If meeting someone felt impossible, did things change? I’m feeling shit!

[HapyHahap]

I’m old, late 30s. I know hearing other tales of people meeting someone doesn’t mean anything will be the same for me. But I am so so hopeless tonight.

Swiping away, trying to have conversations. I date. I do all the things you’re supposed to. Open minded etc. Not too rigid. Have my own friends and interests.

It feels hopeless.

I was 34 when I met my now husband (online dating). We’ve now been married for 3.5 years and have 2 children.

I left an abusive marriage and had resigned myself to not finding anyone else. I was actually very happily single. Totally self sufficient single parent and was adamant that I wasn’t settling for another useless bloke. I’m now incredibly happy. I’ll be 40 next year.

@anthurium I'm not being vitriolic but YOU are. You are being extremely self centred and unpleasant by banging on about fertility and solo parenthood in every single thread to the point of it being an agenda, and shaming women for wanting to meet a partner.

OP wanted to know if things can change if meeting someone feels impossible and the rest of us have posted support and stories about finding someone at her age and beyond.

You've just made snide comments about women her age 'being afraid of loneliness' and banged on about fertility, which she literally never mentioned even once. For all you know, she already has kids, doesn't want kids or can't have kids. It's extremely rude to assume fertility and children are at the forefront of all women's minds and priorities.

If she had mentioned anything about children, perhaps your post would have been appropriate, but she didn't. It's actually really sexist to assume all women are desperate for babies just because you are.

@anthurium

Nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and companionship within an adult relationship (I'd like that too one day again) but at what price? Putting up with unacceptable behaviour/lowering your standards?

I'm not sure why you assume OP is doing that, because she's talked about not having any success. Most women can find a partner pretty easily if they lower their standards, so it doesn't seem to me like she's doing that.

When I was 23 I moved countries because I had been so fed up with boys/men that I just wanted a break from stress & pressure to find someone and instead I wanted focus to focus on studying a language and just being in a different environment.
I had honestly given up on ever finding The One; ack in the day if you weren't married with 2 kids by the time you were 25 you were a failure in my country so I resigned to be a singleton who keeps dogs for company.

Little did I know that 5 weeks after arriving I'd meet Mr Right 🤣
This was in 1997, we've been together since, married for 21 years and have 7 kids.

So there, relocate!

I had been single (I mean really single, not even dating) for 7 years when I met my now fiancé at the age of 40.
About 6 months before meeting him I tried online dating but only met 2 men and they were both dire!
Anyway my sister arranged for me to have a blind date with someone her partner knew.
We’ve been together over 5 years and engaged for 2 years. I honestly had resigned myself to being alone so never give up!

I was late 20's two children one with additional needs. Dating was soul destroying especially at my age with children. I had been single for 5 years. I had given up on dating tbh. I sat with my friends and actually thought about what i wanted in a person, not looks just older, had their own children etc. I then went back online and looked past what i thought was "my type" look wise.

I then met my now partner, and honestly he's amazing and the absolute love of my life. Been together nearly three year's. So it can happen, unfortunately there is just a lot of trash in the ocean as they say

[quote CecilieRose]@anthurium I'm not being vitriolic but YOU are. You are being extremely self centred and unpleasant by banging on about fertility and solo parenthood in every single thread to the point of it being an agenda, and shaming women for wanting to meet a partner.

OP wanted to know if things can change if meeting someone feels impossible and the rest of us have posted support and stories about finding someone at her age and beyond.

You've just made snide comments about women her age 'being afraid of loneliness' and banged on about fertility, which she literally never mentioned even once. For all you know, she already has kids, doesn't want kids or can't have kids. It's extremely rude to assume fertility and children are at the forefront of all women's minds and priorities.

If she had mentioned anything about children, perhaps your post would have been appropriate, but she didn't. It's actually really sexist to assume all women are desperate for babies just because you are.[/quote]
My thoughts exactly!
It's misogynistic to assume all women must be desperate for motherhood and driven solely by their biological clock ticking away. Such a simplistic view!

@anthurium

It is well observed that many women fall prey to low standards out of desperation.

Fertility affects all women, discussing it within a context of wanting to have a family is very relevant - otherwise it's just being in denial.

Op didn't categorically say she didn't went child/children.

But OP never even mentions wanting a family, let alone children. She specifically talk about finding a parter. That's all.

You've filled in the blanks and made lots of assumptions on her behalf, derailed the conversation to having children, then made a blanket statement about 30something women making bad choices out of desperation.

That's not very helpful, is it?

I'm 42 and been single for over 10 years. I don't see that changing. I look nice, enviable figure, told i'm interesting but there's obviously just something about me. I get the message by now lmao.

Op didn't categorically say she didn't want a family - surely it would have been explicitly stated if that's the case?

Actually if you read the other similar sounding threads on here a lot of women do want to get married and have a family. Nothing misogynistic about that.

@CecilieRose

You're very angry. I've following your vitriolic posts on another thread ...are you scared you might have to finish your current relationship and shock horror be alone?!

I was just about to turn 30, chronically ill and had been told by several people that nobody would want anyone as sick as me. Got chatting to a guy in a fb group of a mutual hobby 6 weeks before my 30th and now three years later I'm about to have our first child and we are getting married next year 😊 I honestly thought that I would never find someone who would look past my issues and see me for me. I've even been diagnosed as neurodiverse this year as well and he isn't the slightest bit phased.

I know exactly how you feel OP. I went through my entire 20s and early 30s single, and going on endless dates, desperate to meet 'the one'. Sometimes I would give up for a few months, but I always wanted a partner so badly that I'd start on the dating apps again.

I used to HATE it when people said to me, 'oh don't worry, it'll happen when you least expect it', or 'stop looking so hard and it'll happen'. So I won't say those things to you. I don't think either of those statements are necessarily true.

All I would say is I did eventually find someone who is more perfect than I could ever imagine. I love him so much and I'm so glad I went through years of singledom to find him.

The week I met him, I was on a proper mission and had planned FOUR first dates with people I'd met on dating apps, the first 3 dates were awful, to the extent I almost didn't go on my date with him as it was a Saturday night and I didn't want to waste another night of my life on a pointless date. I ended up dragging myself to it, unwashed hair, casual clothes, and we just clicked.

So all I would say is - keep trying!!!! Don't give up.

"I'm not sure why you assume OP is doing that, because she's talked about not having any success. Most women can find a partner pretty easily if they lower their standards, so it doesn't seem to me like she's doing that."

Swiping away is causing op mental anguish - I mean she's feeling hopeless enough to create a whole thread about it.

She may not be...who knows for sure?

@anthurium

"I'm not sure why you assume OP is doing that, because she's talked about not having any success. Most women can find a partner pretty easily if they lower their standards, so it doesn't seem to me like she's doing that."

Swiping away is causing op mental anguish - I mean she's feeling hopeless enough to create a whole thread about it.

She may not be...who knows for sure?

Show me one woman that is thriving mentally while doing OLD!

The fact OP is struggling says nothing about herself. If anything, it shows she has standards, otherwise she would have settled for some good-enough-for-now dude already.

[quote anthurium]@CecilieRose

You're very angry. I've following your vitriolic posts on another thread ...are you scared you might have to finish your current relationship and shock horror be alone?![/quote]
I love how you keep calling me vitriolic when you're one of the nastiest posters around, constantly sniping at people with snide comments and put downs if they don't appreciate your endless fertility spiel. You just can't stand being called out so you accuse anyone who dares to challenge your weird behaviour of being vitriolic.

I live alone and have done for years, including many years abroad, and almost always travel alone (just back from hiking in the Alps and heading off to France next week), so it's absolutely hilarious to me that a woman who is so afraid of loneliness that she's having a child with donor sperm is accusing me of not wanting to be alone. I see my partner once a week and sometimes not even that. We're both autistic and both find spending time with other humans difficult, but there is also a lot of good things there and I've been encouraged by my therapist not to automatically throw it away without seeing if it could work out because I would likely have the same sorts of issues with any partner.

That enough info for you?

@JudgementalCactus exactly!!! How anyone could argue otherwise is beyond me. The fact she's swiping away and feels hopeless illustrates that she isn't desperate and going for just anyone, or as you say, she'd have just picked someone to settle for by now.

@anthurium

Op didn't categorically say she didn't want a family - surely it would have been explicitly stated if that's the case?

Actually if you read the other similar sounding threads on here a lot of women do want to get married and have a family. Nothing misogynistic about that.

See, there you go again with the misogyny and casual sexism, assuming that any woman who doesn't explicitly say she doesn't want children must want them. Why can't it be the other way around?

@judgementalCactus

There are women who do OK/well on the apps, not a huge number, but they certainly aren't feeling hopeless. Maybe they just aren't as invested in romantic relationships? Get fulfilment from other areas of life?
Here on another thread a poster has advised:

Suprema:

@PumpkinSpiceGirl

"Online dating isn’t dreadful if you are strict with how you use it. The only people have the worst experiences are those who completely ignore red flag bunting, then act surprised when the bloke is a waste of time.

Sexy chat and winky faces- block
‘Just want to see where things go’- block
Makes no effort to actually arrange a date and wants a pen pal- block
Wants to take you on a walk date like you are a dog or go to each other’s houses- block
Comments on your appearance in a way that makes you feel odd- block

Make a list of what you want in a man. You can have non-negotiables, keeping it loose- or write a list of things your ‘dream man’ would have.. right down to hair colour and the type of hobbies you enjoy.

Jump onto an app (tinder and bumble are better- hinge allows men without a personality to fake one) and ONLY SWIPE for those who fulfil your list. Anything dodgy, block. If they don’t ask you for a date, they are wasting your time.

As PP have said- hobby groups and live music are a great way to meet people in real life, so do this too, but don’t shun online dating."

@CecilieRose

"See, there you go again with the misogyny and casual sexism, assuming that any woman who doesn't explicitly say she doesn't want children must want them. Why can't it be the other way around?"

You are being just as presumptions about her wants and desires. Why assume she doesn't want them (just because it isn't stated)? It is quite painful/shameful even for some to admit you want children but can't have them for whatever reason.

I'm same in my 30's and after a shock ending to my marriage that broke me, I turned to the apps. I spent a few years swiping, dated a few guys but never really felt it, never finding that special someone. I kept coming off the apps for a break now and then. One night, fed up of it all again, I went on to delete my account. Before I did a saw a face appear along the bottom I'd never seen before. Liked his profile, dropped him a message. 2.5 years on moving in together.

I used to read countless stories like this as well, and never thought it would happen for me. It's a numbers game, and luck. However, I used to always say to myself 'what are the odds of staying single for the rest of my life?' That often kept me going.

[quote anthurium]@CecilieRose

"See, there you go again with the misogyny and casual sexism, assuming that any woman who doesn't explicitly say she doesn't want children must want them. Why can't it be the other way around?"

You are being just as presumptions about her wants and desires. Why assume she doesn't want them (just because it isn't stated)? It is quite painful/shameful even for some to admit you want children but can't have them for whatever reason.[/quote]
Because that's how it works!! It's rude to assume things about people. If she can't have children then it's even more inappropriate to be banging on about them in a thread about finding a partner. What value do you think banging on about fertility has? It's patronising to assume all women must want children and even more patronising to assume women aren't well aware of declining fertility as they age.

You shoehorn fertility and solo parenthood into every single thread started by a woman who wants to find a life partner. It's weird. It doesn't come across as wanting to help or support (because you're often extremely rude and scathing), it comes across as pushing an agenda. I've seen women politely tell you to back off because they don't want to have a child alone and you've then basically bullied them. It's really unacceptable behaviour that borders on abusive. It's great that you've found a way to have a child alone if that's what YOU want but why do you insist on pushing it on everyone else?!

Hi OP, I’m in the same position as you, soon turning 37 and single lol. I broke up with someone during lockdown who I had been with for 6 years, didn’t regret it one bit. Spent a few months single and then met a guy, we clicked and connected, amazing chemistry, it was going really well, moving in all the right directions. In hindsight it was moving way too fast. Anyway he broke up with me after a few months- (a few days after telling me how I was ‘a breath of fresh air and how he wished he met me sooner’- I was devastated, cried my eyes out for weeks. I joined the dating apps. Met nothing but losers and weird men, struggled to connect with anyone. So I came off of them. I needed time to heal and re-connect with myself. I’m not actively seeking a ‘boyfriend’ atm, the more you try and force something, the less chances you have of finding something meaningful. Give yourself some time OP, focus on yourself and being okay with being alone. It will get better.

@CecilieRose

I'm not afraid of loneliness I want to be a parent. I live alone and happily so. A child is a life long connection/legacy and I want to be a parent (as do a number of women).

Again you're conflating your loneliness with me having a child (with a sperm donor or not is irrelevant).

@CecilieRose

Your posts get deleted by the moderator - that says it all really.