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Original poster

Partner pushing for me to “better” myself

57 replies

Freddiesdowager · 28/10/2021 07:06

Context, I’ve been in a relationship with a man for just over a year (he is British Indian, I’m white british)

He and his whole family are either doctors, lawyers, finance, engineers or the equivalent. I am none of these things - I have a good job and earn above the average salary for the UK.

He is constantly pushing for me to progress to the next step of my career. Sending me job adverts for posts way above my skill level, asking me what my professional plans are, sending me information about university courses I could go on.

At first I thought it was quite sweet and he just wanted to see me do well. Now I’m starting to think it’s actually that he doesn’t think I’m “good enough” for him. He hasn’t taken me to meet any of his family (I’m not sure they even know I exist) which I do understand as they were very upset when he divorced his wife (also a professional). I was not the cause of their breakup.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Lotusmonster · 28/10/2021 08:33

His answers…..

  • I just want to see you do well for yourself ……So, you/I don’t get a hard time off my family maybe?
  • You are capable of more…..How would he possibly know that??? He knows you personally not professionally.
  • Why don’t you want to be more/progress……because you might actually be content with where you are and what you have???
JustKittenAround · 28/10/2021 08:33

You are either claimed publicly or not. That’s the realness.

You’re not some circus animal jumping through hoops. Hell, he hasn’t even given you a reason to do so., you are a dirty secret right now,

Listen, if he’s loving what you have to offer you will be claimed, and if he wants to help you reach for more then it will be from that space.

He’s given you nothing that is real. You stand as a secret. Dude needs to either love you as you are or not. You can’t spend time proving yourself to a man.. if you do, you’ve lost.

You are good enough. You are worthy. You are a catch. True today as the day he took notice of your light.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/10/2021 11:19

Perhaps he should find himself doctor barbie or lawyer barbie instead of trying to change/mould a harmless, hard working woman with a decent job (who can progress if and when she wants to) into what he wants.

His problem is that single doctor or lawyer barbie (who's he's attracted to abd is attracted to him etc) is hard to find, so hes doing doing little moulding job on "almost right/almost checks all the check boxes"

Also interesting ge feels he had the right to do this before before even shown you real long term commitment, investment & respect; by introducing you to his family etc.

Quite honestly, I dont think these cross culture relationships work most of the time. And it's usually the woman who suffers.

Snowdropsandbluebells · 28/10/2021 11:23

Your self esteem will be on the floor if you stay with him. Find someone who loves you for just being you Flowers

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/10/2021 11:23

@Lotusmonster

His answers…..
  • I just want to see you do well for yourself ……So, you/I don’t get a hard time off my family maybe?
  • You are capable of more…..How would he possibly know that??? He knows you personally not professionally.
  • Why don’t you want to be more/progress……because you might actually be content with where you are and what you have???
Everything really means "you are not enough as you are". I haven't been able to meet what I want easiky so I'm going to upgrade you.

Also if you were tk have children with him, dies he not realise the impact that has on most women's careers?!

It all sounds so pressured.

Not to mention what a pushy, stress nightmare he would be towards any children in education, employment etc.

Back on you; if he diesbt think your job (which he you're currently happy in) is good enough for his partner, perhaps he should find another partner.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/10/2021 11:26

Oh and I wonder why he's divorced.

Takes a lot to divorce let alone in a culture like his; I bet his ex could tell you an interesting story.

smoko · 28/10/2021 11:48

You should love someone for who they are, not their potential.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/10/2021 11:51

This is what a lot of Indian families are like, I grew up in one, my stepfather was Indian and in his family you didn't have a childhood you basically worked and studied all of the time.
It's nothing to do with you not being good enough it's just the culture.
If you had kids I expect they would probably be hot housed as well.
I would just talk to him and say you are happy as you are.

Pinkbonbon · 28/10/2021 12:55

@Freddiesdowager

I have spoken to him, his answers were
  • I just want to see you do well for yourself
  • You are capable of more
  • Why don’t you want to be more/progress
That last point though, he has no buisness asking you that.

Tell him straight 'I am happy in the job position I am in. It's good enough for me right now because I enjoy it. Please stop trying to push me to change. It makes me feel you aren't happy dating someone in my role. And if that is the case then that is a you problem, not a me problem. I like where I'm at. And it's my career so I'll make the decisions'.

Then if he appologises and backs off on it, fine. If he is a dick about it, dump.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/10/2021 14:06

Then if he appologises and backs off on it

That seems extremely unlikely to happen. He may do so temporarily, but you can see him returning to this behaviour.

He's clearly hard wired for it, and clearly wants a partner with a higher powered, higher status, perhaps more lucrative job. That's what he really wants. I suspect if he could meet someone like that, pp might just see his dust.

icelolly12 · 28/10/2021 14:26

It could be cultural - in India, the socially acceptable careers for Parents are generally Doctor or Engineer. That is basically it. They don't tend to value degrees or careers in the Arts/Humanities fields so strongly - these fields would be seen more as a hobby. Parents also have significant influence in their children's lives and career choices. Yes I know this is all a generalisation but also based on experience.

Chloemol · 28/10/2021 14:38

Just tell him you are happy as you are at the moment, that if you want to progress at a later date you will look then and please stop as you are implying I am not good enough as I am

And when can i meet your family

BlokeHereInPeace · 28/10/2021 15:25

He's a bit ashamed of you, would be my guess. That might be why you haven't met his family.

jamandmarmalade · 28/10/2021 15:46

Actually I agree with your partner you deserve better.

So make the best improvement for yourself: ditch him.

layladomino · 28/10/2021 15:59

He would be an awful, pushy father whose children felt they were never good enough.

He thinks you aren't good enough.

I suggest you keep sending him links to articles that highlight ways he could 'improve' himself and see how he likes it.

Actually, I suggest you end it as he is trying so hard to change you, he will likely never be happy (and will blame you for not improving).

beautifulview · 28/10/2021 16:50

You don’t sound compatible

Blahblahblahzz · 28/10/2021 21:06

He’s controlling & critical.

Onatree · 28/10/2021 21:09

@JustAnother0ldMan

That’s really common in Indian culture, work hard, progress, do well.
This. In spades. Wish I could say more, but yeah - THIS.
MushMonster · 28/10/2021 21:13

I would pass. Whether is culture or not, it means nothing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 21:33

@Freddiesdowager

I have spoken to him, his answers were
  • I just want to see you do well for yourself
  • You are capable of more
  • Why don’t you want to be more/progress
  • I'm happy with who I am
    • I'm happy at the level I'm am
    • If I want to do 'more' I will do so in my own time and as an adult perfectly capable of making decisions for myself, you can respect that or we can break up.

    And add 'I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like I'm not enough when I am happy with who and where I am. If this behaviour doesn't stop then we aren't compatible long term.'

    Can you really have a relaxed and happy life with someone like him who speaks to you this way and bombards you with essentially requests for you to change yourself? I certainly couldn't. He sounds exhaustingly insensitive and patronising.

    youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 21:33

    He would be an awful, pushy father whose children felt they were never good enough.

    This is so true.

    AlbertBridge · 28/10/2021 21:36

    I wish I'd had a partner like that. I can see why it'd be annoying, but just think how rich you'd be when you dump him!

    PurpleOkapi · 28/10/2021 21:42

    He places much more importance than you do on the external trappings of success, like a particular career. This would be fine if he only applied it to himself, but he seems to think you should agree with his priorities here. He's not going to be happy with someone who doesn't share his views here, and you won't be happy with someone who prioritises so many things above actual happiness. Just give it up.

    EarthSight · 28/10/2021 21:58

    @Freddiesdowager

    I have spoken to him, his answers were
    • I just want to see you do well for yourself
    • You are capable of more
    • Why don’t you want to be more/progress
    Fair enough, but how are you going to feel if he keeps going on about this in future? One could interpret this as -
    • I just want to see you do well for yourself / I want to see you do well so it reflects well on me when I tell people
    • You are capable of more You're not performing highly enough right now
    • Why don’t you want to be more/progress Why are you happy underperforming in life
    chopc · 28/10/2021 22:38

    So ..... why don't you want to better yourself and reach higher? In any case you need to talk to him and explain you are where you are and happy with your lot. If status is important to him then I will just walk away

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