they were very upset when he divorced his wife (also a professional). I was not the cause of their breakup.

Thoughts?

@Freddiesdowager

I have spoken to him, his answers were

• I just want to see you do well for yourself
• You are capable of more
• Why don’t you want to be more/progress

Answers 1) I am doing well for myself. What makes you think I'm not? 2) Just because I'm capable of more doesn't mean it's right for me or right for me now. Maybe in a year or two I'll feel different but at the moment what I do works for me. 3) Because there's more to life than work and progression. I like what I do. I have a great work/life balance. Why would I want to change anything?

@MagicWorkout

I'd see it as supportive. Too many men like having partners with "inferior" careers so they can be all important.

Oh dear. He's not supportive and he's not negging. He's just a snob.

"So ..... why don't you want to better yourself and reach higher?"

She's already earning more than average and if she wants a better job that should be for herself, not to make him look good.

@icelolly12

It could be cultural - in India, the socially acceptable careers for Parents are generally Doctor or Engineer. That is basically it. They don't tend to value degrees or careers in the Arts/Humanities fields so strongly - these fields would be seen more as a hobby. Parents also have significant influence in their children's lives and career choices. Yes I know this is all a generalisation but also based on experience.

Yes, I'm sure it's true, but he knew her job from the beginning, didn't he? And there must be maried people in India who are not doctors or engineers. She may not be who his parents want, but...

that would really annoy me, I would have snapped with him by now tbh and told him you like your job, you don't want to do a course and you don't need his advise on how to "better" yourself. If he didn't back off, I'd be out the door.

@Yummypumpkin

Hmmmmm....

I used to live in India so know the culture somewhat.

In India, people aren't as reserved as the British and in familiar relationships will express their thoughts which can seem pushy to people unused to it. There is also a very strong ethic of work, progression etc

But this needs to work for you. You don't say if you have told him how this makes you feel? See if he stops.

The not meeting family is not good but are they nearby? It has been Covid times...

Overall you can't accept behaviour you don't like just because someone has a different cultural background. But you may also need to avoid putting that behaviour down to bad intentions. Talk to him.

Exactly that.

Sounds like he thinks he has a right to tell you how to behave and that he knows best because of what, because he is a man? He treats you like a child and he's your Dad. Just look at roles you have fallen into.
He is keeping you a secret from his family. Are you a sort of hobby rather than a person who is treated as an equal...