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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I FWB or potential girlfriend?

68 replies

Lomita277 · 27/10/2021 16:24

Here I am again in another total quandary about dating. So, I met a man on Tinder, from a different country/culture to mine (that's my weakness in men) and we have been on three dates now. On the first couple of dates, he made an effort to ask me questions, talk about things I was interested in, etc. He is new in the country I live in and his English is good but not great. Works from home and is very quiet, doesn't drive as he lives in the city.

However, I notice a certain pattern developing. He doesn't seem to show any interest in travelling to where I am and keeps asking "when are you coming again". To be clear (and men just don't seem to read anything on dating profiles) I stated that I wanted to do interesting things like cinema, dining, events with somebody and slowly move to a relationship. We had dinner last night, which he didn't see the point of doing at all and then went back to his place and he was really ready to initiate sex but respectful when I said I wasn't ready.

But, I get the feeling that he sees me as a "hook up" only. I am happy to have a full physical relationship with somebody who I enjoy spending time with and doing things with but three dates, that's too early. I am separated and having dinners out and just chatting with another man is what I miss most about married life.

I wonder if he misunderstood this because I approached him on Tinder first? It's a 45 minute drive from my place up to where he is and the last thing I fancy is doing that drive a few times a week just to sit in his apartment and try and get him to be enthusiastic about going and doing things outside in the city. Am I a potential girlfriend or more FWB in his mind?

OP posts:

Lena007 · 27/10/2021 20:19

It looks like he sees you as FWB.
I would expect men to do majority of travelling and offering dates at the beginning. Then I could settle for 50/50 once I'm sure what his intentions are and that I'm treated right.

I echo what @CinstonWhurchill said ' what you allow is what will happen.'

Raise your standards. Expect more. Don't waste your time on someone who wants you do all the running around. No, no, and no!

BurbageBrook · 27/10/2021 20:27

If you have to ask, it’s not good.

ThePlantsitter · 27/10/2021 20:30

I can't see what's good about him that you would want him to be your boyfriend. Do you actually like him?

Munchkinpumpkin · 28/10/2021 20:26

I would casually mention you dont sleep with a new partner for at least 6 months.. if he is keen he will see it as a challenge, if not he will disappear. Be smart

Monr0e · 28/10/2021 20:44

Why bother?
Three dates in and he's already complaining about having a meal together
Imagine how much less effort he'll be making after 3 months

cakecakecheese · 28/10/2021 20:47

Yeah he should be putting in at least as much effort as you are. Bin.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 28/10/2021 20:53

“He didn’t put up any interests”.

This is a big red Tinder flag for me from the offset. I don’t really care if a bloke says his interests are flyfishing, Bridge and watching WWF. But he has to have something to say about himself! A little bit about his values and a dash about what he’s on there looking for is the ideal. Otherwise he’s basically banking on the fact that you’re only interested him for his looks and everything else leading up to sex is just preamble. This is basic Tinder filtering - if you’re interested in a relationship then immediately eliminate all the men who don’t bother to write anything.

BrilliantBetty · 28/10/2021 20:57

He doesn't sound very interested in you honestly.
I bet you're lovely and will meet someone who is interested in more than a hook up.

Loveintherain · 28/10/2021 21:06

Throw this one back . At this stage they should be really into you and making the maximum effort. You shouldn’t have to be giving him his timetables. You shouldn’t have to be having serious conversations about him making more of an effort etc it should be happening naturally. If it’s not natural for him to want to make an effort , he can take it for a bit but will end up back to expecting you to do all the running

Loveintherain · 28/10/2021 21:06

Bus timetables

BunNcheese · 28/10/2021 21:10

Have you asked him what he is looking for? Don't meet up at each others houses OP. It's giving the wrong vibe.

EarthSight · 28/10/2021 22:06

But, I get the feeling that he sees me as a "hook up" only

That's because most men view Tinder as a shagging app. Some women will disagree with that (because they met their husband on Tinder so they don't like thinking of their dear husbands in that way), and you'll gets lots of women saying they knew a friend who met someone nice on Tinder.....but I think that's a tiny minority compared to the majority of experiences.

I think this man just wants you to come round and shag him to be honest. I mean, it's great he's not panting under your bedroom window and offering to come around all the time, but the fact that he's so lazy and expects you to come running to him is laughable.

Original poster

Lomita277 · 28/10/2021 22:42

Ok, We had a chat and I told him exactly what I’m looking for and the fact that it is not the physical relationship at all now and that would have e to come later if a relationship developed. He says he’s happy with that and does indeed like all of the activities I mentioned. I proposed that he come out where I am for a walk and coffee so he’s going to do it. So, last chance Saturday and see how it goes. Wish me luck!

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 28/10/2021 23:17

First, does he drive and own a car? Then, is he as willing to drive to you? Well you are testing that, so we will see. But before that, does he have sweet FA on his profile and expect you to "just ask?" - just don't even bother to talk to someone who can't be arsed to fill in their profile, they are the ones after sex who don't care what your or their personality is - and, they have more to hide.

YankeeDad · 28/10/2021 23:21

Be careful though: if you are transparent about what you need to see and hear, he might deliver that for a short while in order to get sex. Listen to your instincts and trust that you will have other options besides him.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2021 23:29

Doesn't sound as if he is interested in doing anything like meals out or cinema. I would forget about him. If you do have sex he might hang around for a couple of weeks then that will be it. Ditch.

Lampan · 28/10/2021 23:31

I think the fact that you had dinner last night and he said he didn’t see the point tells you everything you need to know. He’s not actually interested in getting to know you or doing nice things together. It couldn’t be more clear really

carspaul · 29/10/2021 00:18

@Lomita277

It seems like you're chasing him. Never tell a man what you are looking for as he will just change to suit that, for now.

Zerrin13 · 29/10/2021 00:28

OP Does he come from a country and culture where casual sex is not acceptable? If he does i would be seeing through him im afraid. He doesn't sound interested in a relationship in the slightest.
Why did you show interest in jim when he didn't even think to provide any information on his interests and hobbies? I'd say his number 1 interest is snagging. Expecting you to travel to his flat and not even go out together tells you all yiu need to know. This is going nowhere

RantyAunty · 29/10/2021 00:32

Why are you beating this dead horse?

You told him what you're looking for and did you really expect him to say he didn't want that and just wants sex?

His actions tell you everything.

StressyWoman · 29/10/2021 00:34

You’re 3 dates it and he’s being hard work, get rid.

Bluebells34 · 29/10/2021 09:55

He wants an easy arrangement you go to his for sex and thats all I am afraid by the looks of it. Find a more meaningful relationship

JudgementalCactus · 29/10/2021 10:14

*27/10/2021 16:45CinstonWhurchill

What you allow is what will happen. Allow people to treat you casually/badly/travel all the time and, that is how you will be treated and will happen.

If you want more, expect more and accept nothing less.*

This is excellent advice! You decide that you are girlfriend material and you don't accept being treated as anything less than that. It really is that simple.

MMmomDD · 29/10/2021 10:18

OP - why are you hang up on him at such early stage? You don’t mention anything special about him, or say that you even find him attractive. If fact you even said in the first two dates you weren’t attracted to him.
Your first post did mention that him being from a particular culture was a weakness of yours?

My point is - you want to date. You miss someone’s company. Why not actually find someone who is interested in the same?
Surely this wasn’t the only man you found online?
Also - in your place - I’d explore other platforms in addition to tinder

CinstonWhurchill · 29/10/2021 10:18

Op, again and with kindness this is going no where. A walk in the park and a coffee requires no great investment from him. You said in yr first post that you wanted to go to the cinema and do things. You have already had 3 " dates" so Sat is date 4? You have effectively just told him to up his game which in my mind would mean he should arrange a dinner and cinema trip for this Sat, near you. Of course you pay your way but he has shown no initiative at all. A free walk in the park and a £2.75 coffee is no investment at all. The whole bus thing and him not having a car would be prohibitive for me also. A dinner in a restaurant , cinema and them him getting the bus home would show me some kind of effort.

All of us on this thread have given him the red card, we identify he is not good enough for us. Why do you believe that he is good enough for you? Why are you waiting for Sat to see what happens? You have put your emotions and the future of the relationship right back into his hands again. Why?

A walk in the park and a coffee in
my mind is date no 1 territory, not 4 especially when you have been asked to up yr game or lose me. I really hope you can see Op that your bar is set very low. I honestly think you need to take time out from dating and work on your self esteem and confidence. Tbh OP even if he does turn up Sat, he really has made no great financial effort and i suspect you suggested the walk and the coffee. He is not really investing in you can you see that? Ask him this morning, to take the initiative and book a meal and a film , both near you. You pay for the cinema and he gets the meal, then he gets the bus home. This is what you said you wanted in yr first post. This is still what you are not getting. See how he reacts when you suggest this, for date 4 tomorrow.

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