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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I FWB or potential girlfriend?

68 replies

Lomita277 · 27/10/2021 16:24

Here I am again in another total quandary about dating. So, I met a man on Tinder, from a different country/culture to mine (that's my weakness in men) and we have been on three dates now. On the first couple of dates, he made an effort to ask me questions, talk about things I was interested in, etc. He is new in the country I live in and his English is good but not great. Works from home and is very quiet, doesn't drive as he lives in the city.

However, I notice a certain pattern developing. He doesn't seem to show any interest in travelling to where I am and keeps asking "when are you coming again". To be clear (and men just don't seem to read anything on dating profiles) I stated that I wanted to do interesting things like cinema, dining, events with somebody and slowly move to a relationship. We had dinner last night, which he didn't see the point of doing at all and then went back to his place and he was really ready to initiate sex but respectful when I said I wasn't ready.

But, I get the feeling that he sees me as a "hook up" only. I am happy to have a full physical relationship with somebody who I enjoy spending time with and doing things with but three dates, that's too early. I am separated and having dinners out and just chatting with another man is what I miss most about married life.

I wonder if he misunderstood this because I approached him on Tinder first? It's a 45 minute drive from my place up to where he is and the last thing I fancy is doing that drive a few times a week just to sit in his apartment and try and get him to be enthusiastic about going and doing things outside in the city. Am I a potential girlfriend or more FWB in his mind?

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 27/10/2021 16:34

He probably just wants sex.

RantyAunty · 27/10/2021 16:45

He's just after sex.

CinstonWhurchill · 27/10/2021 16:45

What you allow is what will happen. Allow people to treat you casually/badly/travel all the time and, that is how you will be treated and will happen.

If you want more, expect more and accept nothing less.

"Here I am again in another total quandary about dating".

With kindness Op i think you need to build your confidence and sense of self worth up before dating. If you are finding yourself in these dynamics over and over, you need to change. I see you mention in yr post you were married. Again and with kindness, maybe you need to work on yourself for little while and recognise your own value and self worth before dating. It looks like you are looking for a kind of relationship or elements of a relationship , where others are not. I would also suggest some real world activities, where you get to meet, know and build relationships over time. Gym, walking club, dance class, eve course tsot.

DandyHighwayWoman · 27/10/2021 16:47

Don’t bother seeing him again, plenty more chaps out there, who will want a relationship.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 27/10/2021 16:49

He thinks you'll be easily available. Stop running around after him.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 27/10/2021 16:52

What interests did he put on his profile?

Lomita277 · 27/10/2021 17:07

He didn’t put up any interests but we chatted about them on WhatsApp. Reading, cycling, walking, cinema.

I know the general consensus is to work on myself, and I have, and I do belong to a good social/ walking club but I find that most of the people in my group are not actively dating.

I had to nicely let go the first three dates I had because in two cases the attraction just wasn’t there and in the third he stated that a couple months getting to know me without a physical relationship was way too long.

OP posts:
Jennifer2r · 27/10/2021 17:07

I agree with pp about confidence and assertiveness. Why are you asking us?

"I've enjoyed meeting up with you. I want to ask, are you looking for a girlfriend or something more casual? For me I'd like to go on dates and to the cinema and out for dinner. I don't want to have a sexual relationship if its not going to lead to something more serious. Where are you with that? "

Viddy2021 · 27/10/2021 17:08

He should be offering to come to you equally.

JaneAtkinsonSimith · 27/10/2021 17:09

@Viddy2021

He should be offering to come to you equally.
agree with this
Tyrantosaurus · 27/10/2021 17:09

Convenient sex. This is not how a man acts with a potential girlfriend, he just sounds disinterested, not bothered to go and see you.

Even as a FWB, this doesn't sound much fun.

samesign · 27/10/2021 17:18

He doesn't see you as a gf, stop running round after him, you won't get dinner dates unless you very clear that's what you want and any decent man would also be doing his fair share of travelling to meet you.
I think first of all the clue is, he's new in the country, he's adapting to way of life here and highly likely he'd want to date around before settling with someone here or going back to his home country.

Lomita277 · 27/10/2021 17:52

I think I will say to him what Jennifer2r says. I think the truth is I’m asking because I have to confront him and say this and I was looking for a cowardly way out - for someone to say I should give it a chance and wait. Also, maybe I’ll send him in a few bus timetables so he could come out here and meet me.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 27/10/2021 18:03

He could be married for all you know.
He wants a shag.

I'd just say, you enjoyed meeting him but don't think you want he same thing.

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/10/2021 18:14

You want to do interesting things. He doesn't. So really whether he wants a fwb or full on relationship is neither here nor there. If he wants a relationship that consists of watching TV and you always visiting him, that's not for you anyway. Don't bother wondering what he wants when it's obviously not what you were looking for in the first place.

You stated what you were looking for and he didn't match. them. Don't wait around to persuade him that he could/should match them. Just move on until you meet someone who does.

CinstonWhurchill · 27/10/2021 18:46

"I think I will say to him what Jennifer2r says. I think the truth is I’m asking because I have to confront him and say this and I was looking for a cowardly way out - for someone to say I should give it a chance and wait. Also, maybe I’ll send him in a few bus timetables so he could come out here and meet me."

Good lord, Jennifer says.... i was looking for someone to say....i was looking for a
cowardly way out... If you are so very reliant on others for guidance you are not ready to date Op. With kindness take a break from
dating and work on yourself. Send him his p45... end of!!!

CinstonWhurchill · 27/10/2021 18:59

"I know the general consensus is to work on myself, and I have, and I do belong to a good social/ walking club but I find that most of the people in my group are not actively dating."

Stop actively dating Op! Join clubs for the friendship and social element, expand your horizons, participate in more work events. Invest in yourself. You are force-ably pushing something that is not there. When you are "ready" a relationship will find you .

Sending a bus timetable is embarrassing and cringe worthy. It shows you can see what he is doing but you still carry on. Draw a line and move on.

schmalex · 27/10/2021 19:11

Why are you asking if you are girlfriend material? You should be asking if he is boyfriend material!
He sounds totally dull and if you want to go out and do fun things with someone it sounds like he doesn't meet your criteria.

DumpedByText · 27/10/2021 19:24

He wants a bunk up at his convenience, you're worth more than that. I'd move on 😊

WonderfulYou · 27/10/2021 19:25

Have you had sex with him yet?

I would try and find an activity like the cinema that’s in the middle of you both so you both have to travel and see what he says.

Some people are on OLD just for sex which is fine but they should say that on their side profile.

Winniemarysarah · 27/10/2021 19:28

Why would you want to actually be his girlfriend if you’ve only just started seeing each other and it’s already shit?

fumfspos · 27/10/2021 19:47

He doesn't want the same as you and he can't be arsed to come out to see you.
Bin.
Next.

You have to be ruthless on OLD.

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2021 19:51

Your three dates in and already he is begrudging you a dinner. Do you really think he is going to be your cinema and hiking buddy? Of course not.

And yes, he is looking for convenient sex.

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2021 19:53

@schmalex

Why are you asking if you are girlfriend material? You should be asking if he is boyfriend material! He sounds totally dull and if you want to go out and do fun things with someone it sounds like he doesn't meet your criteria.
This exactly!

You date to determine if someone is good enough to be your partner. Not to prove that you are good enough to be theirs.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/10/2021 20:01

@schmalex

Why are you asking if you are girlfriend material? You should be asking if he is boyfriend material! He sounds totally dull and if you want to go out and do fun things with someone it sounds like he doesn't meet your criteria.
So, so, so much this!
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