Page 3 | If meeting someone felt impossible, did things change? I’m feeling shit!

HapyHahap · 2021-10-25T19:21:39+00:00

I’m old, late 30s. I know hearing other tales of people meeting someone doesn’t mean anything will be the same for me. But I am so so hopeless tonight. Swiping away, trying to have conversations. I date. I do all the things you’re supposed to. Open minded etc. Not too rigid. Have my own friends and interests. It feels hopeless.

anthurium · 26/10/2021 11:03

@CecilieRose

And not all women are informed about fertility issues - hence why they keep being told they have 'plenty of time' in their late 30s and late 40s when statistically this isn't the case. People like to be in denial for some reason.

Why are you emotionally invested in these threads? And so so angry.

CecilieRose · 26/10/2021 11:04

@anthurium so why do you tell women who want to find partners that they're afraid of loneliness? How do you not see that it's the same thing - wanting to have someone in your life, whether it's a child or a partner? How do you not see the absolute hypocrisy in the fact you see your choice as a positive decision whereas other women must be 'panicking' or 'desperate'?

FortunesFavour · 26/10/2021 11:05

Yes OP, things can definitely change.

I was exactly the same in my late 30’s - just out of an ltr, hit rock bottom, OLD was awful.

Then I just gave up really. Decided I was ok on my own, I was going to plan a happy independent life. Was still going to internet date but just for a laugh…no messing, not trying to impress anyone, take me as I am or go away.

I had great fun with this attitude for a couple of years, lots of dates and laughs, no emotional downer for me. And then I met the love of my life at age 41 using this method. Via online dating. We’re getting married next year (should already be married by now but have had to postpone twice due to covid!).

Chin up OP, there’s loads of time and there are good guys out there, including online. Good luck to you x

CecilieRose · 26/10/2021 11:09

@anthurium I'm not angry. I'm just fed up of seeing you sniping at women for wanting different things to you. I'm fed up of you using negative language like 'desperate' or 'lonely' if a woman has the completely reasonable desire to meet a partner. It's patronising and extremely rude, and the constant promotion of having a child alone is weird. You infantilise other women by assuming they don't know their own minds. If OP's concern was children, she'd have said so.

anthurium · 26/10/2021 11:41

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium I'm not angry. I'm just fed up of seeing you sniping at women for wanting different things to you. I'm fed up of you using negative language like 'desperate' or 'lonely' if a woman has the completely reasonable desire to meet a partner. It's patronising and extremely rude, and the constant promotion of having a child alone is weird. You infantilise other women by assuming they don't know their own minds. If OP's concern was children, she'd have said so.[/quote]
Well, they are stating they are lonely for a lack of a partner and getting emotionally distressed over not finding one. That to me is a form of desperation. Then the women should stop using the words such as feeling 'hopeless' over not meeting a man. Why be hopeless?

Promoting independence/free will/control over your life choices/determination/courage isn't 'weird' it's an alternative to the narrative of meet a man/settle down and have a child. Just another option.

anthurium · 26/10/2021 11:44

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium so why do you tell women who want to find partners that they're afraid of loneliness? How do you not see that it's the same thing - wanting to have someone in your life, whether it's a child or a partner? How do you not see the absolute hypocrisy in the fact you see your choice as a positive decision whereas other women must be 'panicking' or 'desperate'?[/quote]
Making yourself ill by being on the dating apps is bizarre behaviour.

Hunting for a partner is a strange phenomenon... Why be 'desperate' for one?

Because solo parenting is about not having to rely on anyone else's whim - it's about 'waiting'. Well, why are they so feeling so hopeless in their late 30s/40s then?

JudgementalCactus · 26/10/2021 11:56

Guys, can we stop derailing OP's thread now, please?

CecilieRose · 26/10/2021 11:59

@anthurium plenty of people would think resorting to using a stranger's sperm to have a child is strange. For some reason you think your wants and needs are valid and other people's are wrong.

You can decide to have a child alone with the help of science but you can't magic up a partner, can you? You DO have to rely on someone else. So it's completely understandable to start to feel hopeless if you really want to meet someone and it isn't happening. For some reason you are assuming the feeling of hopelessness has to do with it getting late to have a child when she hasn't mentioned children even once.

Meeting a partner is one of the few things in life you genuinely can't just make happen through willpower and determination. You can work hard to get a better job, more money, a nice house, even a baby. Romantic relationships just don't work like that and wanting one doesn't mean the woman has nothing going on in her life!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 26/10/2021 12:02

@JudgementalCactus

Guys, can we stop derailing OP's thread now, please?

@JudgementalCactus

seemingly. those two are still going.

OP I wish you the best but I'm gonna hide this thread now as it's utterly boring to see those 2 posters going back and forth.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 26/10/2021 12:02

haha, I meant "seemingly NO"
🤣
oh well.

CecilieRose · 26/10/2021 12:11

Well, perhaps that poster should stop hijacking threads to push her agenda. I'm done here and looking forward to seeing more supportive stories from people who met partners later in life.

anthurium · 26/10/2021 12:34

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium plenty of people would think resorting to using a stranger's sperm to have a child is strange. For some reason you think your wants and needs are valid and other people's are wrong.

You can decide to have a child alone with the help of science but you can't magic up a partner, can you? You DO have to rely on someone else. So it's completely understandable to start to feel hopeless if you really want to meet someone and it isn't happening. For some reason you are assuming the feeling of hopelessness has to do with it getting late to have a child when she hasn't mentioned children even once.

Meeting a partner is one of the few things in life you genuinely can't just make happen through willpower and determination. You can work hard to get a better job, more money, a nice house, even a baby. Romantic relationships just don't work like that and wanting one doesn't mean the woman has nothing going on in her life![/quote]
In a world of scripted narrative yes it is strange - but for those of us who rake time to think about our options logically it isn't.

Of course romantic relationships dont work like that but again for the women who aren't willing to wait/settle/end up childless not by choice this is a valid and empowering option

FortunesFavour · 26/10/2021 13:24

I put a supportive story about meeting a partner later in life! But then I ducked back below the parapet so as not to get caught in the crosshairs…

CecilieRose · 26/10/2021 14:22

@FortunesFavour I liked your story. Out of interest, how did you know your partner was 'the one' when you met? Was it an instant attraction or did you build up a friendship first after meeting, or something else?

myheartskippedabeat · 26/10/2021 15:21

@HapyHahap

Hey
Don't give up
I met my partner when I was 33 and had 1st baby at 35, second at 39
We'd been friends for years and I'd always liked him and unbeknown to me he'd always liked me and we were both at a 40th and got chatting
The rest is history

I was so fed up tho hated online dating - some of the people on there are just fruit loops!!!!

RedPandaFluff · 26/10/2021 22:18

Haven't RTFT but just wanted to dip in and say there's absolutely every chance you can meet someone lovely. I met DH online when I was almost 37, and we had DD aged 40. He's fantastic. Not perfect, obviously, neither of us are, but we've built a good life together. It's totally possible - keep trying!

HazelBite · 26/10/2021 22:46

I have 4 sons, 2 of them are single (38 and 40) both desperate to settle down and have a family, they have male friends around their ages in exactly the same position, so its not just a female problem!
Both of them have told me that many of the women that they have met online in the age 30+ age group do not want to have children!

DixonD · 26/10/2021 23:29

My mother met her now husband when she was 47. Her then husband (my father) had just left her. Again. She never thought she’d meet anyone else. She had 11 children in tow as well.

It does happen. There’s hope. The best way is still “the old way” of meeting people, but fewer people venture out socially now. It’s sad really.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you. You’re not old!!

coodawoodashooda · 27/10/2021 00:55

@HazelBite

I have 4 sons, 2 of them are single (38 and 40) both desperate to settle down and have a family, they have male friends around their ages in exactly the same position, so its not just a female problem! Both of them have told me that many of the women that they have met online in the age 30+ age group do not want to have children!

That seems impossible!

lovingnewme · 27/10/2021 01:15

@HazelBite

I have 4 sons, 2 of them are single (38 and 40) both desperate to settle down and have a family, they have male friends around their ages in exactly the same position, so its not just a female problem! Both of them have told me that many of the women that they have met online in the age 30+ age group do not want to have children!

I think because most of the women I know that are mothers knew they wanted to have children right from their own childhoods. Many of them (if not most) met guys at uni and married them before starting a family in the next few years - so mostly mid twenties to early thirties. It was really an important thing to them to start a family and to have their family youngish, so they found suitable guys very early on and didn't prat around like I did and or marry someone who was completely not suitable for raising a family with I am now mid-forties and online dating guys my age or older/younger by a few years. So many of them seem to want children (on their profiles - who knows in real life) and I am past that age now and it makes me wonder why the hell thru haven't pulled their fingers out and coupled up much younger and started families then? I think some guys think they can mess around for decades then suddenly decide they want kids and look around - and guess what - no opportunity, they've missed the boat!