Am I FWB or potential girlfriend?

[Lomita277]

Here I am again in another total quandary about dating. So, I met a man on Tinder, from a different country/culture to mine (that's my weakness in men) and we have been on three dates now. On the first couple of dates, he made an effort to ask me questions, talk about things I was interested in, etc. He is new in the country I live in and his English is good but not great. Works from home and is very quiet, doesn't drive as he lives in the city.

However, I notice a certain pattern developing. He doesn't seem to show any interest in travelling to where I am and keeps asking "when are you coming again". To be clear (and men just don't seem to read anything on dating profiles) I stated that I wanted to do interesting things like cinema, dining, events with somebody and slowly move to a relationship. We had dinner last night, which he didn't see the point of doing at all and then went back to his place and he was really ready to initiate sex but respectful when I said I wasn't ready.

But, I get the feeling that he sees me as a "hook up" only. I am happy to have a full physical relationship with somebody who I enjoy spending time with and doing things with but three dates, that's too early. I am separated and having dinners out and just chatting with another man is what I miss most about married life.

I wonder if he misunderstood this because I approached him on Tinder first? It's a 45 minute drive from my place up to where he is and the last thing I fancy is doing that drive a few times a week just to sit in his apartment and try and get him to be enthusiastic about going and doing things outside in the city. Am I a potential girlfriend or more FWB in his mind?

The bottom line is, when you find someone who is decent and interested in you, you will not go for someone like this again.

This is the kind of lesson that is learnt from experience I think. We've all said the same thing on this thread, but it won't make any difference.

Just ditch him.
He doesn't want to do the same things as you.
He doesn't want to fork out for a meal or cinema tickets.
Walk in the park and coffee is a first date.
By the 4th date I'd have expected a meal out already and possibly cinema if there was a film on we both wanted to see.
And if we had any interests in common such as music or hiking or a sport, a date relating to one of those.
The point is to find out if you get on in different situations not to keep going for a walk and a coffee to keep costs down while waiting for a shag.

I used to think that the 'he's just not that into you' thing was just a trope. Mainly because I never seemed to meet men who 'seemed that into me'.

Then I met the guy I'm dating at the moment and while it is very early days and I'm still not sure quite how into him I actually am , he has made it very clear he is into me. Nothing disrespectful at all, he has been a perfect gentleman and he isn't rushing me, but he:

• messaged me as soon as he got on his train at the end of the first date to ask when he could see me again
• has travelled to my city most of the time to see me (we live 40 mins apart)
• arranges every date at the end of the next and always plans something nice if it's his turn to plan
• has messaged me reliably every day, I've never had to wonder if he's going to call/message
• told me at the end of the second date that he was coming off the apps (and he has)

So while it's still early days, I'm now a believer that you know if someone's into you for more than sex. And this guy doesn't sound like he is.

@bathsh3ba

I used to think that the 'he's just not that into you' thing was just a trope. Mainly because I never seemed to meet men who 'seemed that into me'.

Then I met the guy I'm dating at the moment and while it is very early days and I'm still not sure quite how into him I actually am , he has made it very clear he is into me. Nothing disrespectful at all, he has been a perfect gentleman and he isn't rushing me, but he:

• messaged me as soon as he got on his train at the end of the first date to ask when he could see me again
• has travelled to my city most of the time to see me (we live 40 mins apart)
• arranges every date at the end of the next and always plans something nice if it's his turn to plan
• has messaged me reliably every day, I've never had to wonder if he's going to call/message
• told me at the end of the second date that he was coming off the apps (and he has)

So while it's still early days, I'm now a believer that you know if someone's into you for more than sex. And this guy doesn't sound like he is.

I had the same experience with my current partner. After 2 years of flakes and ghosters and weirdos his genuine and consistent interest from the get go just felt alien to me. So much so that I had to ask him to tone it down. I almost suspected him of love bombing me

Turns out that's just how decent mature men act when they are genuinely interested in you as an actual partner.

No wonder they say that "if he likes you, you will know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused".

Only he knows this. All you can do is observe his behavior and judge by this.

Never go by what a man says.. Always go by his actions.

All men want sex on dates. So it’s not unusual him trying it on. If I were you I would maybe go on a couple of more dates but not sleep with him if you don’t want to.

Also continue to see other men who might be a bit more suited to you. This one sounds like it could go either way.. yes fwb no to girlfriend.

PPs are 100% right.
When a guy is into you, there will be zero doubt at all.
They will pursue, be engaged, make the effort, drive things forward with their actions.

I like to give examples of when a guy is into you and you're not into them. They will call, they will ask you out.
And then you'll be lukewarm, trying to avoid them, etc.
It's just very obvious.

If your instinct was to ask us rather than him, then this isn't relationship material, regardless of what he wants.

Healthy relationships start with both parties feeling comfortable, a general feeling of understanding, and an openness to discuss any issues without inhibition, as and when they come up.

They don't start with a feeling of confusion, needs not being met, and asking the internet what's going on in the other person's head.

The fact that he's now potentially going to travel still doesn't tell you what he wants. Ask him. He's the one who actually knows without having to 'look for signs' or 'interpret' anything. If you can't ask him, or he can't tell you, then you won't make a very good couple, will you.

@Lomita277

Ok, We had a chat and I told him exactly what I’m looking for and the fact that it is not the physical relationship at all now and that would have e to come later if a relationship developed. He says he’s happy with that and does indeed like all of the activities I mentioned. I proposed that he come out where I am for a walk and coffee so he’s going to do it. So, last chance Saturday and see how it goes. Wish me luck!

I think you are selling yourself short by suggesting a walk and a coffee. You've apparently told him that you want to do interesting things. You should have suggested the cinema or a dinner or something. In suggested a walk and a coffee, you've undermined your own point. Also, he really could have taken the initiative to up his game and say "forget the walk, let's do [insert interesting date activity here]. But he didn't.

@Lomita277

Ok, We had a chat and I told him exactly what I’m looking for and the fact that it is not the physical relationship at all now and that would have e to come later if a relationship developed. He says he’s happy with that and does indeed like all of the activities I mentioned. I proposed that he come out where I am for a walk and coffee so he’s going to do it. So, last chance Saturday and see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Best of luck to you, I hope it works out. I think being straight with him was the best choice so everyone knows where they stand

How are you doing OP?

Right! Well reporting back- he is definitely looking for sex but he knows how to play the game - invited me for a coffee, walk, dinner (he paid but I had paid for the first one so we are even- I don’t like men to pay and expect something in return). Anyway, for the ten minutes we stopped off in his apartment, he «groped» me for the second time so I left. For me (and I explained this already to him) he absolutely doesn’t respect what I told him and now I don’t feel safe in his apartment. No contact yesterday or for most of today then he texted me hi, how’s it going.

Grim! I hope that’s the end !

Sorry to hear that Op. Glad you are ok and safe first and foremost. Block him and do not look back.

Op, you sound a lovely person and love will find you. Join clubs, experience things, participate, attend work socials- get out there real world style. Get to know people, attend as much as you can. You will meet people and friends of people and so on.

I met someone ( at 48, divorcee thru my choice ) as he came to my place of work ( sch) occasionally. It evolved over about 24 mths. He was friends of friends of my colleague. I personally do not want a " relationship" and made this clear from the start. The casual nature suits me fine. He would like more but i have made my position clear.

Anyway, in real life, everyday is an opportunity to meet someone and time will take care of the rest. You just need to be visible and real world out there Op. Ditch this loser and have some fun Op. X

However, I notice a certain pattern developing. He doesn't seem to show any interest in travelling to where I am and keeps asking "when are you coming again".

He's not interested in things like cinema, dining, events with somebody and slowly move to a relationship, despite you saying so on your profile. He agreed to dinner out last night, but as you say, saw no point in it - because for him, the point isn't getting to know you as a person - it's getting you into bed.

Also - nice as it is, & sad as it is that it needs remarking on - please don't give this man any kudos for respecting your desire not to have sex after the dinner. Accepting a "no" is a basic requirement.

He expects you to do all the travelling, & will as long as you keep doing it. So yes, you need to speak to him!
"As I put very clearly on my profile, I'm interested in (etc).
It doesn't seem like you are, & I'm reluctant to feel like I'm a booty call who travels to you just to stay in at your place. If that's all you want, we're not compatible.
If you want to spend some time getting to know each other properly, I'd expect you to be doing half the travelling, & more interesting things than just hanging out at your place."

What have you got to lose?

the third he stated that a couple months getting to know me without a physical relationship was way too long.

Bleugh.

"And a man who sets me a Sexual Compliance Expectation Date & isn't prepared to wait a measly 2 months, isn't the quality of man who interests me."

@Lomita277

I think I will say to him what Jennifer2r says. I think the truth is I’m asking because I have to confront him and say this and I was looking for a cowardly way out - for someone to say I should give it a chance and wait. Also, maybe I’ll send him in a few bus timetables so he could come out here and meet me.

Why do you feel that calmly & politely stating your requirements is a "confrontation", OP?

& why are you giving a chance to a man who has shown no inclination to travel to you, who doesn't want to do the fun stuff you want, is reluctant to even go out to dinner, & just wants you to come to his place, with a view to sex?

I'm not saying he's a bad man! - but you are not on the same page.
If he wanted similar things to you, he'd already be doing them.
One conversation is all it needs, & you will soon know if he is genuinely keen, or paying lip service.
And if you hang on for lip service, you are falling into the trap of "I'll change him, I'll wait for him to stop treating me as a FWB ...."

Sending him a train timetable isn't communication. It's hope, & passive acceptance. Don't hope - ask! Get clear about what you want & even clearer about what he wants, what he is prepared to do about it, & don't fall for any half-hearted gestures.

He doesn't drive, you do and he lives 45 minutes away

End this now

You'll be doing all the leg work and driving him around when you go out. You won't be able to drink but he will. He'll be loving it

A non driver is always going to be a big compromise

For me (and I explained this already to him) he absolutely doesn’t respect what I told him and now I don’t feel safe in his apartment. No contact yesterday or for most of today then he texted me hi, how’s it going.

Oh yuck OP.

But well done. You set a boundary, maintained it, communicated your displeasure, & conducted yourself with dignity.

His text is ... astonishing. "Hi, I am not paying attention to a single word you say, have you got over your boundaries yet, am I still in with a chance?"

Block!