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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dealing with a relentless bully at work

83 replies

Badgerand · 27/10/2021 13:14

Hi all, just looking for advice on a bully in the workplace before she comes back from leave. What do they actually want? This woman complains whatever I do, if I train her and give her everything I can to help she complains and reports me for trying to be her boss, if I don't then I'm inadequate and not helping her purposefully. I actually felt close to some kind of mental breakdown over it. Constant reports even though we are the same level, constant gossiping about me and pitting co-workers against me. Comments about a mild disability humiliating me in front of other staff members even though we work with sensitive data to do with disabilities. I feel like this woman absolutely hates me but I haven't done anything to her. Anyone shed any light, any former bullies, what do you actually want?

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 27/10/2021 16:43

Can you switch to another department?

You've been putting up with this for 2 years???

Apply for higher level jobs at other places and get out.

LemonadeLimes · 27/10/2021 16:45

You have a poor line manager. Speak directly to HR and ask them what they are planning to do about it. It is not your responsibility to fix this.

Original poster
Badgerand · 27/10/2021 16:59

@RantyAunty I know, I agree, surprising how ground down you can get though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badgerand · 27/10/2021 17:00

@LemonadeLimes Our line manager has a pitting against formula of managing so not easy to deal with, also has some kind of personal dislike to me has used me as a scratching post in the past mocking me in front of the team. So I felt reluctant to ask for help again.

OP posts:
YoureTheTop · 27/10/2021 17:08

Go to your union rep.

betheretoo · 27/10/2021 18:06

Sorry you are going through this OP. I've been in a similar situation and it can really get you down.

I would speak to your line manager's manager or HR and show them your evidence of bullying.

I was in a situation where lots of complaints were made about the bully and the line manager wouldn't sack them. I left my job and it did me the world of good being in a better environment.

I would recommend that you start looking for other jobs because it sounds like your work place is toxic.

ExcitedtoTry · 27/10/2021 22:05

[quote Badgerand]@LemonadeLimes Our line manager has a pitting against formula of managing so not easy to deal with, also has some kind of personal dislike to me has used me as a scratching post in the past mocking me in front of the team. So I felt reluctant to ask for help again.[/quote]
Don’t ask your manager. Go direct to HR.

Albertinier · 28/10/2021 23:45

I had a bully in my previous role. I applied for another job internally and got it. I don't know what it is but I just fit in better there. The people are nicer. I think she felt inadequate in hindsight. So she'd try and undermine people. All a bit sad really. But sometimes it's better to bide your time then move on. There are places where there isn't this rubbish going on.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 29/10/2021 00:26

I'm old and have dealt with multiple bullies at multiple jobs. I study the situation for awhile - see how the bully works, who are their allies, how effective they are with management (can they get managers to buy the smear campaigns), any weakness they may have, the quality of line management and HR, what exactly they are doing and can it be documented , these things - and then I decide what to do.

It just varies - sometimes you can do something about it and sometimes all you can do is leave.

My current bully is an idiot. I am just gray rock with her because she is incompetent and it's well known. She's also stealing and I have it documented. She has zero power over me contrary to what she thinks. It's amusing.

There was another one and in that case I had strong HR, strong line manager and what she was doing was easily documented (mostly by exploiting her lack of technology skills). She was fired.

There's another one who is AWFUL and causes utter chaos and targets people and successfully runs them off - but she is very transactional and I have what she needs. But what she does to others is criminal.

I have also left jobs because there was no remedy.

Good luck! I hope you figure something out that works for you.

Dubsub · 29/10/2021 05:30

OP sorry you are going through this, you absolutely shouldn’t have to be. Whilst there is good advice here on surviving bullying at work, it is NOT your job to manage the bully’s behaviour, it is your employer’s job to make sure that you can do you job without being harassed or humiliated.

You are right, you shouldn’t have to give up your job, but if you end up having to because of this, make sure that you make a claim for constructive dismissal. In fact you could start raising this with your employer in writing with the support of your union by for example saying ´it feels like you are forcing me out of my job and this would obviously be constructive dismissal’. Also mention in writing how your disability is being used to bully you, as not only is this unacceptable but it is also a further aggravating factor, should this go to employment tribunal (which will mean you employer will have to pay you more in damages).

It’s good that you are in a union but make sure they earn the subs that you pay them. If it’s a big union they will have a legal dept. with expertise in employment law. Be clear with your employer about what you want, for example, if they can’t get the bully to stop they need to move her to provide you with a safe place to work.

It is the responsibility of the organisation that you work for to provide you with a safe place of work. If your line manager isn’t up to doing this job, they need to find someone who is.

Stay strong, Good luck and solidarity. Flowers

Dubsub · 29/10/2021 05:45

I’ve just reread. It sounds like your line manager is part of the problem if they are mocking you in front of the team. If you haven’t already, use the formal grievance procedure to address the bullying at work that you are suffering. Also have regular contact with your union rep to make sure s/he keeps pushing to resolve your case.

TorchesTorches · 29/10/2021 06:03

I would just get another job/apply for a transfer etc. Your manager doesn't sound supportive and honestly bullies don't change. No matter what you do, you are set up to lose. Your behaviour makes no difference to their awfulness. Go before your mental health and confidence are shot to pieces.

KiaOraWasTheBest · 29/10/2021 06:06

Why are you training her if she's on the same level

Morethanthis71 · 29/10/2021 09:54

I would formalise any meeting you have with her. So ref the training - email her and copy in HR what you have done, any actions that need to be taken by her and when. Then follow that up the next time you meet with her. If she is rude to you, follow that up in an email as well. Keep emotive language out of it and turn it into her being unprofessional / against staff code of conduct. She will not like there being a paper trail of her behaviour but to secure your own position, I would do this.

Twocrabs30 · 29/10/2021 10:46

I agree with @Pinkbonbon and @2boysDad. Leave. There are no prizes for being a martyr and I expect your position and sanity and well-being will only deteriorate the longer you stay.

Flowers I have been in your shoes and it was awful.

ElftonWednesday · 29/10/2021 11:03

Start fighting back and taking no prisoners with her, or any of them, you will feel so much better for it.

ElftonWednesday · 29/10/2021 11:14

I would take her into a meeting room and calmly give her a list of things she has done to me and ask her what her problem is, what on earth does she want from you? Ask her for her constructive ideas as to how you can work together better- she won't have any. It may not stop the behaviour but it will let her know that you have her number. It might well stop her in her tracks. Also when she asks you to do something which is unreasonable, just say no. Add this to your records of what she has been doing.

If your line manager says something in front of the team, get her into a meeting and tell her how uncomfortable that made you feel, how unreasonable she was and ask her why you should not be reporting that remark to HR?

Basically, be assertive, stand firm and make a bloody nuisance of yourself if necessary while looking for another job, it will make you feel tons better. You do not have to put up with their shit.

ElftonWednesday · 29/10/2021 11:15

I don't mean a paper list by the way, I mean verbally!

Bluntness100 · 29/10/2021 11:19

Op, when you say reluctant to ask for help again what do you mean. Have you previously complained about your boss bullying you too?

Original poster
Badgerand · 29/10/2021 12:16

Thanks everyone for all the advice! I feel a bit better just reading the replies. @KiaOraWasTheBest Yes I've been wondering that myself, I'm expected to do my job which has a very heavy workload and train her, whenever she makes mistakes she calls a meeting with my line manager and says I haven't trained her enough, even though I have an endless trail of all of the training. It's always framed in some personal way as well, that because of my disability I'm shit and not fit for the job which is awful as I am doing the work of about 3 people (basically what was a whole team) I work bloody hard.

@Bluntness100 I'm reluctant as I've asked a few times for help as it was escalating to violence against my stuff at work and they just kept telling me it was a personality issue and to try and 'get on.'

OP posts:
YoureTheTop · 29/10/2021 12:25

It's always framed in some personal way as well, that because of my disability I'm shit and not fit for the job

Does your disability in any way affect your work?

Is it something like being hard of hearing, and the colleague making comments about mutton jeff or something? (

YoureTheTop · 29/10/2021 12:26

In which case, you need to get your union in on this

WhatDidISayAlan · 29/10/2021 12:29

I had a colleague and my line manager in some kind of sociopathic pincer movement. I got depression, got that sorted, and left. It’s the best thing I ever did.

Wombat49 · 29/10/2021 12:31

Leave.

Only head getting bashed by the brick wall is you. They aren't supporting you, time for offski.

furbabymama87 · 29/10/2021 12:41

I went through this when I was aged 18 to about 22 with a woman a couple of years older. Sarah, her name was. I dreaded going to work because of her. She was horrible to me every single day and would try to embarrass me and catch me out over things constantly, but everything she said was stuff that could be passed as fine, it was just the way she said it so she got away with it. I never reported it because she was loud and I was quiet, she was up the manager's arse and I had never been bullied in school so felt embarrassed about being bullied as an adult. I always wish I had reported it because she moved on to bully someone else who did report it and then she was suspended. Maybe with two allegations she'd have been sacked.

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