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Original poster

If meeting someone felt impossible, did things change? I’m feeling shit!

70 replies

HapyHahap · 25/10/2021 20:21

I’m old, late 30s. I know hearing other tales of people meeting someone doesn’t mean anything will be the same for me. But I am so so hopeless tonight.

Swiping away, trying to have conversations. I date. I do all the things you’re supposed to. Open minded etc. Not too rigid. Have my own friends and interests.

It feels hopeless.

OP posts:
Original poster
HapyHahap · 25/10/2021 20:35

Anyone :(

OP posts:
KatMansfield6 · 25/10/2021 20:57

I was in my early thirties, had left a not great long term relationship and was single again. I’ve never found it easy to meet people or to date — bit shy and have had long periods being single. Didn’t think I’d meet anyone else and felt quite panicky. Then an old friend asked me out (totally unexpectedly) and although I hesitated as I wasn’t sure he was really my type decided to go for it. It’s been brilliant since. I don’t think everyone is lucky enough to find someone and it always felt harder for me than for other people BUT sometimes random things happen. I have an aunt who was pretty much single until her 50s when she met her husband. They are wonderful together.

emanresua · 25/10/2021 20:59

I can empathise. I'm just about to hit 40. It feels like a big leap from my "30s", and it's making me feel very single despite having a full life of amazing hobbies and friends.

Hoping for lots of stories of life begining at 40!

KatMansfield6 · 25/10/2021 21:03

Oh and my DH was in his early 40s and is hopefully equally happy.

LemonadeLimes · 25/10/2021 21:07

I felt the same and gave up dating for a bit. 2 years of lots of dates and never feeling it.

In the break I decided to become a solo parent using a doner because what I really wanted was a child. Spoke to a male friend and convinced me to give dating 1 month before giving up on mankind. In my head I had already. First date… bam. He’s the love of my life. We met when I was 37 & we’re TTC at the mo.

Pleasebe2022 · 25/10/2021 21:11

I'm 47 and recently divorced. Been OLD a month and it feels shit and hopeless. I'm with you. Totally get it.

Original poster
HapyHahap · 25/10/2021 21:13

@LemonadeLimes

I felt the same and gave up dating for a bit. 2 years of lots of dates and never feeling it.

In the break I decided to become a solo parent using a doner because what I really wanted was a child. Spoke to a male friend and convinced me to give dating 1 month before giving up on mankind. In my head I had already. First date… bam. He’s the love of my life. We met when I was 37 & we’re TTC at the mo.

@LemonadeLimes so happy to read this! It makes me wonder, how did you get to the point of giving up? I really really really want to get to that stage and I find that I still scramble around, desperately looking for the next date whether online or elsewhere. I can’t seem to let it go and I wish I could just stop now. It’s making me so unhappy.
OP posts:
LemonadeLimes · 25/10/2021 21:36

I was truly sick of dating and small talk (I remember saying ‘I can’t be bothered to get to know anyone now’ and it was completely true) so I decided to make a game out it that final month. I would date any man who didn’t show certain red flags regardless of looks/height/job. I had 4 dates in the first week (date 1 & my now partner didn’t ask me for a second date until it was too late to cancel the others!). I would also only go for a coffee with them so no time wasted. All four were the best dates I’ve ever had… and I’ve had a lot. Knowing I was happy to be a solo parent and I didn’t need this really took the edge off.

Tbh this time last year I felt truly hopeless & was in a really dark place. I never thought I’d meet someone. When Boris cancelled Xmas I sobbed for days knowing it was just me and my parents. I felt like a loser and was so hard on myself. It all felt so impossible and even now we both say to each other ‘I can’t believe we met’. I will never take my relationship for granted.

Go easy on yourself. If it’s not fun now, stop. Commit to a month or three date free. Give yourself a break & figure out what you want x

LemonadeLimes · 25/10/2021 21:38

I should have added my OH was on the apps a full year before I swiped on him. No idea how I missed him because he is my type! Algorithm maybe!

JustAnother0ldMan · 25/10/2021 21:43

I’m a bit older 51, 52 this week.
And it’s no better on the ‘other side’, I had some dates with some boring women and met some flakey ones this year and have stopped.
As PP suggests, when the fun stops, stop dating for a bit

ShatnersWig · 25/10/2021 22:23

I split with my ex in early 2010 when I was 36 after several years in a sexual relationship. We'd been together 10 years. I had a few dates in 2011 and 2012 but that was it. Gave up on dating sites, never met anyone in any of my hobbies or at work. I pretty much assumed I would remain single.

Then I met someone online (but not dating site) during the pandemic - go figure - who lives 100 miles away. We spend every weekend together but finding it difficult to find a job to relocate. But she's the best person I've ever met and I've never been happier (aside from the distance).

Bellendejour · 25/10/2021 22:23

I met dp when I was 40 and my ex before him when I was 39. Both serious relationships, I just liked DP more. Had our daughter at 42! After years of on/off dating (and associated horrendousness). Do explore donor sperm/have fertility mot but it can also all happen suddenly. Have a break for now and look after yourself. I did find it happened when I had dropped my expectations of a date to a solid zero 😂 - he turned out to be really lovely!

Original poster
HapyHahap · 25/10/2021 22:30

@Bellendejour how did you drop all expectations?! I wish I could get to that stage. It’s the hope that kills me

OP posts:
Original poster
HapyHahap · 25/10/2021 22:31

@ShatnersWig that’s so lovely SmileSmile

OP posts:
CecilieRose · 25/10/2021 22:33

I'm in a relationship that isn't going very well atm and am a bit worried I'll never meet anyone else if I leave but I do have a few friends who met wonderful partners in their late thirties - one of them was 39. She had given up on finding marriage or kids and gone to do a ski season in the Alps because she loves skiing and just wanted to make herself happy. She met a lovely man there in the first week and now they've been married two years. No interest in kids anymore and she's having an amazing time living abroad and working remotely with him. Another friend left her partner at 37 because it just didn't feel right anymore, and met someone else about six months later on a night out with friends. She's 43 now and they're still together and happy.

I do think online dating is really hard at this age, and it's better to meet IRL, but obviously that's a lot more difficult at the moment with the pandemic, if you're concerned about being out and about at all.

coodawoodashooda · 25/10/2021 22:33

@LemonadeLimes

I was truly sick of dating and small talk (I remember saying ‘I can’t be bothered to get to know anyone now’ and it was completely true) so I decided to make a game out it that final month. I would date any man who didn’t show certain red flags regardless of looks/height/job. I had 4 dates in the first week (date 1 & my now partner didn’t ask me for a second date until it was too late to cancel the others!). I would also only go for a coffee with them so no time wasted. All four were the best dates I’ve ever had… and I’ve had a lot. Knowing I was happy to be a solo parent and I didn’t need this really took the edge off.

Tbh this time last year I felt truly hopeless & was in a really dark place. I never thought I’d meet someone. When Boris cancelled Xmas I sobbed for days knowing it was just me and my parents. I felt like a loser and was so hard on myself. It all felt so impossible and even now we both say to each other ‘I can’t believe we met’. I will never take my relationship for granted.

Go easy on yourself. If it’s not fun now, stop. Commit to a month or three date free. Give yourself a break & figure out what you want x

That's so sweet.
bookworm100 · 25/10/2021 22:47

Just following as I love these threads because I'm in a similar boat x

anthurium · 26/10/2021 07:13

@HapyHahap

What are your priorities: to have children or to find a partner because both may not be possible (due to age/fertility)? Are you afraid of missing out (marriage and children)? Is that the reason you feel hopeless?

As you've pointed out other people's supposed success stories are irrelevant - it may or may not be the case for you.

I think many women in particular in their late 30s are afraid of loneliness so seem to jump from one relationship in to another easily...and lower their bar just so not to have to face the dating apps any longer.

It takes takes time to find a genuine connection with someone as I'm sure you. know.

CecilieRose · 26/10/2021 08:21

@anthurium for God's sake, your obsession with fertility is so draining and self centred.

OP didn't even mention children. Not even once. If that were the priority, she'd have written a post about that. Finding a partner at all gets harder the older you get. There's no need for snide comments about women being afraid of loneliness. It's a perfectly normal, natural human feeling to desire intimacy and company. It's weird how you think it's fine for you to have a child alone to satisfy that need, but other women are somehow wrong to seek it in an adult partner.

anthurium · 26/10/2021 08:30

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium for God's sake, your obsession with fertility is so draining and self centred.

OP didn't even mention children. Not even once. If that were the priority, she'd have written a post about that. Finding a partner at all gets harder the older you get. There's no need for snide comments about women being afraid of loneliness. It's a perfectly normal, natural human feeling to desire intimacy and company. It's weird how you think it's fine for you to have a child alone to satisfy that need, but other women are somehow wrong to seek it in an adult partner.[/quote]
@CecilieRose

Please stop being so vitriolic and work on your failing relationship

anthurium · 26/10/2021 08:34

It is well observed that many women fall prey to low standards out of desperation.

Fertility affects all women, discussing it within a context of wanting to have a family is very relevant - otherwise it's just being in denial.

Op didn't categorically say she didn't went child/children.

anthurium · 26/10/2021 08:36

Nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and companionship within an adult relationship (I'd like that too one day again) but at what price? Putting up with unacceptable behaviour/lowering your standards?

JudgementalCactus · 26/10/2021 08:44

Took me a little over 2 years and more than 100 first dated (probably more, I lost count) to find a keeper in my late 20s.

I found dating fun at times but generally soulsucking. All the false hopes, the ghosting and breadcrumbing, the same small talk over and over again. Every few months I would break down and delete the apps for a couple weeks. Many a tearful conversation over a bottle of wine with my equally single and miserable roommate.

However, I would say it was worth it in the end because it's been two years with my partner and he's just as lovely as he was in those first few weeks. I'm always on the lookout for red flags and there just aren't any. It's like a breath of fresh air. And I'm sure the countless failed situationships I had to endure were very valuable lessons about my boundaries and needs, how to spot flakers and commitment-phobes, narcissists, etc as it put me in a much better position to recognise and appreciate a good one when I found one.

Original poster
HapyHahap · 26/10/2021 08:56

Thanks @JudgementalCactus I think I have just stated to feel exhausted now. I just can’t face it all. I feel really low about it and hopeless. My last relationship broke my heart and shocked me the way it ended…I thought we were forever. I want to be ok with being alone but I’m not.

OP posts:
Gemi33 · 26/10/2021 08:59

Hi OP

I am exactly the same - late thirties, haven't had so much as a date in a very long time and it just feels hopeless. I do love reading others positive stories but it just feels like it will never be me...

xx